around about two years ago i went through a period of trying to figure out what to do as a hobby.....the world was telling me-you're supposed to have interests......something to keep you busy other than your children......you're supposed to know who you are and what you enjoy........i tried pottery and then sewing, thought about starting to dance again but joined a pilates class instead.........but nothing seemed like it was for me........
a year later i joined a craft group with some friends.......every month we'd learn a new craft......what i confirmed about myself was: if something doesn't have a purpose then i didn't really want to do it....so, for example, when i learnt to crochet i had to do something with that skill-make a blanket for jen......what i struggled with the most after these craft evenings was the reality that i didn't have the same enthusiasm for crafting as my friends........i wasn't the same........it wasn't that i couldn't do those things:i could........i just didn't want to......
the comparison game is a killer.........you feel like you don't fit in, like you're not good enough......not the mom, wife or woman you're supposed to be.........
i used to fall into the comparison trap often.........
the Lord had starting highlighting this fact for me (again) as we were going through the transition from home schooling to schooling........He is a great farmer-pulling out the biggest weeds which want to choke the life out of us, allowing the true seeds to grow so that we can reap a good harvest.........for me the biggest weed was: i'm.not.good.enough.
He showed me how, as a teacher, i had never believed in my ability to be a good teacher.......i was always asking others: what do you use? how do you teach that? when i was grade head i thought that if i wasn't teaching the same as my colleagues then i wouldn't be teaching my class as well as them......at both of my teaching posts i taught with two very experienced teacher's.......the last of which was the most challenging........i was the young one with five years of teaching experience trying to lead a creative out-of-the-box-teacher with twenty plus years experience and my phase head.......i was the grade head who found her security in doing things by the book to feel successful in her teaching........we were a ticking time bomb and i felt like i bore the brunt of it in year end evaluations............it was only in my last year that i realised the only way to lead was to combine our strengths to overcome our individual weaknesses........by the end of my five years there i had finally come to realise that we were all individuals doing the same work in our own way producing good results.........apparently they must have thought that too....in my final year i was selected as one of the top teachers on the staff.............but i didn't believe it.........
when jen started at school it was like starting our lives all over again.......both our kids had grown up in the home school community........barring one other family at fellowship-all of their friends were home schoolers.......one of the first things i noticed was: we're on our own and the comparison game wasn't being played.........i had no-one to compare myself to.........school moms don't often stand around chatting about how to parent or school their children at the end of the day........and it was going to take some time to make friends.......
in the last year of having the kids at home with me i had also learnt that there were questions to avoid if you wanted to stop playing the comparison game: how do you do that? what would you do? what do you use? these were all questions that set me up either as the one that felt good as a parent/mom/wife or resulted in me feeling like a failure in those very same areas.........
the Lord is good-i have no doubt about that-when He removes weeds of unbelief, He plants new seeds of truth and if we allow Him to water those seeds, if we believe the truth about ourselves we'll find ourselves growing stronger........
it felt like i had no-one else to lean on or share my experiences with in those early days of jen going to school........i kept on reminding myself that the Father had promised to lead us on paths of righteousness, that He had promised that He would never leave us and He hasn't..........i could tell you of the many times that He has met our needs, how He has comforted and given wisdom........i could tell you about the times i doubted what we were doing and wrestled with Him for answers........but what i really want to tell you today is how He has set me free from the comparison game to begin discovering who I AM........
late one night i sat listening to a teaching by bertie britz........he's a south african believer who has an amazing revelation of God's love and purpose for our lives.........i'm not even sure now which teaching it was, but i know the effect it had on me.......over all of those years when the Father had been drawing me closer, trying to show me who He was, i had been believing a lie..........i believed that i was a christian because i had chosen to follow Jesus...........i believed that i had chosen to follow Him and therefore that i loved Him.......but i didn't believe that He loved me............that night He told me that He had been planting seeds all of my life........sometimes I chose to believe them and His Spirit could water them and help them to grow.........but most of the time i let the world tell me what to believe about myself and those weeds would often grow up and throttle the truth that He had revealed to me..........He told me that all of my life He had loved me-thought of me and desired me even before i was knit together in my mother's womb.............all my life He had persued me, He thought that i would make a perfect bride for Him..........all that He was asking was for me to believe that He loves me..........when i realised that it wasn't because i had chosen to follow Him, but rather that all i needed to do was to believe that He loves me....when i realised that truth, He whispered: if you can believe that i love you just the way you are, that is all i want from you...........now we can become one........bride and bridegroom......you don't need to be a follower, walk beside me and just believe..........
pretty soon after that experience i made the decision to put jen into school...........walking down that path, which i had thought i wouldn't take, i knew that i could trust My Father to be with me.......i knew Jesus was with me and that He had chosen me as His bride.........i feel like now is the time to learn about what He has put within me.......His Spirit........often, in the past two years, it felt like i was giving up who i was but when i finally stopped wrestling i would see that He was just trying to show me who He was.......My Protector, My Wisdom, My Provider, My Shepherd, My Best Friend.........He was showing me just how much He loves me.........that night, almost two years ago, He had planted the seed of truth in my heart and ever since He has been watering it and growing my knowledge of His love for me......
i've realised now that i was in a place of isolation for good reasons.........a place where the opportunity for comparison didn't arise as often as before.............a place where i could really begin to discover who I AM and to grow strong in Him........once i had believed that the Father loved me just as i am i could begin to trust Him more too.........so when things around me look like they don't make sense, i'm trusting that He is control and that He knows what He is doing..........after all He's had me in His thoughts since the beginning of time.....
i love to be out in creation with my family, climbing mountains together.....
reaching the highest points seems tough sometimes..........
but i thoroughly enjoy the views from the top of the mountains we have overcome, together
