Tuesday, November 20, 2012

how we got here (part one)......

i thought that He was asking me to sacrifice, but instead He was asking me to receive........

in july of 2011 i was feeling like a ship being tossed between decisions again.......how was i to school our children? structure or no structure?

i searched the Word of God for anything and everything on planning, wanting to know what He said, needing to do what He wanted.......

Psalm 33 vs 10 The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nought, He makes the thoughts and the plans of the people of no effect,

Proverbs 16 vs 1-3 The plans of the mind and orderly thinking belong to man, but from the Lord comes the wise answer of the tongue.  All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart). Roll your works upon the Lord (commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and) so shall your plans be established and succeed.

journal entry: He will give me what to say or do, just ask........commit and trust.......He will make His thoughts yours!!! and therefore your plans will succeed......

Proverbs 16 vs 9 A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure

journal entry: Father-please direct my steps and make them sure!

in august i read:

Numbers 6 vs 24-26 The Lord bless you and watch guard, and keep you; The Lord make His face to shine upon and enlighten you and be gracious (kind, merciful, and giving favour) to you; The Lord lift up His [approving] countenance upon you and give you peace (tranquility of heart and life continually)

Psalm 22 vs 26 The poor and afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; they shall praise the Lord-they who [diligently] seek for, inquire of and for Him, and require Him [as their greatest need]. May your hearts be quickened now and forever!

journal entry: Lord, please help me to know I'm teaching the right things/using the right things.
dream: I dreamt I was driving the kids in a car we were all so happy......I was taking them to SVPS for school......oh boy!?!

that sunday at fellowship the Body of Christ prayed over me, not knowing that their words would break chains, just following the Spirit within.......speaking words which would speak to the Deep within me........

"expect the unexpected! my identity is in Christ not in being my children's mother/Ray's wife/teacher"
"may you hear and know Jesus' voice clearly, that i would know why He created me-my purpose"
"don't make decisions out of fear"
"i don't need to be what people said i was in the past"

in my spirit i knew what He was saying to me........i knew which direction He was leading me to,
i went home and searched the internet for a site.........a friend had been updating it and i thought that it would be there......it wasn't.......no, not that one........the other.........surely not Lord?........and so i submitted and googled the other....the one i had dared to say never to......never say never,

for two days i wrestled with what He was saying......

journal entry: Am I still afraid of the kids going to school? for different reasons now.....I'm afraid I'll loose their hearts.  That I won't be able to build our relationship.
My mind races ahead when I think He's saying something and it starts to plan.......plan ways of me coping.
It doesn't matter what other people think.....I need to do what He is saying. Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd

a day later i was still wrestling....

journal entry: mind still racing.  Worrying that Jenna won't cope with the 2 o' clock day.....I want to protect her emotionally and physically.......I need to hand this burden over.  Father please make your thoughts, my thoughts.  Guide my steps onto your path and plan and purpose for my children.  I always try to think ahead and plan-I struggle to rest and do what the Lord has told me.  I keep on thinking how will it work out, what will the next step be?  Why does He want us to do this?  Lord, help me to rest and wait for your clear direction.......

a day later i was tired out from all of the wrestling, i hadn't shared it with Ray in hope that somehow, some way he would hear the same from the Lord and that He would have to make the decision......he would be the one needing to submit.......

and so when my precious husband saw me climb into bed to hide away from the decision.....when he saw my tired and weary face he gently asked: what is wrong?
and the walls broke down and i wept.......i think He is wanting Jenny to go to school.......i shared what i had heard, what i had read and as i did His thoughts became mine, His plan became mine......as my heart turned from sadness to joy........i slowly started to accept what He wanted me to receive.....His ways and not mine,

journal entry: Tomorrow is gymnastics (at the school) and I will need to pluck up my courage to ask for fees and an application form.......

needless to say it took me almost a week to ask for those forms.......i can be such a jonah sometimes ;-)

He will lead you beside still waters.