draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

do me a favour, click on the video and let it play softly as you read this post

i grew up with a catholic mother who, in our early years, dutifully dragged us to church every sunday, to sit, stand, repeat the words, listen to the Word, kneel, pray, sit, stand.......until it became routine,

when i was old enough to receive first holy communion and after completing the sunday school lessons preparing me for this occasion, it was time to enter the confession booth for the first time......i sat and waited for my turn and watched as a boy was dragged kicking and screaming to the booth, it was whispered that he didn't like to enter closed places......neither did i.......and fear climbed up within......i didn't want to enter that place and tell a strange man all the things i had ever done wrong, i didn't know him......i remember thinking:why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

our family entered into a storm after this time, which would seem to last a lifetime........we left our home and friends behind to make a new beginning...........only to return with too much shame to share.... slowly we retreated, the routine of church lost.........i found a family in which i could take refuge somedays, their home offered stability, unity and acceptance......they spoke of Jesus and took me to a church totally different to the routine that i had been used to.....

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

eventually the routine of church crept back into or life, mom taking us back to the faith in which she had grown up .....time came for confirmation classes and i questioned why?  why must i pledge a faithfulness to a church, to a faith i did not understand? attend the classes, you will find your answers there.....i didn't, but i stayed to complete the lessons and attend a retreat in a little church on a hill, not far from where i now live, i was asked to read the Word for the day........i wish that i could remember what i read that day, but i can't......all that i can remember was feeling: this is what i am meant to do......read the Word.......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

when i entered college a few years later i was surrounded by believers of different denominations, i still thought of myself as a catholic, although i wasn't attending church regularly with my mom anymore......our family had separated and she was allowing me the freedom to live my life......

and then one day someone challenged my thoughts: you can't be a christian if you're a catholic..... i began to question more......basically she believed that i prayed to mary and that i shouldn't, that i should only pray to Jesus......i, personally didn't pray to mary, i didn't pray to anyone really.......but what she had said stirred something deep within: why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

at an s.u. children's camp a year or so later i chose to believe.......my life would never be the same again...

i started searching for a home in which to worship the Lord and found myself at a methodist church where i became part of the worship team......singing the Word, after a year or so the young minister left to lead another church and a few months later the youth started leaving too......members of our band were starting to attend a  nearby baptist church, they said it was filled with youth and awesome worship, everyone was going there.......my friend invited me to go with her.........eventually i ventured to join the tide.......my friend and i joined a cell group and later when we moved in together we hosted the cell group..........it was during this time that i was wrestling with another big decision in my life........to walk away from a long term relationship........

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

this was a stormy time of my life, i had left home, left a long-term relationship, was just beginning my teaching career and now i felt like i was on my own......shy, self-concious i struggled to fit in at the church......

some time later i asked a friend from cell if i could join him on a night out, it felt safe enough to ask him as he was a brother of a school friend, he was going to be meeting up with some of his friends.......that night i met my husband.......he had recently attended a church service at the baptist church......invited by the same friend i was out with.....

around two years later we were married, we moved over the mountain and away from the life we knew to start our life together......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

for a while we travelled to church and were part of a cell group which met in our area......and then i met  someone with a love for the Lord that was so strong that i couldn't help but want to be her friend....we worked at the same school and soon discovered that we even lived in the same complex......they had recently left their church and were attending a home church; they invited us to join them.....

here we were guided to believe that the only Word that was important was the Word of God.....and so there were no prepared sermons.......we read straight out of the Bible and discussed what we read....it was here that we learnt that we needed to abide in Christ.......that His Spirit was already abiding in us.....and we listened as the Spirit within those around us taught us and revealed Christ to us.....

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

the Body that surrounded us grew and changed often over the years......we met as a group of mixed ages with our young children crawling among us as we worshipped......as the children grew older we gathered together as adults only while parents took it in turns to teach the children.....we met as a Body in the morning, we met at night, bringing young ones along and including them in the fellowship at times......the younger generation felt led by the Lord to begin fellowshipping together with our children in the mornings, while the older generation felt a need to gather together at night.......sometimes we'd congregate all as one.......some have left, some have stayed.......some come often, some come when they feel led to......but we are all still part of the Body.......

when i look back over the years i can clearly see how the Lord has quietly been drawing me near all of my life......He has removed the need for the security from routines, He has made a home within me to worship Him, He has led me to a place of rest where i can be myself while i abide in Him, He has made me part of a Body hungry to be in unity with Him......

i believe that everyone can know Christ, i believe that when you choose to believe in Him His Spirit becomes yours and He will gently lead you, i believe that we are now living in a time when we no longer need one person to stand in front of church to preach the Word to bring new revelations.......i believe the Word lives within and He can teach you bringing you into Truth.......and when you gather together with like-minded believers to encourage one another, the words He has whispered to you will be confirmed......

Hebrews 8 vs 10 This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time, declares the Lord.  I will put my laws in their mind and write them on their hearts.  I will be their God, and they will be my people.  No longer will a man teach his neighbour, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least to the greatest, For I will forgive their wickedness and I will remember their sins no more."

how we got here (part one)......

i thought that He was asking me to sacrifice, but instead He was asking me to receive........

in july of 2011 i was feeling like a ship being tossed between decisions again.......how was i to school our children? structure or no structure?

i searched the Word of God for anything and everything on planning, wanting to know what He said, needing to do what He wanted.......

Psalm 33 vs 10 The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nought, He makes the thoughts and the plans of the people of no effect,

Proverbs 16 vs 1-3 The plans of the mind and orderly thinking belong to man, but from the Lord comes the wise answer of the tongue.  All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart). Roll your works upon the Lord (commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and) so shall your plans be established and succeed.

journal entry: He will give me what to say or do, just ask........commit and trust.......He will make His thoughts yours!!! and therefore your plans will succeed......

Proverbs 16 vs 9 A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure

journal entry: Father-please direct my steps and make them sure!

in august i read:

Numbers 6 vs 24-26 The Lord bless you and watch guard, and keep you; The Lord make His face to shine upon and enlighten you and be gracious (kind, merciful, and giving favour) to you; The Lord lift up His [approving] countenance upon you and give you peace (tranquility of heart and life continually)

Psalm 22 vs 26 The poor and afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; they shall praise the Lord-they who [diligently] seek for, inquire of and for Him, and require Him [as their greatest need]. May your hearts be quickened now and forever!

journal entry: Lord, please help me to know I'm teaching the right things/using the right things.
dream: I dreamt I was driving the kids in a car we were all so happy......I was taking them to SVPS for school......oh boy!?!

that sunday at fellowship the Body of Christ prayed over me, not knowing that their words would break chains, just following the Spirit within.......speaking words which would speak to the Deep within me........

"expect the unexpected! my identity is in Christ not in being my children's mother/Ray's wife/teacher"

"may you hear and know Jesus' voice clearly, that i would know why He created me-my purpose"

"don't make decisions out of fear"

"i don't need to be what people said i was in the past"

in my spirit i knew what He was saying to me........i knew which direction He was leading me to,

i went home and searched the internet for a site.........a friend had been updating it and i thought that it would be there......it wasn't.......no, not that one........the other.........surely not Lord?........and so i submitted and googled the other....the one i had dared to say never to......never say never,

for two days i wrestled with what He was saying......

journal entry: Am I still afraid of the kids going to school? for different reasons now.....I'm afraid I'll loose their hearts.  That I won't be able to build our relationship.

My mind races ahead when I think He's saying something and it starts to plan.......plan ways of me coping.

It doesn't matter what other people think.....I need to do what He is saying. Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd

a day later i was still wrestling....

journal entry: mind still racing.  Worrying that Jenna won't cope with the 2 o' clock day.....I want to protect her emotionally and physically.......I need to hand this burden over.  Father please make your thoughts, my thoughts.  Guide my steps onto your path and plan and purpose for my children.  I always try to think ahead and plan-I struggle to rest and do what the Lord has told me.  I keep on thinking how will it work out, what will the next step be?  Why does He want us to do this?  Lord, help me to rest and wait for your clear direction.......

a day later i was tired out from all of the wrestling, i hadn't shared it with Ray in hope that somehow, some way he would hear the same from the Lord and that He would have to make the decision......he would be the one needing to submit.......

and so when my precious husband saw me climb into bed to hide away from the decision.....when he saw my tired and weary face he gently asked: what is wrong?

and the walls broke down and i wept.......i think He is wanting Jenny to go to school.......i shared what i had heard, what i had read and as i did His thoughts became mine, His plan became mine......as my heart turned from sadness to joy........i slowly started to accept what He wanted me to receive.....His ways and not mine,

journal entry: Tomorrow is gymnastics (at the school) and I will need to pluck up my courage to ask for fees and an application form.......

needless to say it took me almost a week to ask for those forms.......i can be such a jonah sometimes ;-)

He will lead you beside still waters.

the naked truth

this year i am so thankful to have attended gym classes, not only have i discovered that i have discipline to exercise my body, but i have also rekindled a joy for exercising.........

one of my favourite parts has been having a sauna at the end of a training session.......

to have a sauna i strip off all of my clothes and then i walk into a small enclosure with other woman, who are naked themselves......

now, although my precious husband adamantly states that he loves my body, it is not the same one which he married more than a decade ago, the same one i long to have again........on my insecure days,

soon after starting at the gym i noticed that my friend's mother-in-law was coming at the same time as me, she enjoys time in the sauna too........

the sauna door is made of glass and if i enter the shower area i can easily see who i will be sharing this small enclosure with,

i found that if there were complete strangers in the room that it was very easy for me to strip down and walk in, however, if my f-m-i-l  was there it was a different story.......i would change my destination and enter into the steam room.....

one day i dared to ask the Lord, why?

you're afraid she'll notice your flaws......yes, but why only with this person whom i know, why do i feel comfortable to get naked in front of strangers?

and then He dug deeper.......you do this in your friendships too........it was true i did, and it was something which had bothered me in the past before.......

i had realised, a while back, that i found it easy to share personal struggles with new acquaintances, people whom i was just getting to know, who I didn't see often..........it had bothered me: why couldn't i share with people who were supposed to be my closest friends?

and then He gently whispered: you're afraid they won't love you.........

rejection hurts, and in the past it has caused me to build a wall.....don't let anyone see the real me, the ugly me, fat and all.......it was easier to share with relative strangers because they hadn't dared yet to commit to a friendship with me, it was more difficult to share with my closer friends because i feared that if they saw the real me they would walk away......stop loving me,

and this is when He guided me, gently with His rod.........it is time to share the naked truth of who you really are,

why?

if other's do not see your weaknesses they will not see My strength, they will not see My renewing, restoring power........

rest in Me, I accept you as you are, I will never leave you nor forsake you........

since then i have spent many restful sauna sessions with this lovely generous women,

and so now it is time for me to become naked with you.......

you will have noticed that I have switched off all comments-this is because i do not want to seek your approval anymore........i am choosing to believe that it is not in the approval of other's that i will find love........but rather it is in His Love that I have found approval,

i want to share with you the Love that the Lord has shown me.......and so when He leads I will follow, trusting that the green pastures He leads me to will bring refreshment and Life to your soul......as He has to mine......

It's been a year........

and what a roller coaster one it's been........

in the beginning I struggled to let go, I wrestled with my thoughts........oh yes, there was underlying peace, but all my thoughts had to be realigned, renewed to focus on what He was saying to me,

Jen's first school outing, so excited! 

 I thought it was my purpose to teach them and guide them to discover who they are.......and then He whispered:Trust me with them, let me be their Shepherd, their Teacher......and so we stepped out in faith,

After the first term Mike started play school, it took two full terms before I could let go fully and let him go everyday-the Lord is so patient!!

 when my eyes are on Him, remembering His promises: I will never leave you nor forsake you.........your paths I will make straight, your thoughts will become mine........then it is easy.....

but the times when I have picked up the burden again, when I look around and compare....or I think that it is my role to make sure that they get the best of everything, or think that the purpose is gaining knowledge and experiences......

when I forget that the purpose is knowing Him......then I struggle in my own strength

we have learnt that He provides even before we ask

 I thought that if I encouraged them to discover who they are, what their dreams were, where their talents lay that they would find purpose........now I know that their purpose is to know Him and in getting to know Him they will discover who they truly are........His children, created to be in relationship with the One who loves them more than I can......to bring Him glory while walking in His freedom.......not to focus on discovering self, but to focus on discovering Him....

it has been a busy year  filled with concerts, pushing me out of my comfort zone

 and all the while that He has been renewing my thoughts I have fallen more in love........more in love with Him, more in love with my husband, more in love with my children.......more in love with Life,

my handsome Prince of Justice, such a blessing to watch him grow this year

 submitting to His way is not easy for me when I live by laws-I must do.......to be a good mom, wife, friend, daughter .......I fail often under laws,

submitting to His ways is not easy when I live life in my strength.....I am weak, and my strength is like a tiny spark compared to the fire which burns when He leads.......

my beautiful Princess of Joy and Life, every moment must be experienced...

every experience is enjoyed!

so when I am strong in Him and I submit to His ways, relying on His strength.........trusting His Word, resting in what He has revealed to us.......knowing that He will continue to complete the good work He has begun, then I walk in freedom trusting that my children will follow........not because I taught them, but because He has........