shifting gears.............

my first car was a manual (gear-stick)…….i bought it straight out of the box with money i had earned from my first teaching post………i was proud of my little white mazda midge, she wasn’t fancy, but she was mine and i had worked hard for her……

when i married ray he owned a bmw……..although i loved having him drive me around i wasn’t a fancy car person and i wasn’t really keen on driving it…….my thought process at the time was: give me a car which i can feel that i am in control of –when i turned the steering wheel it felt like i knew exactly where it was going to…..so i drove my car and he drove his…….

before mike was born ray traded in his manual bmw for an automatic……..and i still didn’t want to drive it………it was big and if i drove something that was an automatic with power steering i was definitely not going to feel like i was in control of that car!

and then my mazda midge was stolen………and insurance wouldn’t pay out because, well, i couldn’t lie…….i had parked it outside the hairdresser and my porridge brain couldn’t quite remember if i had locked the doors or not…….so the law-abiding christian that i was believed that i had to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God…….mr. insurance man, i really can’t tell you if i locked those doors or not……..i believed i was doing the right thing.....

in the Father’s infinite grace and mercy He provided us with a new car-we couldn’t pay for it though-ray’s father covered the costs…….

i’ll be honest with you, it was not my favourite car, but i was thankful for it……..it was an opel and it felt like it had the heaviest steering-wheel in the history of all cars……when you turned the wheel it felt like you were moving a mountain……..for the first time ever i was not enjoying being in control of my car.........

ray offered for me to drive the bmw and i will admit, that i hesitated……..me, drive an automatic? i’ve never done that before!!!!  but i eventually gave in and learnt how to drive an automatic…….and i even discovered that having to drive a car which didn’t need me to change the gears was actually quite a liberating drive………and the best part about an automatic? it’s absolutely awesome to do hill starts in (no hand-break and clutch control needed!!!).....rolling back on those fish hoek hills was not part of my nightmares anymore!

and then God stepped in……..we were doing some building work on our home and the builder offered us cash for the opel…….we hadn’t even mentioned to him about selling it…….ray had been considering buying a motorbike but he hadn’t made a decision yet…….however, we felt it was what we should do……..so we stepped out in faith, believing it was the Lord’s will….we sold the opel, leaving us with only an automatic again.......

so there i was learning to drive an automatic and eventually learning to love it!!! (shhhh, don’t tell ray ok?!)

fast forward a few years, the bmw was starting to give us lots of trouble……the air conditioner broke, the radio wasn’t working, the electronics of the car was starting to give up…….and then about a year ago ray was driving home from fellowship and the differential housing fell apart, literally leaving the nuts and bolts of the car lying in the road like in one of those old cartoons where you see the car falling apart and the nuts and bolts go flying everywhere………we were unable to drive the car……at that time fixing the car would cost us less than buying a new one………we were heavily in debt already and couldn’t possibly see our way to purchasing a new car………at that point in time we were on a very new learning curve of  how our Father wants to provide for us, although we weren’t ready to go forward in faith to buy a new car, what i did feel was peace about the fact that i didn’t need to worry about how i would get the kids to school on Monday, or the following week for that matter-i had felt the Lord say that that would be taken care of, and it was! He led us gently by the hand…….baby steps ;-)

over the past two years, through His gentle guidance, Our Father has led us to get rid of the debt we were in (i hope to share that story with you one day)……..but we thought we were still in no position to purchase a new car………but God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways are not our ways as today i can joyfully shout to the world: our God provides way beyond my dreams!!! we have a new car! and it’s not an  automatic, but it's pretty fancy!……a car which suits me perfectly for this new season i am entering into: i have learnt that to be in absolute control of my life, living by laws and not by grace does not bring freedom……in fact it leads to enslavement to proving that i am worthy by what i do and not because of what, or rather who, i believe in……..i have learnt that His Spirit is within me, automatically leading me, even when the world around me is encouraging me to drive through life at top speed trying to get to a destination of accomplishment i can rest in knowing that He is in control……….and now? now i feel like He is saying: you know I AM within you, you know that you are in Me, all the power you need to live this life in peace, joy and love is within you……..we are one, in unity: you are free to be you, where you move I move, when I move you move……..in Him we live and move and have our being………..i'm even learning that those hill starts when i have to use the hand break are not so bad after all-with Him in me i can overcome mountains and this is the time for learning how!!!

when you look into the mirror of liberty...............

i was standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth............having just returned from an evening out with a few ladies from our fellowship, i was getting ready for bed..........there were words swirling around in my head, words which another woman had shared that night..........

"i've realised that it's ok to admit that i am crap........i can't do anything on my own, and that's ok!"

i stared into the basin unable to raise my head to look into the mirror above........

i.am.crap.

but *i* wasn't ok with it...........in fact i was so far from being ok with it that i couldn't raise my eyes to look into the mirror at the tears running down my face, to see the reflection of the person who would be looking back at me..........i didn't want to see her face, didn't want to admit that i didn't like what i saw there, i didn't like the person she was.......

and then there was a gentle whisper in my Spirit: look up, look into the Mirror, you may not love what you see, but I do..............

it's been a few years since that night and i think i finally get it!

when Jesus said He loved that person in the mirror, the one who felt she was messing up everything and totally unable to fix any of the mess i was creating, when He whispered that He loved me even if I didn't love myself, a door opened in my heart, a corner of the veil was lifted from my eyes and slowly He started to show me just how much He loves me.............

you see when i chose to become a christian i made it about a set of rules on how to behave..........and if i just got that right then i'd be a good mom, wife, person.........i had been trying so hard to fix myself from my past, to change how i behaved in the present that i had missed the point.........it was never about me choosing to follow Him, it had always been about Him choosing to love me first........when He revealed that truth to me, that was when i finally became a believer........

when i believed that truth, then He was given access into my temple and His Spirit, which was within me, was awakened when He called out: take off the grave clothes, arise and come out of the tomb...........come live this Life with me............

deep down inside what i was really struggling with was that i didn't really know who i was and what i was created for..........and i so desperately wanted to feel like i was good enough, like i was doing a good job, that i was accepted.......when He revealed that it was never because of my love for Him that i was accepted but it was always about His love for me that i am seen as perfected He whispered: if you want to know who you are, find out who I AM..........you are a perfect reflection of Me!

and so i looked into the Mirror of liberty and what i am discovering daily is: He really did come to set me free..........He really did come so that i could experience eternal life and He really wants me to live life abundantly!!!!

knowing that Jesus died for my sins is the tip of the ice-berg..........He didn't just come to die for me, He came to show me Life and what it means to live in a relationship with my Creator.........He came to share His life with me, to live in relationship with me daily...........He wants to be with me!  He wants me to experience the Life that He experiences............and He expects nothing in return.....not.one.thing.

my sins are not always the things i do, in fact most of the time sin is what i believe...........so when He said: find out who I AM, He began to reveal Himself to me more, He began to show me what He really has done for me..........and more and more my thoughts about Him began to be renewed.........He hadn't just come to die for me so that I could be forgiven for all that i had ever done wrong, He had come to set me free from how i believed i had to live..........which resulted in me making unwise choices...........choices which stole my joy, my peace, my love and which meant that i couldn't truly experience the life He had destined for me to live..........a life with Him in me experiencing His life lived through me:unity.......we are one, i live and move and have my being in Him and Him in me.........

so this started a whole series of questions for me.........questions like this:if i am like You, because You died so that i could live the life that You live, then surely that means i should be experiencing all You experience?  yes, My bride when we became one then you received all that I AM, now learn to walk with Me in you.........let me show you what My freedom really is...........it was never meant to be a burden to you, you were never meant to carry My load nor do My work for Me..........I came to serve You, receive what i have laid out for you.........come, sit down, rest, I have done all that needed to be done, My kingdom is established in you, let me show you how to live this life in Me...........ask and you will receive, just believe........you are seated at the right hand of the Father, like Me........you are a daughter in His kingdom, all that I have received you have too-this is your inheritance which has been given to you freely.........you don't need to prove you deserve it by sacrificing to Me, you have been completely forgiven.........you don't need to prove you earned it by doing for Me.........all that I want is to share my life with you........when I said it is finished it really was.......My kingdom does not need to be built by you, I have finished it all........come and enjoy it with Me.....

James 1 vs 23-25 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of man he was.  But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.

i am learning that if i don't look into the face of Jesus when i am faced with the trials in this world, i can easily forget who the Father says i am.............. i may have heard the Word speaking of His love for me but if i let the thoughts in my mind drown out the truth that He says about me, i can easily forget who I am in Him...........when i look intently at the perfect law: all that i need to do is to believe in Jesus, then what i see in the mirror reflected back at me is the freedom to experience His life, fully blessed by the Father in all that i do...........

there are times when i feel that the Lord is teaching me something about Himself and i think: oh boy, if i told any one this they'd think i'm crazy..........but i'm definitely not the first to have these  revelations : listen to this sermon........it will bless you.......and then maybe you'll agree i'm not the only crazy one ;-) 

replacing the old with the new.....

i used to want to flee from the hard times in life.....try to run away from the challenges........avoid making life changing decisions.......long for the mountain tops when i was in a valley..........these were some of the habits that ruled me,

it was easier to go through life not having to deal with pain, hurt or disappointment........so i did everything within my power to control what i could to avoid them........

but the truth was:that controlling-thing i was doing, wasn't working out too well for me.......the more i tried to control my life, to protect myself and those around me, the harder it got to keep it together........instead of living in peace on earth........i was holding myself captive in my own little hell........

eternal life for me is a given.........everybody can receive it, it's a free gift...........everybody will live forever.........in freedom or in chains, in the light or in the dark...........the thing is, at this present moment, my physical body is not living in eternity, it's living in the now......in the moment.......in this day that He has made......and to live in this day according to His will........i need to know His  freedom............

there was a time in my life when i thought that freedom meant the things i do would bring me freedom and not the things that i believed.......by His grace that did bring a certain kind of freedom.......but not the eternal kind........when i began to give up trying to control what i thought my life should/would  look like He began to take me deeper to a place that will take the chains off, a place that helped me to see that it is not always the mountain top experiences that are life changing, but it is most often the valleys that i go through that will bring true Life to water the soil that had run dry within my soul to renew the Spirit within............

living in the Light brings Life.........living in the darkness keeps you captive to your old self, your old ways, your old habits........you can live in heaven here on earth.....or you can be held captive in hell....

i am still discovering freedom (i think it'll be a life long journey).......and i'm ok with that now-never used to be, wanted to know what the next step was, wanted to know how it was all going to look in the end, wanted the plan all carefully plotted out that i could follow..........

so how is He doing it?  because, believe me it is nothing that i have done........all that i can do is believe and receive...........

like a Shepherd He has gently led me to places where i can eat, where i can receive what He has laid out for me to feast on..........i won't lie to you, it has not been easy becoming naked, realising that apart from Him i am nothing but a clanging cymbal, giving up idols in my life......facing the past, learning to forgive.......allowing Him to do the work and not me...........

last year after He had shown me that it was time to share more, to not be afraid of becoming naked in front of others, He promised me that He would do the changing........He highlighted areas in my life that He wanted to renew and restore.....and i said great-let's do it!......and then i was invited to attend a seminar for a day-Heartlife: Insight for transformation..........i had a choice: go and possibly become naked.........or avoid the whole experience entirely..........i wrestled with Him (as i sometimes do) saying: You said You'll do the renewing so why do i have to go to this seminar if You have promised that You will do what needs to be done?.......You said it, i believe it, so why must i go?...........because it's time to start being naked........
we had to fill out forms and get three people to fill them out too.......you get the assessment back before the seminar and one thing was blatantly clear to me: to others i was someone completely different to whom i thought i was..........now this could be seen as no biggie, but to me it was another indicator that no one really knew me because i had always been too afraid to share my thoughts, opinions or feelings with those to whom i was closest to.......i knew that i had to go to the seminar as i felt that He was going to use it for good but my heart was feeling heavy.........i was afraid of being told that i wasn't capable of change.......

i recorded this experience in my journal, reading over it today i am amazed at what My Father was doing behind the scenes......

journal entry: "Been listening to Bertie Britz again-lots of meaty stuff-freedom from law and bitterness I need a deeper understanding of these things.  I need to truly understand grace"

at the seminar we discussed how past experiences in our lives (both negative or positive) could set templates up for us which cause us to react to current situations with a habitual reaction.......for example: if you were never praised by a parent and you always received critical "encouragement" from them you would most likely become tense/fearful/weary in a situation of appraisal by an authority figure........

after discussing some of these habits and how they are played out in our lives we discussed how the negative templates would influence our relationship with the Lord........

Genesis 3:8-13 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.  But the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, Where are you?  He said, I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.  And He said, Who told you that you were naked?  Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat? And the man said, The woman whom You gave to be with me-she gave me from the tree, and I ate.  And the Lord God said to the woman, What is this you have done?  And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I ate.

journal entry: "Separation-not believing what the Lord says about you."

then we were encouraged to spend time picturing where the Lord was in the room and what He was saying to us........

i saw Him kneeling in front of me.......holding out His heart towards me.........offering for me to take it and receive His heart, His Love, His ways.......to replace my ways and my habits.......

and after that i saw a picture of Ray and i on a beach, i was holding him........and then we walked together in unity down the beach........

during the seminar i had felt (most of the time) comfortable sharing my thoughts........until we were asked if we would like to participate in a play therapy session.........during this session we were told to use plastic dolls, furniture and other props to re-enact a stage in our daily life........my brain literally shut down......it felt like i didn't understand the question......like i didn't know what i had to do.......while everyone else set about the task at hand i panicked........i couldn't think of what scene i wanted to portray......i wanted to run away from the whole experience..........i wanted to avoid the feeling of pain that was welling up inside of me.............when i realised what the battle was about: nakedness in front of others-they would all see my scene, and if they're anything like me they're going to analyse what i put out in front of me-even if it was impossible to interpret........when i realised what i was afraid of i forced myself to see the picture that the Lord was revealing to me.....

it was the typical coming home scene (at the time) at the end of everyday in our home: i was standing behind our kitchen counter preparing supper, ray had just walked in the door.........and the kids were running down the passage into his arms to greet him.........my feeling at that time of day:i suck at what i'm doing and i was pretty peeved off at everyone and everything by the end of the day!

we were asked to answer some questions relating to the scene and as i answered each one to myself i realised that i saw myself as an unworthy, incapable mom and wife........it was easier for me to feel anger than acceptance and so i was afraid of rejection by my family and husband.......my past templates were dictating how i acted and setting a tone for rejection and fear in my home........

but then the Lord whispered this to me: I want to unite you.......don't be afraid........I don't see you the way that you see yourself.........I see you as a perfect mom and a perfect wife.......believe this!

i could have avoided that whole seminar........run away from the pain that i knew could be caused by it-facing who you believe you are can be painful, receiving who Jesus says you are brings freedom.......i am so thankful, that by God's grace, that i went along that day........He broke off more chains in one day than i could possibly have done in my own effort in the same time frame.........

so i've realised that sometimes facing the pain or going through it, is something you just have to do, but you'll never do it alone.......when God burns away the lies in your life and gives birth to new things it can feel painful.......there's a lie out there that says if you are a believer it's always going to be easy sailing when it gets stormy.......but what i've experienced is that sometimes you have to learn to walk with Him on the water of the storms trusting that He will make a way while He births something new in you.......something of Him......yes, it is tough to go through the valley's....and sometimes it can get pretty messy........it wouldn't be called taking battle ground if it wasn't messy.........but i promise you this: soaring above the mountain tops makes you forget all of the pain..............and doing it in His strength brings so much more freedom than doing it on your own.........

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

i am so thankful that Jesus came to set the captives free.........if He had left me to figure it out all on my own i'd still be stuck in the miry clay.......but the truth is He came for that very purpose: setting us free from those things which prevent us from walking in the fullness of Him!

mondays aren't so blue anymore.......

the sun is beginning to rise earlier here in our corner of the world........the promise that winter is finally coming to an end.......i'm not a winter person-i'll take hot summer days over the cold winter nights anytime........but i can see why we have seasons.....there's a time for everything in our lives.........

i started running again around the beginning of the year, and i really enjoyed it, i even ran in a 5km fun run! but the winter rains have destroyed my running schedule-i am not that committed...yet!.......some mornings i get up and don my running gear, if i can't hear rain on the roof and the clouds look like they will not carry rain for the day.......... i've gotta have hope haven't i?!?..........but alas my takkies haven't hit the road much over the last three months!!!!

so when the urge for being outdoors hits, and i just can't take another day indoors i usually wrap up warmly and go for a walk on the beach.....there have been some gaps between the rainfalls ;-)

sometimes i find mondays i need that walk the most.........it's a culmination of a few things: a sunday indoors with the kids ;-) a monday that arrives and takes my precious family off to their places of being, a sunday of fellowship where you just wish the time spent together would never end because it's just so good to be in Love.........but mostly it's because i need time alone with my bestest of friends.........

so this morning when the sun rose earlier and there were no clouds in the sky i made a date with my old Friend, i dressed up warmly-there is still an icy wind-dropped the kiddies off at school, with love and kisses, and raced to the beach.............

it.was.beautiful.........why didn't i take the camera?!?!

as i walked along, basking in the Son, i breathed in the beauty that surrounded me.........sun bright in the sky, cool wind on my face, waves gently crashing on the sand, Light reflected on the sea..........
although i love these times alone my heart was longing to have someone there to share with and talk to......my heart was singing and i wanted to share it....so i asked for someone to come along that i could chat to...........as i continued to walk along i watched the dogs walking on the beach and thought of a friend who recently left our shores to start a new exciting adventure........i just know her dogs would have loved that walk........but there is a time for everything in life........they lived and enjoyed Life here.......and they will enjoy Life in their new destination too!............other friends filled my thoughts too, they're also about to travel..........a time of fun lies ahead for them, a time of strengthening too.......i am so excited to see where the Lord leads them to.........

i reached the river near the end of the beach and couldn't go any further........it.was.so.wide...........no jumping over today!.........as the river entered the sea it divided........one part was wide and the other narrower...........the River is flowing wide and deep, it is time to jump in...........you can flow with it into the sea in the narrow stream or the wide.........it is your choice to make.........will you let the River lead you?

All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.

To the place the streams come from, there they return again.

i turned around and continued on my walk........Joy, oh sweet Joy, filled my soul and strengthened my Spirit.......i wanted to sing and shout and dance........but hey! i was on the beach!! so i resorted to singing in my head..........it was a song which my sweet jenny had listened to on sunday (on dad's hi-jacked phone this time! my kids have just discovered the technology we have and they are spending every possible minute on them-i can't hide the Truth from them), at bedtime jen had told me she just couldn't get the song out of her head.........like a rose, trampled on the ground, He took the fall and thought of me above all...........eventually i was singing it out loud while walking on the beach, well, loud enough for that old man to look at me as i walked past him...........crazy woman!!!

after spending some time on my own at the far end of the beach, sitting on the rocks-you don't feel like a crazy woman when you're sitting on a Rock...........it doesn't matter who is watching actually........i began the walk back to my car......and He whispered this to me: you are not naked anymore, you are crowned with My glory and you wear the robe of righteousness.....

seconds after having this revelation i bumped into an "old" friend with her husband and beautiful daughter...........i was so happy to see her......couldn't believe she was standing there right in front of me..........i'd seen on facebook that she was coming out to visit with her family and i had wondered if i would meet up with them.........actually, I had asked the Lord if He would make a way for me to see her.........there was something i wanted to tell her...........we walked and chatted and caught up on the goings on of our lives........and then we parted.........climbing into my car i realised that i hadn't said what i'd wanted to say to her..........so i got back out and told them what was on my heart: i am so stoked you guys got married......i remember the questions you had when you were dating.........their smiles were priceless!!!

when i got back into the car i remembered what i had asked the Lord for while i walked along the beach.......a friend to chat to............You are an awesome God..........You thought of me above all!

His grace covers a multitude of sins, yours.........and mine

Proverbs16 vs 18 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

i woke up that saturday morning with a norah jones song in my head.......you humble me Lord, you humble me Lord, so please, please, please forgive me..........i knew i had done wrong and there was nothing i could do to take it back......it was done........

as i lay in bed my Daddy spoke gentle words to me..........He took me back to a grade one classroom, to a beautiful little heart i'd taught.......she believed in fairies........and i told her i didn't...... in front of a classroom of her friends........i saw her little face change from joy to disbelief........a relationship broken-from that moment on it felt like i could never reach that little girl's heart again........over the years i have thought of that precious little soul and wondered if she knows the Love of Jesus who accepts her no matter what she believes..........but My God, in His love and mercy, said to me that morning: she is in the palm of My hand, I will draw her near to me in My time........you are forgiven........

then He took me to another time.......i was standing in the school passage with a teacher, she was trying to uncover the truth to an incident which had happened........i had been the one to "solve" the mystery by sharing what a friend had confessed to me in private.......she had done something and we would all be punished for it if the culprit wasn't found out.........i spoke the truth........but they wouldn't believe me because my friend had told them she was being wrongly accused.....they believed her and not me....i stood and listened as i was told that i was a liar and there was nothing that i could do to defend myself.........they would not believe me.......
by God's grace ten years later we both sat in a music class (at college) together and for some bizarre reason the lecturer asked: have you ever done anything wrong to someone and you wished you could say sorry to them?.........my friend confessed to lying that day long ago, she apologised to me in front of a class full of our friends..........but to me it felt like she was the one who had been shown as the hero in the situation for confessing and putting things straight........me, i felt like the friend who couldn't be trusted........
four years later i walked into the staff room of the school i was teaching at at the time to come face to face with the very teacher who had called me a liar........fear hit me in that moment:would she tell my fellow staff members of that long ago incident? did she still see me as a liar?..........she didn't know what my friend had confessed to........but instead, when asked what i had been like as a child at school, she answered in Love: she was the cutest little girl and all of the teachers fought over her to have her in their class................

the battle belongs to Me..........let Me fight the battle, you don't need to defend yourself.......the battle is already won...........

Proverbs 16 vs 32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, he who rules his [own] spirit than he who takes a city.

i was supposed to go to the mall that saturday and i was doing everything to delay the inevitable........you see, i was afraid.......i didn't want to see anybody that i knew to be told that i had done damage......and so i did everything to avoid going.........eventually i told ray what i was struggling with.......i told him i'd been wrong to speak out, wrong to shame a fellow believer and i was afraid that i would have to face the consequences of my words........my husband is a wise counsellor-i didn't know how much until that morning-he encouraged me in Love........told me what he sees in me, and i felt strengthened to go and face the world........

walking to the car my little man came out begging me to buy him something at the shops.......i know his heart-he just loves gifts-his day is made when he receives something......anything.....but i was tired of hearing him beg.......so i sat down with him and told him: don't beg.........you're not a beggar.......who is the King of the world? he grinned and said:me.......who is the King of the world? God.......and you are His prince......you don't have to beg from Him, just ask.......He wants to give to you all that you ask for because you're His son.........mommy wants to give you all you ask for, somedays i can and i will.......but somedays you need to wait until i can........i went off to the shops, found what i was looking for and then felt i needed to buy what he had asked me for.........so i took one off the shelf (i thought jen and mike could share) and went to the till........use your loyalty points, He whispered......so i asked how many points i had.....enough to buy two! and cover some of the cost of what i'd gone to buy........as i was leaving (after seeing no-one i knew) i realised that even though i was believing that i had done wrong My Father was saying: even when you think you have done wrong i love you, i want to take care of you and i give you my love for free, in fact i gave you more than you even thought you should get....My Love is abundant.........i was so excited to get home and tell my boy what His Daddy had done for him: given him what he had asked for for free, i hadn't had to pay a cent for his gift!!!

Proverbs 16 vs 33 The lot is cast into the lap, but the decision is wholly of the Lord [even the events that seem accidental are really ordered by Him].

there was more to be unveiled.......

i see-sawed that night between knowing that the Father was in control and thinking that it would just be better to hide.......forever ;-).........i realised that in all probability our friends at fellowship could have read the blog post too......what would they think?!?.........fellowship was the one place i felt safe and unconditionally loved.......would they still accept me even if i had done something despicable?........the Lord is pretty persistant though........once He has you on the palm of His hand He is never going to let you go........no matter how far away you think you can run........i knew that i could go with Him beside me.......fellowship came.......and went........no mention of the blog post............

but the Father still has work to do in me (thankfully He promises to complete the good works He has begun)..........

mornings are tough when your flesh is being exposed to you.......and the world........it's often the time when i feel at my weakest..........dropping the kids at school meant i'd have to face more people who could possibly have read my blog..........guess that's what happens when you get naked on facebook ;-)
my precious kiddies accepted my lame excuse for not walking in with them........and i escaped back home to my castle.........i've learnt that it's best to run to the Lord when things are tough and not away from Him.........so i spent the day soaking in His word by listening to some of my favourite grace teachers..........i am always amazed at how the Lord feeds us.....everything i listened to that morning was encouragement to my soul........

later that day mike "accidentally" pushed the play button on my cell phone........the song that was playing: blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His holy name........He gives and takes away........He gives and takes away.........i get that you give Lord, but how can they sing so joyfully about You taking away?..........but somehow that song was balm to my soul.........

the following day i was faced with the truth of what i had done........of whom it had really effected.....and i wanted to hide (again)........but He encouraged me not to hide........i didn't have a car to fetch the kids, i needed a lift............a friend from fellowship was willing to help.........i sat in the car dreading that she would bring up the topic of my blog post..........instead He whispered to me: I give you the gifts that you need and take away the burdens that you don't need......I give and take away.......let Me fight the battle..........

it was a long week......by thursday i had come to terms with the fact that i had hurt others and that in all probability my children could be effected too.........loosing friends is not easy........but not my children too, Lord.........would you be happy if I was your only friend?.........yes, Jesus, You're the best friend i've ever had........i don't want to loose you too............then believe this: you don't have to fight My battles for Me...........I have already won.....no need to point out unbelief to others, you are not their judge...... just as i keep drawing you closer to Me I can draw all of mankind to Me..........just as I am unveiling the lies that you believe about yourself.........I can unveil their eyes too.......just rest in Me and enjoy the life I want to live through you.......that is all i want you to do.............I AM LOVE that is what  I do...........

my God (and yours) is a God of Love.......sometimes you have to go through fire to burn away the chaff........most of the time i find that it is not what others do or say in the circumstances that i am facing that cause the most turmoil, but rather it is the lies that i believe about myself..........having these lies burnt away can be very painful to our flesh.........giving up what you believe about yourself and receiving what God says about you can be like the birthing process.......giving birth to new truth can be very messy.......realising you've believed a lie can hurt your pride........but holding that new life in your hands replaces all the pain with great joy..........His joy

know this: Love came to set you free..........where we may judge others as living, believing, doing wrong..........He does not judge this way........He is not sin conscious.....He is GRACE......He looks at you and judges you as LOVED........with no price to pay..........

i have been floored by this whole experience.........amazed at My Father's Grace through it all........the people whom i most feared loosing hadn't even read that post.........and i know now that even if they had they would still love me...........

so when all is said and done what have i learnt?.........i am a sinner who is as despicable as you.........i need to know Jesus and the Truth that sets you free from all lies...........just. like. you.........and the best part about it all? it's His work to set me free.......and that He has already completed!

so when He came to me again and whispered: you have judged others the way you think I have judged you.........now i want you to know that you are not judged as guilty, but as loved...........speak in Love.........I will show you how.......do you want me to teach you?.........yes, Lord, yes!

you're not Despicable 2 me..............

my kids love to make minion jokes with their daddy...........the word bottom is followed by fits of giggles and many other related words and jokes-their dad has a great sense of humour-he gets them.......and i love that about him.........they all try desperately to make me succumb to their witty sense of humour and in moments of weakness i've been known to crack a smile...........or even reply with a shocker phrase which causes them to descend into the-place-no-mother-wants-their-family-to-go-to-at-supper-time........mayhem ;-)

ray and my kids love animation movies........in the school holidays he took them to see despicable me 2, i didn't go with them.......i needed time on my own and i knew that suggesting that they go see this particular movie together would be a great memory moment for all of them-they'd all loved the first one...........they came back with many tales to tell and reenacted their favourite moments for days on end.......ray became despicable dad with his two little minions playing their evil fart jokes on me for a while thereafter........

i haven't seen the movie myself yet so i can't comment on the story line.........i've seen the first one......
i'm a sucker for happy endings...........i love it when the underdog overcomes......when the evil guy gets won over by good and he uses his strengths for restoration and not destruction........when the family that has lost all hope discovers that they have the strength to carry on........what can i say:i'm a chick who loves those kind of flicks...........

i used to worry about what my kids watched........would it influence their thoughts and actions....would they pick up bad habits from the characters in the movies..........that worrying doesn't happen as much as it used to.........they generally watch movies which are within the children's section of the dvd rental shops and we don't have dstv-not because we don't want it, it's just not in our price range at the moment.........so our limiting of what they watch is usually determined by availability, whether or not something which is portrayed realistically could become scary and real for mike (he's a warrior at heart-born to battle) or if the content could be too emotionally mature for jenna's perceptive, growing mind (our pure, joyful princess).......

last night i listened to an interesting conversation about movies........despicable me 2 had been the conversation focal point........i didn't contribute, just listened (what does one say when your children watched that very movie that afternoon when you used it as a babysitting aid while you tried to catch a nap)........i know that in all probability i could offend someone with what i want to share next........but i'm going to say it anyway.......

my heart has been heavy today.......i'm sad.........sometimes i wish that when i'm in a situation that the Word that is within would come out.........one day.........

my friend and her family are celebrating their dad's birthday today, part of the plan was to see Despicable Me 2.........to share a family moment making a memory together...........i'm wondering if that part of the plan got trashed last night...........i hope that it didn't........because Love is more powerful to overcome any "bad habit" that her children may have been exposed to in that movie...........

yes, the main character may have made some bad choices in his life, the children of today may be portrayed as defiant and disrespectful towards adults in the movies made today..........it is a sign of the times-a sign of how much we misunderstand what Jesus really did for us.........instead of encouraging your child not to play with someone who acts like that, instead of teaching them that if that man stood before Jesus He would not like his behaviour.............teach them about how Jesus sees that man..........loved, forgiven........perfect in his sight.....teach them about why that man made the choices he did...........what he believed about himself wasn't true:i am unlovable, i am what i do, therefore i am despicable............

don't be afraid to watch that movie or read a book because it doesn't teach good values........Jesus is reflected in everything (yes, even before He came to earth God was already reflecting Him in the ancient Japanese{?} writing you were teaching your precious children about-He's awesome isn't He?).......trust that they may see Jesus' restoring power in the despicable man who learnt that he was worthy of love.......trust that they may be grace conscious and not sin conscious....trust that He will lead them to green pastures and not into evil.......trust that they may know that they are truly forgiven and that they will see that we all-yes even that person who doesn't confess to believe in God-we all reflect Him to the world.......God does not look at what you do to say you are loved and behaving acceptably........you were loved before you were in your mother's womb........instead He looks at Jesus-the only Word that you need to spend time soaking in, surrounding yourself with............seek Him and all those good things you want your children to walk in will be added unto them, effortlessly..........a free gift from the God who looks at Jesus, sees you and says: you. are. not. Despicable. 2. me.......

p.s. i love you, my friend, and i hope that you will know that you are living a radical life with Jesus right where you are.........

the joyful laughter of my little minion princess........priceless

silly monkey minion

i love you mommy..........His Love is reflected everywhere.........open our eyes Lord, we want to see Jesus

He keeps His promises.........

Hey kid, did you think this was the easy life?

Hey kid, you gotta stand up and deliver

Always getting what you want 

You're gonna have to push aside,

They've got you all encircled and there's nowhere you can hide,

Hey kid, did you think this was the easy life?

Thinking about our early childhood years,

Makes me wonder where it went wrong,

Didn't the things we went through make you strong?

No, that ain't the answer this was meant to be…..

Hey kid did you think this was the easy life? 

i penned those words when i was about fifteen, it was a song, so there's more to it but i can't remember it now.......and that book i threw away long ago-throwing away the past........it was a reaction to the reality that was my life at the time.......my brother had gone off to the navy, leaving home for the first time........mom and i were left alone with my dad.......my brother had a break down while in training, he was put in the psych ward at 2 mil hospital under observation.......i remember the helpless feeling i had when i was told that he had been placed in that ward..........not my brother-the one who was always strong and determined to succeed.........my silent, strong fighter was loosing a battle ..........was history repeating itself?.......it's all a blurry memory now so i don't remember all the facts, i think my mom asked for the doctors to do tests to confirm that my brother wasn't bi-polar like my dad, thankfully he wasn't.........i have a faint memory of a letter or conversation with my brother-he was concerned about mom and i being alone with dad.......he wanted to take care of us.......
reality was: he couldn't.........
i had a similar experience happen to me when i finally plucked up the courage to leave home.......being the last to leave i felt like i was abandoning my mom (my parents were separated by this time).......but i knew that if i stayed i would never pluck up the courage to leave, so when a friend asked me to come and live with her i took that first step towards reality.......
when you're in a co-dependent relationship you don't realise it-unless it is pointed out to you......... so when i left home i didn't realise that i was struggling with adapting to the reality that our family life had been anything but normal............and so i crashed.........the scary thing was i felt like i had no-one to talk to.........co-dependents don't talk about their trials, they just try to get on with life denying what they are really feeling.......
it was around about this time when i ended that long term relationship........the only way i felt that i could start life again was to have a new beginning..........i'm so thankful that it wasn't up to me to rebuild my life........Jesus had already begun His work in me, He had been drawing me to Him before I moved out of home...........i know now that it is only because of His love that I am living a normal family life now........
one or two years after leaving home (it's also a little blurry for me), i met my husband to be.......when he asked me to marry him i was petrified-so much so that i returned the ring he had given to me..........but he never walked away...........
i went for counseling over the next few months, our pastor and his wife took me in for the school holidays (such love!)...........the Lord used a few sessions with a psychiatrist to unlock the past for me: I was afraid to commit, afraid to make a decision that I believed would cause me to destroy another person's life..........but God in His Love gave me the courage to realise that it was a decision I had to make for myself, no one else could tell me who to marry, no one else could say i wasn't marriage material (we had done a personality assessment, at a marriage course, after which we were advised that i shouldn't get married-not to Ray-but in general)..........
sometime in the midst of all this i attended a series of talks about restoring the ancient paths........i don't remember much about the talks but someone prayed for me one night, after they had prayed they said they felt that the Lord was saying that the years that the locusts had destroyed would be redeemed to me............

we attended a friend's fortieth this past week-end.........it was a lovely celebration of his life.......two of his friends gave a speech in which they spoke highly of him, commending him for having integrity, loyalty, wisdom and for achieving great things in his life (he is a principal of a school), his wife had sung a humorous song to him about their life together.........during the evening i looked over at my precious husband......he was wearing a sweatshirt which he owned before we got married, shoes which needed fixing and his shaggy, overgrown beard-he had grown out of protest-needed a trim ( i really don't like cutting his hair-so he jokingly told me he wouldn't trim his beard until i cut his hair)...........i wondered if his friends had noticed..........but, for the first time ever, I realised that i didn't really care if they had.......i had been myself at that party, I wasn't ashamed to be myself-to joke about his hairy unkempt beard, or admit that i was a housewife when asked what I was doing, we couldn't chat about the latest additions to our home or share about the exciting new work experiences we were having, but it was great to hear what other's were doing........i was happy for them........it was a good evening......

when we left the party i had been processing what i had experienced.........i couldn't quite put into words what i felt, but i think i said something to ray like: for the first time i wasn't really bothered about what others were sharing about their lives, i don't feel like i'm doing much compared to them, but it's ok........he replied: that's because you're at rest........you don't need to be doing anything now.....
we got to bed late that night, i knew we could sleep in late the next morning as the kids were sleeping over at friends..........but i was woken around six o'clock by a gentle whisper...........i realised what else i had been processing that night: ray will turn 40 soon, he's been trying to decide what to do to celebrate........we don't have a huge group of friends (and that's ok ;-) and at this present moment we don't have money to host a big party..........but if i could stand in front of a crowd of people to celebrate my husband i wouldn't want to speak of the wonderful places we have travelled to or the career which he has persued, asking his friend's to come up with a list of characteristics which they think define him wouldn't tell people about the man that i know.........the man who told me that he would wait for me to love him when i told him that i didn't think i could ever love him the way he needed to be loved..........the man who told me that he saw potential in me to love and that even if he had to wait till we were old for me to love him.......he would wait.........how do you tell a crowd of people that you are proud to be someone's wife because: while the Lord restored, renewed and rebuilt your life, he waited patiently.............how do you tell a crowd of people that for all of the riches in the world, all of the places to journey to, i would rather have a happy family........i would rather be with a man who allowed me to persue the true Lover of my soul so that i could love him the way that Christ has loved me, unconditionally.....what i have found in Christ is priceless and i am so thankful to My Kinsman Redeemer for giving me the blessing of a good man.........
my love, you mean the world to me..........p.s i think i'm ready to cut your hair now


note:  when i read the link to co-dependency it brought me to tears.........so thankful to the Father for His ability to restore.........i can take no credit for my change of heart.... all glory and honour to Him!

Ephesians 2 vs 6-10 And He raised us up together with Him and made us sit down together in the heavenly sphere in Christ Jesus.  He did this that He might clearly demonstrate through the ages to come the immeasurable riches of His free grace in kindness and goodness of heart toward us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by free grace that you are saved through your faith.  And this is not of yourselves, but it is the gift of God;  Not because of works, lest any man should boast.  [It is not the result of what anyone can possibly do, so no one can pride himself in it or take glory to himself.] For we are God's handiwork, recreated in Christ Jesus, that we may do the good works which God predestined for us, that we should walk in them. [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live.]

p.s sorry i'm having font problems.......hope it didn't come out too big/small ;-)

the man i married.......

on sunday ray rode in the argus cycle tour for about the sixth time since we have been married........he used to ride quite a bit before we met.....think he had about ten under his belt by that time........there was one year we decided to do it together........

it was just before we got married, i was still living in a block of flats at the bottom of ou kaapse weg, in fish hoek valley, still teaching......we started training a little bit in the holidays but as term time set in the practices became less and less.......ray, having ridden the route before, knew it would be a good thing for me to experience a mountain pass before the day........so my mind would be prepared.......but i didn't want to do ou kaapse weg.........and i kept putting it off.......until all practicing came to a complete halt.......

on the morning of the ride i was pretty excited to be doing the ride with him......something different......something for us to do together.......

but i was intent on not pushing myself too hard.......it is a long ride after all!  i had decided that i would take on the attitude of "it's a fun ride-let's enjoy the scenery"........rather frustrating for someone who was used to riding at a pace and completing the tour in under five hours.......

we were doing fine until we reached the bottom of ou kaapse weg.........i could see home......and i could see the mountain up ahead.......my mind wasn't in it......i convinced him that i couldn't go on...... i chose home........he said he wanted to finish the ride......we were part of the stragglers by that time and although my legs (and mind) had given up ray's hadn't.........

when he got back to me after the race he told me that he had just missed the cut off time, seven hours in the saddle......but he had finished.......he told me how he had felt to fly past some of those stragglers, with legs that weren't tired......we giggled at how strange it must have been for them to see this guy come blazing past them still riding strong when it was late in the day and by this time no-one else should have been looking like they were riding with ease.........and even though i hadn't finished the race he didn't hold it against me.....

a few years later we were married and had kids.....our marriage was struggling........the Lord was restoring the past and i was still learning to let Him be my restorer.......i still wanted to do things my way.....wanted to fix the problems as quickly as they arose.........while he wanted to cross the bridges when we came to them.........(oh, how that phrase irritated me in those days)........I believed that what i wanted was right, what i expected ray to be was who he was meant to be.....

one day, after spending the morning in our room, avoiding all conversation and contact with my husband.......pleading with the Lord to help me to love him like He loves him......i knew i wasn't, but i still believed that i was right and he wasn't being the husband and father he was made to be.......

i climbed into the shower, knowing i had to be a part of our family, had to show my face to the kids...........being naked in front of the Lord tends to open my eyes.......He showed me how, as a little girl, i had desperately wanted to feel my father's presence, wanted him to be a part of our lives........but he wasn't, his mental illness had built walls between us....... his past had built walls between us........and although i knew he desperately wanted to be loved, it was all too often stolen from him.......our father-daughter relationship was not built on time or sharing experiences together.......and so i had expected ray to be the dad i had never had: the dad who was physically and mentally present one hundred percent of the time......in fact i wanted him to be more than the dad my dad was.......i wanted him to be perfect.......

i climbed out of the shower knowing that i had to say sorry........struggling with that too.......but eventually i did.....i found him outside hanging up the washing........being the dad he was made to be.....

we've been together almost twelve years now.......i believe that day was the turning point for us......the Lord has had to do a lot of restoring for me, but that's His business anyway so i'm thankful that i can hand over my struggles to Him.....it's too hard trying to do it on my own.........

when my eyes were finally opened, when i could finally let ray be the dad and husband he has been created to be, this is what the Lord showed me:

the man i married is my mr steady.......he'll keep on riding this race of life with me to the end......even go over mountains for me when i think i can't.......and if i let him lead i'll soon see that it is way better to  be on top of the mountains with him than to stay in the valleys of doubt without him.......

lately i've been asking the Lord to show me how to Love everyone like He does.......open your eyes to see how everyone reflects my Love.......each one of us reflects the Father's love.......believer or not.......He created all......and so all reflect His glory.........

when i look back on this experience in my life i can see how the Father used the man i married to reflect His Love for me.........even before we were married.......He has steadily stuck by me helping me to overcome mountains which i thought would never move.......

"To my Love, I am so thankful to the Father for blessing me with you........long ago you thought you could never fill the shoes.........you've done more than that already and we've only just begun......i look forward to riding with you till the end, i just know we're going to enjoy the ride.  Loveyoulotslikejellytots!"

last year's argus

learning to love like You......

i dropped my little girl at school today with a cooler box filled with fluffy toys and a fishing net........she is taking part in the second round of the speaker reader competition at school.......

after that i drove to the beach to meet a friend for our morning walk and watched the sea.....it was so peaceful, no wind, no white choppy horses......still.......be still and know that I am God.........

but my heart was not still......i was thinking of what she had said in the car: i really want to get through to the  finals mommy......i had reminded her to enjoy herself and to remember to speak loudly....it was the only encouragement i felt i should give but in my mind i was desperately wanting her to win, wanting her to succeed, wanting her to know what it is like to be a winner........

as i sat and looked at the sea His whisper led me down memory lane........to a girl who deeply believed that she could be a leader, knew that she could stand up in front of a crowd and encourage them to follow her lead......she knew it, but she didn't believe it........no-one had seen what lay deep within her, no-one knew her real desires, no-one had encouraged her to be what lay deep within.......

and then He whispered some more........this is what I believe about you: you can be who you want to be........just be still and know that I am in control........

and so He showed me that it's ok to want the very best for my child-He wants the very best for me........

but what if she doesn't achieve this desire Lord?  in My time it will happen.......this is a process, let me show you what is happening:

last year jenna came home and told you about the speaker reader competition, she chose her poem-even though you thought it probably wasn't the most dramatic, wouldn't appeal to the listener's, you knew she had to do what she chose......it fact she was pretty adamant it wasn't going to be any other way ;-) .......so you helped her to practice the best you could (even though she didn't always listen to your advice).......and she got through to the second round.......she knew her words but she spoke too softly.......a boy with a long joke, which made the audience laugh, won......

so this year when she came home and said i want to write a story about a penguin that will make the boys laugh, you knew she had learnt from her past experiences.......so while she dictated her story to you, you gently guided and discussed and encouraged her ideas while you typed......amazed at your little girl's creativity......

do you remember when she gave up gymnastics-even though she was so good at it- and I told you that the world looks at our talents as something we do and not as THE gift that i have placed deep within you poured out to them through the works I have prepared in advance for you to do?......  I told you that you need to encourage her to believe in (and receive) what I have given her............love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...... that these are the real gifts which we shouldn't hide under the jar, the talents we shouldn't bury in the ground.......these are the gifts i have created you to share, to bless the world with........this is Me being in control, this is Me training her in the gifts i have placed deep within her........this is Me being her teacher, giving her my knowledge.......

when you were a child there was no-one who consistently encouraged you to be who you are......this is the passing on of what I have blessed you with.......your legacy........

remember when she took part in the school play last year as fairy-sa-jolly-good-fellow?.......she really wanted to be in that play, you knew she could do it, believed she had the ability to remember the words......and then on the night she stood on the stage all beautiful and innocent......... and she forgot what she had to say.......it was tough for you to watch, especially when you took her little friends with the next night and you really wanted her to do well.........listening to the lady in front of you say: this little girl never remembers her words, broke your heart........you really wanted her to prove her wrong......but she didn't, she forgot again.........why? you asked.......because she doesn't believe in herself, she's just like you used to be.........you need to encourage her more........you went home and shared it with ray and you said you didn't know how to do that...........well, this is Me training you.....you know what lies deep within you now........speak it over her, bless her with your words, tell her who she is because of who I AM.........

don't teach her what the world teaches:it is what we do in life that is our purpose........her purpose is to know Me, to be in relationship with me, and when she knows this she will know the freedom that she was created for........to be exactly who she desires to be........for I placed those desires deep within her before she was even created in your womb........

this learning-to-love-like-you Lord, it ain't easy when i do it my way, i'm learning more and more everyday that it is only when i don't know how, when i say: i am weak, show me your ways, it is only then that You can burn away the fat of unbelief..........thank You Father for leading me on your paths and showing me Your ways........thank You that because of You i will wait patiently while You teach my precious jolly-good-fellow to spread the joy and love you have placed deep within her.......thank you for loving us just the way we are

if you have the time.......listen here to this song......hope it blesses you

how to loose weight effortlessly.......

i always used to wonder why when the people made sacrifices to the Lord in the old testament it was usually followed by words like this:

Exodus 29vs 25 and burn them on the altar for a sweet and satisfying fragrance before the Lord; it is an offering made by fire to the Lord.

especially when it came to fat.......fat?  why would the smell of fat please the Lord?  isn't that the stuff we are not supposed to eat?  wouldn't He just want the best meat from us?  surely He doesn't want the fat too?  that's the unhealthy stuff.......the stuff we really don't need.......

over the last few years i believe that He has slowly shown me why the smell of fat burning is pleasing to Him......

fat IS the stuff we really don't need, it's the beliefs about ourselves (and Him) that we have that hold us back from walking in Spirit and Truth........the things we think we need to do to be righteous.......and sometimes they are beliefs we don't even know are there until He gently shows us.........

when the Father first started pulling at my heartstrings, gently trying to help me to let go, i thought that He was asking me to sacrifice what I treasured most in the world.......instead He was really asking me to receive......

you see what i believed was that He was a God who asked you to give up things that are precious to you......because if i wasn't sacrificing something then i wasn't being a good person, wife, mother.....

and so in His gentle way He started showing me that He is a Father who wants us to receive His life.......not make sacrifices.......just believe and receive.......because what He is i am...... because of what Jesus sacrificed for me........no more sacrificing needed from me, it is finished........

He first whispered about renewing my mind.......changing what i believed in, to become someone i believe in........because when i find myself in Him: all His promises are yes! and amen (so be it!)....

i believed that i had chosen Him.......instead He had chosen me.......He had persued me......and when He renewed that belief i finally could begin to accept His gifts which He so willingly wanted me to receive.......

burning away the fat IS pleasing to our Lord.......and effortless when we receive what He freely gives.....His life in us, completing the good works He has begun.......

so around the end of 2011 when i was trying to come to terms with the fact that the life i was living was about to change i felt that i should join the gym.......honestly, i wasn't a gym person at the time, i'd tried that all before and it didn't really work......but i felt it was something that the Lord was saying i should do so i joined.......when the Lord says do, i often ask why? and because He's patient with me sometimes i think He gives me a glimpse of the why ;-)  .......but there's always so much more to Him........He was busy restoring........one of the things i had beaten myself up about when it came to home schooling was that i couldn't possibly have been a good home schooler because i just didn't have the self-discipline......instead He showed me that i do, when i believe what He says about me.......i have his mind......i have His self-control......and when i'm walking where He leads what was once a burden becomes very light to carry........so instead of finding gym to be a labour as it had been before, it became a blessing to me......in fact going to gym has become a place where He whispers His love to me often.......

one day last year, while in the pool doing aqua, i felt Him saying to me: like you are fully immersed in the water now, THIS is what I am going to do for you.......immerse you fully into Me.......

and so for a year i went to gym........and didn't loose one ounce of fat!

at the beginning of this year i was reconsidering gym......do i do this still......it wasn't working, i hadn't lost any weight....and then He reminded me about an eating plan i had followed when trying to conceive (which i still believe was one of the reasons why i eventually did conceive).......a balanced way of eating......and so i joined up again.....and in one month i lost three kilograms........why Lord?

by going to gym and doing the exercises, i showed you that i am within you and that because i am within you you DO have self-discipline.......you didn't need to run to anyone/anything else to find your way, what i have placed within you is good enough to do all things i will lead you to do.........and life is not about doing the right exercises to loose the fat.......the extra weight you carry.......feed on me, eat from my life and i will take away the fat (beliefs) that weigh you down.......be careful what/whom you feed off of-where/whom you get your life from.......you don't have to do the work i haven't created you for......this tires you out and becomes a burden to you.....just let me lead you and when you follow I will renew your mind to be like mine..........all I have is within you.......freely receive,

the past two months have been so interesting........i realise that i am at the beginning of a very exciting new step on this journey with Christ......His Love being poured out into me........and whereas before i believed that i was unworthy of receiving His Love, He is burning away the fat and i am longing to freely receive His Love........and so by His grace i live in hope that the weight of unbelief will continue to fall off effortlessly.......both in mind and body ;-)

A rare occurrence......me caught on camera! Dec 2011

how we got here (part two)

i thought i'd continue with our change from homeschooling to schooling story....

journal entry: scared to go to s.v.p.s. and ask for fees and application forms-rejection? i told you so?? not hearing and then i have egg on my face?? help Lord, I need your guidance-clearly
Mark 4: the storm-have faith in Jesus

i stood in the foyer of the school during mike's gymnastics lesson......trying to pluck up the courage to ask for forms.....i was hiding......i had just seen the principal walking towards me outside and i had literally run so that he wouldn't have a chance to stop and say hello, to chat, to ask questions.......so now i hid in the corner of the foyer.......wrestling with my thoughts again,

i have to ask for them i thought, i had told ray I would, can't go back on my word......have to do what i said...
so i eventually submitted to honoring my husband-knowing that he would expect me to do as we had discussed......
the woman at reception knew we were home schoolers....so when i approached and stammered: i need to ask for application forms.....she smiled cheerily and said oh i thought you were home schooling....um, yes, we are, but i have to do this....oh ok, you know you could ask at the rock academy too, they have smaller classes......i know, but, um, that's not what we want.....well we feel that this is where we are supposed to apply, we think it is what the Lord wants........are they still having interviews?  i think the last one is next week......

journal entry: Numbers 22 Balaam and his donkey-didn't do what God had told him. The angel stopped his donkey until God made the donkey speak.  Then Balaam saw the angel and he realised he was wrong.  So he says:vs 11 The word that God puts in my mouth, that shall I speak." 
That is how I want to live Lord.  Doing what You say when You say it!

Numbers 23 vs 12... Must I not be obedient and speak what the Lord has put in my mouth?
vs 26 "Did I not say to you, All the Lord speaks, that I must do?"

journal entry: Put application forms in yesterday.  Have to wait to be invited.  No pre-school report-very little points-and who knows if the person who processes the papers will even know that I taught there.  So it's in God's hands now.  Told Jen yesterday-at first she was tearful-and by the end of the day she was excited.  Prayed with Ray again.  He read Proverbs 16-the verses which have been rolling around in my head for a while.........wait, rest, trust......accept whatever happens.

the date for the last interview came.......and went......we didn't receive an invitation to attend and i thought: ok, so i heard wrong.......well, that's ok we'll just carry on as before.......but deep within i knew this wasn't over......

almost a week later i sat at the breakfast table in the morning when jen arrived for breakfast......
journal entry: Jenna had a dream about school.  She says the Lord spoke to her and told her she would be going to school.

wow, You really want this to happen........

i won't lie to you, although i felt certain that the Lord was guiding us down a new path, i struggled to let go.......holding on to a way of life was easier,

the phone rang later that week: hello? hi, it's allison from s.v.p.s we are having the last interview for a few stragglers who applied late, are you still interested in your child attending?  my first thought was: i could say no and this would be the end of it all.....Ray would never know that they phoned........who am i kidding? i can't lie to him.........uh, ok, i said, we will attend.....

i was sick that day, didn't feel much like talking, so we sat with the other parents listening while our precious little girl sat with the children drawing pictures.......we did the tour, walked through the passages........are we seriously doing this? am i really coming back here? walking up the stairs to leave she reached for my hand and said: i like it here mom, i want to come, it's going to be ok, i know i will make friends.......my heart was in turmoil, but i had to smile at this brave little girl, had to be strong, had to say: yes, i know you will........

after that time we started to slowly let people know what we were going to do.......a few whom i thought would support us, would understand we were following the Lord's guidance.......ray's folks found out quite by accident, jen let it slip, their reaction made me angry........why couldn't they have been that supportive of homeschooling?

i struggled with depression for a while.......was i not good enough to homeschool Lord?  did you think i couldn't do it?

journal entry:  Ray searched the word on Saturday night about being depressed.......when you have a major spiritual breakthrough you can often enter into depression after being on the high of 'being' with God-He read about Elijah and the prophets of Baal.  I felt an immediate lift and relief.......at fellowship we shared with friends and they said he'd been going through the same thing!!! (over something the Lord had been leading him to do)

Deut 31 vs 8 It is the Lord who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit] ( depressed, dismayed and unnerved with alarm)

slowly my Father ministered to me........showing me where my heart had been.......and where He was leading me to....

Deut 7 vs 6 For you are a holy and set apart people to the Lord your God; the Lord your God has chosen you to be a special people to Himself out of all the people on the face of this earth.

journal entry: what has God called you to do to set you apart?  Being set apart doesn't mean you take on a "doctrine" of a certain group, rather it means you follow God's voice for setting you apart-His exact instructions to you which will bring glory to God because of how your life reflects His way.

but it takes time to renew your mind (i still battle at times we i'm comparing, thankfully it's getting less)……it has taken time for Him to renew, to show me what i had put my faith in........and not whom i had put my faith in.......i had a dream in which the Lord revealed to me how I had placed my faith in home schooling to create the perfect environment for my children to grow up in.......they were perfect on the outside...but not within, where it really counts.......

during the next four months He gently whispered to me…….showing me how much He loved me, wanted to bless me……..wanted to renew my mind…..in our home i saw more freedom growing in our lives……..i could see how my husband was more relaxed………but that didn't stop me from feeling angry on the days i felt weak, feeling like i was the one having to give up, the one who had to change……and still He continued to whisper His love…….

i had days, no, weeks when i grappled with the decision again…….even sat and chose a curriculum, planned a school room……..told my little girl her mommy was feeling like it would be best to home school but i was still deciding……..it's ok mom, whatever you want to do i am fine with that…….

we spent the day with family after the new year and an aunt asked jen if she was excited to be going to school…….innocently she looked over at me and said: am i home schooling mommy?….. granny was not happy to hear that and while i was inside she interrogated my poor husband, who dutifully defended my latest decision………i was angry again: why can't they just believe in me?……..and He unlocked another key, pride………i'm just going to do it and prove them all wrong!

and so i tried to convince Ray again.......comparing........with my wisdom and not the Lord's ........ causing him to toss on the waves of doubt.......the tossing to and fro was making my little girl anxious, her boldness was slowly dying.........

we went away on our family camping trip knowing a decision needed to be made, when we returned school would start in two days..........

we tried to relax, enjoy time together as a family away from home....... away from reality.......i kept on asking ray how he felt, wanting him to make the decision...... not wanting to be the one who had to submit.......

ray had a beautiful dream while we were away.......a promise of a beautiful year ahead.......falling in love with His Saviour, our Provider........and i knew then that it would be ok, that He would provide all the strength i needed to walk this new path........i was at peace again,

we returned home to buy jen her school uniform........and to start our roller coaster first year at school......trusting that the only Rock we should build our home on is Jesus........the only path we should follow is His....not putting our faith in a way of life but rather in the way to life.......