the man i married.......

on sunday ray rode in the argus cycle tour for about the sixth time since we have been married........he used to ride quite a bit before we met.....think he had about ten under his belt by that time........there was one year we decided to do it together........

it was just before we got married, i was still living in a block of flats at the bottom of ou kaapse weg, in fish hoek valley, still teaching......we started training a little bit in the holidays but as term time set in the practices became less and less.......ray, having ridden the route before, knew it would be a good thing for me to experience a mountain pass before the day........so my mind would be prepared.......but i didn't want to do ou kaapse weg.........and i kept putting it off.......until all practicing came to a complete halt.......

on the morning of the ride i was pretty excited to be doing the ride with him......something different......something for us to do together.......

but i was intent on not pushing myself too hard.......it is a long ride after all!  i had decided that i would take on the attitude of "it's a fun ride-let's enjoy the scenery"........rather frustrating for someone who was used to riding at a pace and completing the tour in under five hours.......

we were doing fine until we reached the bottom of ou kaapse weg.........i could see home......and i could see the mountain up ahead.......my mind wasn't in it......i convinced him that i couldn't go on...... i chose home........he said he wanted to finish the ride......we were part of the stragglers by that time and although my legs (and mind) had given up ray's hadn't.........

when he got back to me after the race he told me that he had just missed the cut off time, seven hours in the saddle......but he had finished.......he told me how he had felt to fly past some of those stragglers, with legs that weren't tired......we giggled at how strange it must have been for them to see this guy come blazing past them still riding strong when it was late in the day and by this time no-one else should have been looking like they were riding with ease.........and even though i hadn't finished the race he didn't hold it against me.....

a few years later we were married and had kids.....our marriage was struggling........the Lord was restoring the past and i was still learning to let Him be my restorer.......i still wanted to do things my way.....wanted to fix the problems as quickly as they arose.........while he wanted to cross the bridges when we came to them.........(oh, how that phrase irritated me in those days)........I believed that what i wanted was right, what i expected ray to be was who he was meant to be.....

one day, after spending the morning in our room, avoiding all conversation and contact with my husband.......pleading with the Lord to help me to love him like He loves him......i knew i wasn't, but i still believed that i was right and he wasn't being the husband and father he was made to be.......

i climbed into the shower, knowing i had to be a part of our family, had to show my face to the kids...........being naked in front of the Lord tends to open my eyes.......He showed me how, as a little girl, i had desperately wanted to feel my father's presence, wanted him to be a part of our lives........but he wasn't, his mental illness had built walls between us....... his past had built walls between us........and although i knew he desperately wanted to be loved, it was all too often stolen from him.......our father-daughter relationship was not built on time or sharing experiences together.......and so i had expected ray to be the dad i had never had: the dad who was physically and mentally present one hundred percent of the time......in fact i wanted him to be more than the dad my dad was.......i wanted him to be perfect.......

i climbed out of the shower knowing that i had to say sorry........struggling with that too.......but eventually i did.....i found him outside hanging up the washing........being the dad he was made to be.....

we've been together almost twelve years now.......i believe that day was the turning point for us......the Lord has had to do a lot of restoring for me, but that's His business anyway so i'm thankful that i can hand over my struggles to Him.....it's too hard trying to do it on my own.........

when my eyes were finally opened, when i could finally let ray be the dad and husband he has been created to be, this is what the Lord showed me:

the man i married is my mr steady.......he'll keep on riding this race of life with me to the end......even go over mountains for me when i think i can't.......and if i let him lead i'll soon see that it is way better to  be on top of the mountains with him than to stay in the valleys of doubt without him.......

lately i've been asking the Lord to show me how to Love everyone like He does.......open your eyes to see how everyone reflects my Love.......each one of us reflects the Father's love.......believer or not.......He created all......and so all reflect His glory.........

when i look back on this experience in my life i can see how the Father used the man i married to reflect His Love for me.........even before we were married.......He has steadily stuck by me helping me to overcome mountains which i thought would never move.......

"To my Love, I am so thankful to the Father for blessing me with you........long ago you thought you could never fill the shoes.........you've done more than that already and we've only just begun......i look forward to riding with you till the end, i just know we're going to enjoy the ride.  Loveyoulotslikejellytots!"

last year's argus

learning to love like You......

i dropped my little girl at school today with a cooler box filled with fluffy toys and a fishing net........she is taking part in the second round of the speaker reader competition at school.......

after that i drove to the beach to meet a friend for our morning walk and watched the sea.....it was so peaceful, no wind, no white choppy horses......still.......be still and know that I am God.........

but my heart was not still......i was thinking of what she had said in the car: i really want to get through to the  finals mommy......i had reminded her to enjoy herself and to remember to speak loudly....it was the only encouragement i felt i should give but in my mind i was desperately wanting her to win, wanting her to succeed, wanting her to know what it is like to be a winner........

as i sat and looked at the sea His whisper led me down memory lane........to a girl who deeply believed that she could be a leader, knew that she could stand up in front of a crowd and encourage them to follow her lead......she knew it, but she didn't believe it........no-one had seen what lay deep within her, no-one knew her real desires, no-one had encouraged her to be what lay deep within.......

and then He whispered some more........this is what I believe about you: you can be who you want to be........just be still and know that I am in control........

and so He showed me that it's ok to want the very best for my child-He wants the very best for me........

but what if she doesn't achieve this desire Lord?  in My time it will happen.......this is a process, let me show you what is happening:

last year jenna came home and told you about the speaker reader competition, she chose her poem-even though you thought it probably wasn't the most dramatic, wouldn't appeal to the listener's, you knew she had to do what she chose......it fact she was pretty adamant it wasn't going to be any other way ;-) .......so you helped her to practice the best you could (even though she didn't always listen to your advice).......and she got through to the second round.......she knew her words but she spoke too softly.......a boy with a long joke, which made the audience laugh, won......

so this year when she came home and said i want to write a story about a penguin that will make the boys laugh, you knew she had learnt from her past experiences.......so while she dictated her story to you, you gently guided and discussed and encouraged her ideas while you typed......amazed at your little girl's creativity......

do you remember when she gave up gymnastics-even though she was so good at it- and I told you that the world looks at our talents as something we do and not as THE gift that i have placed deep within you poured out to them through the works I have prepared in advance for you to do?......  I told you that you need to encourage her to believe in (and receive) what I have given her............love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...... that these are the real gifts which we shouldn't hide under the jar, the talents we shouldn't bury in the ground.......these are the gifts i have created you to share, to bless the world with........this is Me being in control, this is Me training her in the gifts i have placed deep within her........this is Me being her teacher, giving her my knowledge.......

when you were a child there was no-one who consistently encouraged you to be who you are......this is the passing on of what I have blessed you with.......your legacy........

remember when she took part in the school play last year as fairy-sa-jolly-good-fellow?.......she really wanted to be in that play, you knew she could do it, believed she had the ability to remember the words......and then on the night she stood on the stage all beautiful and innocent......... and she forgot what she had to say.......it was tough for you to watch, especially when you took her little friends with the next night and you really wanted her to do well.........listening to the lady in front of you say: this little girl never remembers her words, broke your heart........you really wanted her to prove her wrong......but she didn't, she forgot again.........why? you asked.......because she doesn't believe in herself, she's just like you used to be.........you need to encourage her more........you went home and shared it with ray and you said you didn't know how to do that...........well, this is Me training you.....you know what lies deep within you now........speak it over her, bless her with your words, tell her who she is because of who I AM.........

don't teach her what the world teaches:it is what we do in life that is our purpose........her purpose is to know Me, to be in relationship with me, and when she knows this she will know the freedom that she was created for........to be exactly who she desires to be........for I placed those desires deep within her before she was even created in your womb........

this learning-to-love-like-you Lord, it ain't easy when i do it my way, i'm learning more and more everyday that it is only when i don't know how, when i say: i am weak, show me your ways, it is only then that You can burn away the fat of unbelief..........thank You Father for leading me on your paths and showing me Your ways........thank You that because of You i will wait patiently while You teach my precious jolly-good-fellow to spread the joy and love you have placed deep within her.......thank you for loving us just the way we are

if you have the time.......listen here to this song......hope it blesses you

how to loose weight effortlessly.......

i always used to wonder why when the people made sacrifices to the Lord in the old testament it was usually followed by words like this:

Exodus 29vs 25 and burn them on the altar for a sweet and satisfying fragrance before the Lord; it is an offering made by fire to the Lord.

especially when it came to fat.......fat?  why would the smell of fat please the Lord?  isn't that the stuff we are not supposed to eat?  wouldn't He just want the best meat from us?  surely He doesn't want the fat too?  that's the unhealthy stuff.......the stuff we really don't need.......

over the last few years i believe that He has slowly shown me why the smell of fat burning is pleasing to Him......

fat IS the stuff we really don't need, it's the beliefs about ourselves (and Him) that we have that hold us back from walking in Spirit and Truth........the things we think we need to do to be righteous.......and sometimes they are beliefs we don't even know are there until He gently shows us.........

when the Father first started pulling at my heartstrings, gently trying to help me to let go, i thought that He was asking me to sacrifice what I treasured most in the world.......instead He was really asking me to receive......

you see what i believed was that He was a God who asked you to give up things that are precious to you......because if i wasn't sacrificing something then i wasn't being a good person, wife, mother.....

and so in His gentle way He started showing me that He is a Father who wants us to receive His life.......not make sacrifices.......just believe and receive.......because what He is i am...... because of what Jesus sacrificed for me........no more sacrificing needed from me, it is finished........

He first whispered about renewing my mind.......changing what i believed in, to become someone i believe in........because when i find myself in Him: all His promises are yes! and amen (so be it!)....

i believed that i had chosen Him.......instead He had chosen me.......He had persued me......and when He renewed that belief i finally could begin to accept His gifts which He so willingly wanted me to receive.......

burning away the fat IS pleasing to our Lord.......and effortless when we receive what He freely gives.....His life in us, completing the good works He has begun.......

so around the end of 2011 when i was trying to come to terms with the fact that the life i was living was about to change i felt that i should join the gym.......honestly, i wasn't a gym person at the time, i'd tried that all before and it didn't really work......but i felt it was something that the Lord was saying i should do so i joined.......when the Lord says do, i often ask why? and because He's patient with me sometimes i think He gives me a glimpse of the why ;-)  .......but there's always so much more to Him........He was busy restoring........one of the things i had beaten myself up about when it came to home schooling was that i couldn't possibly have been a good home schooler because i just didn't have the self-discipline......instead He showed me that i do, when i believe what He says about me.......i have his mind......i have His self-control......and when i'm walking where He leads what was once a burden becomes very light to carry........so instead of finding gym to be a labour as it had been before, it became a blessing to me......in fact going to gym has become a place where He whispers His love to me often.......

one day last year, while in the pool doing aqua, i felt Him saying to me: like you are fully immersed in the water now, THIS is what I am going to do for you.......immerse you fully into Me.......

and so for a year i went to gym........and didn't loose one ounce of fat!

at the beginning of this year i was reconsidering gym......do i do this still......it wasn't working, i hadn't lost any weight....and then He reminded me about an eating plan i had followed when trying to conceive (which i still believe was one of the reasons why i eventually did conceive).......a balanced way of eating......and so i joined up again.....and in one month i lost three kilograms........why Lord?

by going to gym and doing the exercises, i showed you that i am within you and that because i am within you you DO have self-discipline.......you didn't need to run to anyone/anything else to find your way, what i have placed within you is good enough to do all things i will lead you to do.........and life is not about doing the right exercises to loose the fat.......the extra weight you carry.......feed on me, eat from my life and i will take away the fat (beliefs) that weigh you down.......be careful what/whom you feed off of-where/whom you get your life from.......you don't have to do the work i haven't created you for......this tires you out and becomes a burden to you.....just let me lead you and when you follow I will renew your mind to be like mine..........all I have is within you.......freely receive,

the past two months have been so interesting........i realise that i am at the beginning of a very exciting new step on this journey with Christ......His Love being poured out into me........and whereas before i believed that i was unworthy of receiving His Love, He is burning away the fat and i am longing to freely receive His Love........and so by His grace i live in hope that the weight of unbelief will continue to fall off effortlessly.......both in mind and body ;-)

A rare occurrence......me caught on camera! Dec 2011

how we got here (part two)

i thought i'd continue with our change from homeschooling to schooling story....

journal entry: scared to go to s.v.p.s. and ask for fees and application forms-rejection? i told you so?? not hearing and then i have egg on my face?? help Lord, I need your guidance-clearly
Mark 4: the storm-have faith in Jesus

i stood in the foyer of the school during mike's gymnastics lesson......trying to pluck up the courage to ask for forms.....i was hiding......i had just seen the principal walking towards me outside and i had literally run so that he wouldn't have a chance to stop and say hello, to chat, to ask questions.......so now i hid in the corner of the foyer.......wrestling with my thoughts again,

i have to ask for them i thought, i had told ray I would, can't go back on my word......have to do what i said...
so i eventually submitted to honoring my husband-knowing that he would expect me to do as we had discussed......
the woman at reception knew we were home schoolers....so when i approached and stammered: i need to ask for application forms.....she smiled cheerily and said oh i thought you were home schooling....um, yes, we are, but i have to do this....oh ok, you know you could ask at the rock academy too, they have smaller classes......i know, but, um, that's not what we want.....well we feel that this is where we are supposed to apply, we think it is what the Lord wants........are they still having interviews?  i think the last one is next week......

journal entry: Numbers 22 Balaam and his donkey-didn't do what God had told him. The angel stopped his donkey until God made the donkey speak.  Then Balaam saw the angel and he realised he was wrong.  So he says:vs 11 The word that God puts in my mouth, that shall I speak." 
That is how I want to live Lord.  Doing what You say when You say it!

Numbers 23 vs 12... Must I not be obedient and speak what the Lord has put in my mouth?
vs 26 "Did I not say to you, All the Lord speaks, that I must do?"

journal entry: Put application forms in yesterday.  Have to wait to be invited.  No pre-school report-very little points-and who knows if the person who processes the papers will even know that I taught there.  So it's in God's hands now.  Told Jen yesterday-at first she was tearful-and by the end of the day she was excited.  Prayed with Ray again.  He read Proverbs 16-the verses which have been rolling around in my head for a while.........wait, rest, trust......accept whatever happens.

the date for the last interview came.......and went......we didn't receive an invitation to attend and i thought: ok, so i heard wrong.......well, that's ok we'll just carry on as before.......but deep within i knew this wasn't over......

almost a week later i sat at the breakfast table in the morning when jen arrived for breakfast......
journal entry: Jenna had a dream about school.  She says the Lord spoke to her and told her she would be going to school.

wow, You really want this to happen........

i won't lie to you, although i felt certain that the Lord was guiding us down a new path, i struggled to let go.......holding on to a way of life was easier,

the phone rang later that week: hello? hi, it's allison from s.v.p.s we are having the last interview for a few stragglers who applied late, are you still interested in your child attending?  my first thought was: i could say no and this would be the end of it all.....Ray would never know that they phoned........who am i kidding? i can't lie to him.........uh, ok, i said, we will attend.....

i was sick that day, didn't feel much like talking, so we sat with the other parents listening while our precious little girl sat with the children drawing pictures.......we did the tour, walked through the passages........are we seriously doing this? am i really coming back here? walking up the stairs to leave she reached for my hand and said: i like it here mom, i want to come, it's going to be ok, i know i will make friends.......my heart was in turmoil, but i had to smile at this brave little girl, had to be strong, had to say: yes, i know you will........

after that time we started to slowly let people know what we were going to do.......a few whom i thought would support us, would understand we were following the Lord's guidance.......ray's folks found out quite by accident, jen let it slip, their reaction made me angry........why couldn't they have been that supportive of homeschooling?

i struggled with depression for a while.......was i not good enough to homeschool Lord?  did you think i couldn't do it?

journal entry:  Ray searched the word on Saturday night about being depressed.......when you have a major spiritual breakthrough you can often enter into depression after being on the high of 'being' with God-He read about Elijah and the prophets of Baal.  I felt an immediate lift and relief.......at fellowship we shared with friends and they said he'd been going through the same thing!!! (over something the Lord had been leading him to do)

Deut 31 vs 8 It is the Lord who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit] ( depressed, dismayed and unnerved with alarm)

slowly my Father ministered to me........showing me where my heart had been.......and where He was leading me to....

Deut 7 vs 6 For you are a holy and set apart people to the Lord your God; the Lord your God has chosen you to be a special people to Himself out of all the people on the face of this earth.

journal entry: what has God called you to do to set you apart?  Being set apart doesn't mean you take on a "doctrine" of a certain group, rather it means you follow God's voice for setting you apart-His exact instructions to you which will bring glory to God because of how your life reflects His way.

but it takes time to renew your mind (i still battle at times we i'm comparing, thankfully it's getting less)……it has taken time for Him to renew, to show me what i had put my faith in........and not whom i had put my faith in.......i had a dream in which the Lord revealed to me how I had placed my faith in home schooling to create the perfect environment for my children to grow up in.......they were perfect on the outside...but not within, where it really counts.......

during the next four months He gently whispered to me…….showing me how much He loved me, wanted to bless me……..wanted to renew my mind…..in our home i saw more freedom growing in our lives……..i could see how my husband was more relaxed………but that didn't stop me from feeling angry on the days i felt weak, feeling like i was the one having to give up, the one who had to change……and still He continued to whisper His love…….

i had days, no, weeks when i grappled with the decision again…….even sat and chose a curriculum, planned a school room……..told my little girl her mommy was feeling like it would be best to home school but i was still deciding……..it's ok mom, whatever you want to do i am fine with that…….

we spent the day with family after the new year and an aunt asked jen if she was excited to be going to school…….innocently she looked over at me and said: am i home schooling mommy?….. granny was not happy to hear that and while i was inside she interrogated my poor husband, who dutifully defended my latest decision………i was angry again: why can't they just believe in me?……..and He unlocked another key, pride………i'm just going to do it and prove them all wrong!

and so i tried to convince Ray again.......comparing........with my wisdom and not the Lord's ........ causing him to toss on the waves of doubt.......the tossing to and fro was making my little girl anxious, her boldness was slowly dying.........

we went away on our family camping trip knowing a decision needed to be made, when we returned school would start in two days..........

we tried to relax, enjoy time together as a family away from home....... away from reality.......i kept on asking ray how he felt, wanting him to make the decision...... not wanting to be the one who had to submit.......

ray had a beautiful dream while we were away.......a promise of a beautiful year ahead.......falling in love with His Saviour, our Provider........and i knew then that it would be ok, that He would provide all the strength i needed to walk this new path........i was at peace again,

we returned home to buy jen her school uniform........and to start our roller coaster first year at school......trusting that the only Rock we should build our home on is Jesus........the only path we should follow is His....not putting our faith in a way of life but rather in the way to life.......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

do me a favour, click on the video and let it play softly as you read this post

i grew up with a catholic mother who, in our early years, dutifully dragged us to church every sunday, to sit, stand, repeat the words, listen to the Word, kneel, pray, sit, stand.......until it became routine,

when i was old enough to receive first holy communion and after completing the sunday school lessons preparing me for this occasion, it was time to enter the confession booth for the first time......i sat and waited for my turn and watched as a boy was dragged kicking and screaming to the booth, it was whispered that he didn't like to enter closed places......neither did i.......and fear climbed up within......i didn't want to enter that place and tell a strange man all the things i had ever done wrong, i didn't know him......i remember thinking:why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

our family entered into a storm after this time, which would seem to last a lifetime........we left our home and friends behind to make a new beginning...........only to return with too much shame to share.... slowly we retreated, the routine of church lost.........i found a family in which i could take refuge somedays, their home offered stability, unity and acceptance......they spoke of Jesus and took me to a church totally different to the routine that i had been used to.....

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

eventually the routine of church crept back into or life, mom taking us back to the faith in which she had grown up .....time came for confirmation classes and i questioned why?  why must i pledge a faithfulness to a church, to a faith i did not understand? attend the classes, you will find your answers there.....i didn't, but i stayed to complete the lessons and attend a retreat in a little church on a hill, not far from where i now live, i was asked to read the Word for the day........i wish that i could remember what i read that day, but i can't......all that i can remember was feeling: this is what i am meant to do......read the Word.......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

when i entered college a few years later i was surrounded by believers of different denominations, i still thought of myself as a catholic, although i wasn't attending church regularly with my mom anymore......our family had separated and she was allowing me the freedom to live my life......

and then one day someone challenged my thoughts: you can't be a christian if you're a catholic..... i began to question more......basically she believed that i prayed to mary and that i shouldn't, that i should only pray to Jesus......i, personally didn't pray to mary, i didn't pray to anyone really.......but what she had said stirred something deep within: why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

at an s.u. children's camp a year or so later i chose to believe.......my life would never be the same again...

i started searching for a home in which to worship the Lord and found myself at a methodist church where i became part of the worship team......singing the Word, after a year or so the young minister left to lead another church and a few months later the youth started leaving too......members of our band were starting to attend a  nearby baptist church, they said it was filled with youth and awesome worship, everyone was going there.......my friend invited me to go with her.........eventually i ventured to join the tide.......my friend and i joined a cell group and later when we moved in together we hosted the cell group..........it was during this time that i was wrestling with another big decision in my life........to walk away from a long term relationship........

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

this was a stormy time of my life, i had left home, left a long-term relationship, was just beginning my teaching career and now i felt like i was on my own......shy, self-concious i struggled to fit in at the church......

some time later i asked a friend from cell if i could join him on a night out, it felt safe enough to ask him as he was a brother of a school friend, he was going to be meeting up with some of his friends.......that night i met my husband.......he had recently attended a church service at the baptist church......invited by the same friend i was out with.....

around two years later we were married, we moved over the mountain and away from the life we knew to start our life together......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

for a while we travelled to church and were part of a cell group which met in our area......and then i met  someone with a love for the Lord that was so strong that i couldn't help but want to be her friend....we worked at the same school and soon discovered that we even lived in the same complex......they had recently left their church and were attending a home church; they invited us to join them.....

here we were guided to believe that the only Word that was important was the Word of God.....and so there were no prepared sermons.......we read straight out of the Bible and discussed what we read....it was here that we learnt that we needed to abide in Christ.......that His Spirit was already abiding in us.....and we listened as the Spirit within those around us taught us and revealed Christ to us.....

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

the Body that surrounded us grew and changed often over the years......we met as a group of mixed ages with our young children crawling among us as we worshipped......as the children grew older we gathered together as adults only while parents took it in turns to teach the children.....we met as a Body in the morning, we met at night, bringing young ones along and including them in the fellowship at times......the younger generation felt led by the Lord to begin fellowshipping together with our children in the mornings, while the older generation felt a need to gather together at night.......sometimes we'd congregate all as one.......some have left, some have stayed.......some come often, some come when they feel led to......but we are all still part of the Body.......

when i look back over the years i can clearly see how the Lord has quietly been drawing me near all of my life......He has removed the need for the security from routines, He has made a home within me to worship Him, He has led me to a place of rest where i can be myself while i abide in Him, He has made me part of a Body hungry to be in unity with Him......

i believe that everyone can know Christ, i believe that when you choose to believe in Him His Spirit becomes yours and He will gently lead you, i believe that we are now living in a time when we no longer need one person to stand in front of church to preach the Word to bring new revelations.......i believe the Word lives within and He can teach you bringing you into Truth.......and when you gather together with like-minded believers to encourage one another, the words He has whispered to you will be confirmed......

Hebrews 8 vs 10 This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time, declares the Lord.  I will put my laws in their mind and write them on their hearts.  I will be their God, and they will be my people.  No longer will a man teach his neighbour, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least to the greatest, For I will forgive their wickedness and I will remember their sins no more."