replacing the old with the new.....

i used to want to flee from the hard times in life.....try to run away from the challenges........avoid making life changing decisions.......long for the mountain tops when i was in a valley..........these were some of the habits that ruled me,

it was easier to go through life not having to deal with pain, hurt or disappointment........so i did everything within my power to control what i could to avoid them........

but the truth was:that controlling-thing i was doing, wasn't working out too well for me.......the more i tried to control my life, to protect myself and those around me, the harder it got to keep it together........instead of living in peace on earth........i was holding myself captive in my own little hell........

eternal life for me is a given.........everybody can receive it, it's a free gift...........everybody will live forever.........in freedom or in chains, in the light or in the dark...........the thing is, at this present moment, my physical body is not living in eternity, it's living in the now......in the moment.......in this day that He has made......and to live in this day according to His will........i need to know His  freedom............

there was a time in my life when i thought that freedom meant the things i do would bring me freedom and not the things that i believed.......by His grace that did bring a certain kind of freedom.......but not the eternal kind........when i began to give up trying to control what i thought my life should/would  look like He began to take me deeper to a place that will take the chains off, a place that helped me to see that it is not always the mountain top experiences that are life changing, but it is most often the valleys that i go through that will bring true Life to water the soil that had run dry within my soul to renew the Spirit within............

living in the Light brings Life.........living in the darkness keeps you captive to your old self, your old ways, your old habits........you can live in heaven here on earth.....or you can be held captive in hell....

i am still discovering freedom (i think it'll be a life long journey).......and i'm ok with that now-never used to be, wanted to know what the next step was, wanted to know how it was all going to look in the end, wanted the plan all carefully plotted out that i could follow..........

so how is He doing it?  because, believe me it is nothing that i have done........all that i can do is believe and receive...........

like a Shepherd He has gently led me to places where i can eat, where i can receive what He has laid out for me to feast on..........i won't lie to you, it has not been easy becoming naked, realising that apart from Him i am nothing but a clanging cymbal, giving up idols in my life......facing the past, learning to forgive.......allowing Him to do the work and not me...........

last year after He had shown me that it was time to share more, to not be afraid of becoming naked in front of others, He promised me that He would do the changing........He highlighted areas in my life that He wanted to renew and restore.....and i said great-let's do it!......and then i was invited to attend a seminar for a day-Heartlife: Insight for transformation..........i had a choice: go and possibly become naked.........or avoid the whole experience entirely..........i wrestled with Him (as i sometimes do) saying: You said You'll do the renewing so why do i have to go to this seminar if You have promised that You will do what needs to be done?.......You said it, i believe it, so why must i go?...........because it's time to start being naked........
we had to fill out forms and get three people to fill them out too.......you get the assessment back before the seminar and one thing was blatantly clear to me: to others i was someone completely different to whom i thought i was..........now this could be seen as no biggie, but to me it was another indicator that no one really knew me because i had always been too afraid to share my thoughts, opinions or feelings with those to whom i was closest to.......i knew that i had to go to the seminar as i felt that He was going to use it for good but my heart was feeling heavy.........i was afraid of being told that i wasn't capable of change.......

i recorded this experience in my journal, reading over it today i am amazed at what My Father was doing behind the scenes......

journal entry: "Been listening to Bertie Britz again-lots of meaty stuff-freedom from law and bitterness I need a deeper understanding of these things.  I need to truly understand grace"

at the seminar we discussed how past experiences in our lives (both negative or positive) could set templates up for us which cause us to react to current situations with a habitual reaction.......for example: if you were never praised by a parent and you always received critical "encouragement" from them you would most likely become tense/fearful/weary in a situation of appraisal by an authority figure........

after discussing some of these habits and how they are played out in our lives we discussed how the negative templates would influence our relationship with the Lord........

Genesis 3:8-13 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.  But the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, Where are you?  He said, I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.  And He said, Who told you that you were naked?  Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat? And the man said, The woman whom You gave to be with me-she gave me from the tree, and I ate.  And the Lord God said to the woman, What is this you have done?  And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I ate.

journal entry: "Separation-not believing what the Lord says about you."

then we were encouraged to spend time picturing where the Lord was in the room and what He was saying to us........

i saw Him kneeling in front of me.......holding out His heart towards me.........offering for me to take it and receive His heart, His Love, His ways.......to replace my ways and my habits.......

and after that i saw a picture of Ray and i on a beach, i was holding him........and then we walked together in unity down the beach........

during the seminar i had felt (most of the time) comfortable sharing my thoughts........until we were asked if we would like to participate in a play therapy session.........during this session we were told to use plastic dolls, furniture and other props to re-enact a stage in our daily life........my brain literally shut down......it felt like i didn't understand the question......like i didn't know what i had to do.......while everyone else set about the task at hand i panicked........i couldn't think of what scene i wanted to portray......i wanted to run away from the whole experience..........i wanted to avoid the feeling of pain that was welling up inside of me.............when i realised what the battle was about: nakedness in front of others-they would all see my scene, and if they're anything like me they're going to analyse what i put out in front of me-even if it was impossible to interpret........when i realised what i was afraid of i forced myself to see the picture that the Lord was revealing to me.....

it was the typical coming home scene (at the time) at the end of everyday in our home: i was standing behind our kitchen counter preparing supper, ray had just walked in the door.........and the kids were running down the passage into his arms to greet him.........my feeling at that time of day:i suck at what i'm doing and i was pretty peeved off at everyone and everything by the end of the day!

we were asked to answer some questions relating to the scene and as i answered each one to myself i realised that i saw myself as an unworthy, incapable mom and wife........it was easier for me to feel anger than acceptance and so i was afraid of rejection by my family and husband.......my past templates were dictating how i acted and setting a tone for rejection and fear in my home........

but then the Lord whispered this to me: I want to unite you.......don't be afraid........I don't see you the way that you see yourself.........I see you as a perfect mom and a perfect wife.......believe this!

i could have avoided that whole seminar........run away from the pain that i knew could be caused by it-facing who you believe you are can be painful, receiving who Jesus says you are brings freedom.......i am so thankful, that by God's grace, that i went along that day........He broke off more chains in one day than i could possibly have done in my own effort in the same time frame.........

so i've realised that sometimes facing the pain or going through it, is something you just have to do, but you'll never do it alone.......when God burns away the lies in your life and gives birth to new things it can feel painful.......there's a lie out there that says if you are a believer it's always going to be easy sailing when it gets stormy.......but what i've experienced is that sometimes you have to learn to walk with Him on the water of the storms trusting that He will make a way while He births something new in you.......something of Him......yes, it is tough to go through the valley's....and sometimes it can get pretty messy........it wouldn't be called taking battle ground if it wasn't messy.........but i promise you this: soaring above the mountain tops makes you forget all of the pain..............and doing it in His strength brings so much more freedom than doing it on your own.........

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

i am so thankful that Jesus came to set the captives free.........if He had left me to figure it out all on my own i'd still be stuck in the miry clay.......but the truth is He came for that very purpose: setting us free from those things which prevent us from walking in the fullness of Him!

mondays aren't so blue anymore.......

the sun is beginning to rise earlier here in our corner of the world........the promise that winter is finally coming to an end.......i'm not a winter person-i'll take hot summer days over the cold winter nights anytime........but i can see why we have seasons.....there's a time for everything in our lives.........

i started running again around the beginning of the year, and i really enjoyed it, i even ran in a 5km fun run! but the winter rains have destroyed my running schedule-i am not that committed...yet!.......some mornings i get up and don my running gear, if i can't hear rain on the roof and the clouds look like they will not carry rain for the day.......... i've gotta have hope haven't i?!?..........but alas my takkies haven't hit the road much over the last three months!!!!

so when the urge for being outdoors hits, and i just can't take another day indoors i usually wrap up warmly and go for a walk on the beach.....there have been some gaps between the rainfalls ;-)

sometimes i find mondays i need that walk the most.........it's a culmination of a few things: a sunday indoors with the kids ;-) a monday that arrives and takes my precious family off to their places of being, a sunday of fellowship where you just wish the time spent together would never end because it's just so good to be in Love.........but mostly it's because i need time alone with my bestest of friends.........

so this morning when the sun rose earlier and there were no clouds in the sky i made a date with my old Friend, i dressed up warmly-there is still an icy wind-dropped the kiddies off at school, with love and kisses, and raced to the beach.............

it.was.beautiful.........why didn't i take the camera?!?!

as i walked along, basking in the Son, i breathed in the beauty that surrounded me.........sun bright in the sky, cool wind on my face, waves gently crashing on the sand, Light reflected on the sea..........
although i love these times alone my heart was longing to have someone there to share with and talk to......my heart was singing and i wanted to share it....so i asked for someone to come along that i could chat to...........as i continued to walk along i watched the dogs walking on the beach and thought of a friend who recently left our shores to start a new exciting adventure........i just know her dogs would have loved that walk........but there is a time for everything in life........they lived and enjoyed Life here.......and they will enjoy Life in their new destination too!............other friends filled my thoughts too, they're also about to travel..........a time of fun lies ahead for them, a time of strengthening too.......i am so excited to see where the Lord leads them to.........

i reached the river near the end of the beach and couldn't go any further........it.was.so.wide...........no jumping over today!.........as the river entered the sea it divided........one part was wide and the other narrower...........the River is flowing wide and deep, it is time to jump in...........you can flow with it into the sea in the narrow stream or the wide.........it is your choice to make.........will you let the River lead you?

All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.

To the place the streams come from, there they return again.

i turned around and continued on my walk........Joy, oh sweet Joy, filled my soul and strengthened my Spirit.......i wanted to sing and shout and dance........but hey! i was on the beach!! so i resorted to singing in my head..........it was a song which my sweet jenny had listened to on sunday (on dad's hi-jacked phone this time! my kids have just discovered the technology we have and they are spending every possible minute on them-i can't hide the Truth from them), at bedtime jen had told me she just couldn't get the song out of her head.........like a rose, trampled on the ground, He took the fall and thought of me above all...........eventually i was singing it out loud while walking on the beach, well, loud enough for that old man to look at me as i walked past him...........crazy woman!!!

after spending some time on my own at the far end of the beach, sitting on the rocks-you don't feel like a crazy woman when you're sitting on a Rock...........it doesn't matter who is watching actually........i began the walk back to my car......and He whispered this to me: you are not naked anymore, you are crowned with My glory and you wear the robe of righteousness.....

seconds after having this revelation i bumped into an "old" friend with her husband and beautiful daughter...........i was so happy to see her......couldn't believe she was standing there right in front of me..........i'd seen on facebook that she was coming out to visit with her family and i had wondered if i would meet up with them.........actually, I had asked the Lord if He would make a way for me to see her.........there was something i wanted to tell her...........we walked and chatted and caught up on the goings on of our lives........and then we parted.........climbing into my car i realised that i hadn't said what i'd wanted to say to her..........so i got back out and told them what was on my heart: i am so stoked you guys got married......i remember the questions you had when you were dating.........their smiles were priceless!!!

when i got back into the car i remembered what i had asked the Lord for while i walked along the beach.......a friend to chat to............You are an awesome God..........You thought of me above all!

His grace covers a multitude of sins, yours.........and mine

Proverbs16 vs 18 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

i woke up that saturday morning with a norah jones song in my head.......you humble me Lord, you humble me Lord, so please, please, please forgive me..........i knew i had done wrong and there was nothing i could do to take it back......it was done........

as i lay in bed my Daddy spoke gentle words to me..........He took me back to a grade one classroom, to a beautiful little heart i'd taught.......she believed in fairies........and i told her i didn't...... in front of a classroom of her friends........i saw her little face change from joy to disbelief........a relationship broken-from that moment on it felt like i could never reach that little girl's heart again........over the years i have thought of that precious little soul and wondered if she knows the Love of Jesus who accepts her no matter what she believes..........but My God, in His love and mercy, said to me that morning: she is in the palm of My hand, I will draw her near to me in My time........you are forgiven........

then He took me to another time.......i was standing in the school passage with a teacher, she was trying to uncover the truth to an incident which had happened........i had been the one to "solve" the mystery by sharing what a friend had confessed to me in private.......she had done something and we would all be punished for it if the culprit wasn't found out.........i spoke the truth........but they wouldn't believe me because my friend had told them she was being wrongly accused.....they believed her and not me....i stood and listened as i was told that i was a liar and there was nothing that i could do to defend myself.........they would not believe me.......
by God's grace ten years later we both sat in a music class (at college) together and for some bizarre reason the lecturer asked: have you ever done anything wrong to someone and you wished you could say sorry to them?.........my friend confessed to lying that day long ago, she apologised to me in front of a class full of our friends..........but to me it felt like she was the one who had been shown as the hero in the situation for confessing and putting things straight........me, i felt like the friend who couldn't be trusted........
four years later i walked into the staff room of the school i was teaching at at the time to come face to face with the very teacher who had called me a liar........fear hit me in that moment:would she tell my fellow staff members of that long ago incident? did she still see me as a liar?..........she didn't know what my friend had confessed to........but instead, when asked what i had been like as a child at school, she answered in Love: she was the cutest little girl and all of the teachers fought over her to have her in their class................

the battle belongs to Me..........let Me fight the battle, you don't need to defend yourself.......the battle is already won...........

Proverbs 16 vs 32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, he who rules his [own] spirit than he who takes a city.

i was supposed to go to the mall that saturday and i was doing everything to delay the inevitable........you see, i was afraid.......i didn't want to see anybody that i knew to be told that i had done damage......and so i did everything to avoid going.........eventually i told ray what i was struggling with.......i told him i'd been wrong to speak out, wrong to shame a fellow believer and i was afraid that i would have to face the consequences of my words........my husband is a wise counsellor-i didn't know how much until that morning-he encouraged me in Love........told me what he sees in me, and i felt strengthened to go and face the world........

walking to the car my little man came out begging me to buy him something at the shops.......i know his heart-he just loves gifts-his day is made when he receives something......anything.....but i was tired of hearing him beg.......so i sat down with him and told him: don't beg.........you're not a beggar.......who is the King of the world? he grinned and said:me.......who is the King of the world? God.......and you are His prince......you don't have to beg from Him, just ask.......He wants to give to you all that you ask for because you're His son.........mommy wants to give you all you ask for, somedays i can and i will.......but somedays you need to wait until i can........i went off to the shops, found what i was looking for and then felt i needed to buy what he had asked me for.........so i took one off the shelf (i thought jen and mike could share) and went to the till........use your loyalty points, He whispered......so i asked how many points i had.....enough to buy two! and cover some of the cost of what i'd gone to buy........as i was leaving (after seeing no-one i knew) i realised that even though i was believing that i had done wrong My Father was saying: even when you think you have done wrong i love you, i want to take care of you and i give you my love for free, in fact i gave you more than you even thought you should get....My Love is abundant.........i was so excited to get home and tell my boy what His Daddy had done for him: given him what he had asked for for free, i hadn't had to pay a cent for his gift!!!

Proverbs 16 vs 33 The lot is cast into the lap, but the decision is wholly of the Lord [even the events that seem accidental are really ordered by Him].

there was more to be unveiled.......

i see-sawed that night between knowing that the Father was in control and thinking that it would just be better to hide.......forever ;-).........i realised that in all probability our friends at fellowship could have read the blog post too......what would they think?!?.........fellowship was the one place i felt safe and unconditionally loved.......would they still accept me even if i had done something despicable?........the Lord is pretty persistant though........once He has you on the palm of His hand He is never going to let you go........no matter how far away you think you can run........i knew that i could go with Him beside me.......fellowship came.......and went........no mention of the blog post............

but the Father still has work to do in me (thankfully He promises to complete the good works He has begun)..........

mornings are tough when your flesh is being exposed to you.......and the world........it's often the time when i feel at my weakest..........dropping the kids at school meant i'd have to face more people who could possibly have read my blog..........guess that's what happens when you get naked on facebook ;-)
my precious kiddies accepted my lame excuse for not walking in with them........and i escaped back home to my castle.........i've learnt that it's best to run to the Lord when things are tough and not away from Him.........so i spent the day soaking in His word by listening to some of my favourite grace teachers..........i am always amazed at how the Lord feeds us.....everything i listened to that morning was encouragement to my soul........

later that day mike "accidentally" pushed the play button on my cell phone........the song that was playing: blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His holy name........He gives and takes away........He gives and takes away.........i get that you give Lord, but how can they sing so joyfully about You taking away?..........but somehow that song was balm to my soul.........

the following day i was faced with the truth of what i had done........of whom it had really effected.....and i wanted to hide (again)........but He encouraged me not to hide........i didn't have a car to fetch the kids, i needed a lift............a friend from fellowship was willing to help.........i sat in the car dreading that she would bring up the topic of my blog post..........instead He whispered to me: I give you the gifts that you need and take away the burdens that you don't need......I give and take away.......let Me fight the battle..........

it was a long week......by thursday i had come to terms with the fact that i had hurt others and that in all probability my children could be effected too.........loosing friends is not easy........but not my children too, Lord.........would you be happy if I was your only friend?.........yes, Jesus, You're the best friend i've ever had........i don't want to loose you too............then believe this: you don't have to fight My battles for Me...........I have already won.....no need to point out unbelief to others, you are not their judge...... just as i keep drawing you closer to Me I can draw all of mankind to Me..........just as I am unveiling the lies that you believe about yourself.........I can unveil their eyes too.......just rest in Me and enjoy the life I want to live through you.......that is all i want you to do.............I AM LOVE that is what  I do...........

my God (and yours) is a God of Love.......sometimes you have to go through fire to burn away the chaff........most of the time i find that it is not what others do or say in the circumstances that i am facing that cause the most turmoil, but rather it is the lies that i believe about myself..........having these lies burnt away can be very painful to our flesh.........giving up what you believe about yourself and receiving what God says about you can be like the birthing process.......giving birth to new truth can be very messy.......realising you've believed a lie can hurt your pride........but holding that new life in your hands replaces all the pain with great joy..........His joy

know this: Love came to set you free..........where we may judge others as living, believing, doing wrong..........He does not judge this way........He is not sin conscious.....He is GRACE......He looks at you and judges you as LOVED........with no price to pay..........

i have been floored by this whole experience.........amazed at My Father's Grace through it all........the people whom i most feared loosing hadn't even read that post.........and i know now that even if they had they would still love me...........

so when all is said and done what have i learnt?.........i am a sinner who is as despicable as you.........i need to know Jesus and the Truth that sets you free from all lies...........just. like. you.........and the best part about it all? it's His work to set me free.......and that He has already completed!

so when He came to me again and whispered: you have judged others the way you think I have judged you.........now i want you to know that you are not judged as guilty, but as loved...........speak in Love.........I will show you how.......do you want me to teach you?.........yes, Lord, yes!

you're not Despicable 2 me..............

my kids love to make minion jokes with their daddy...........the word bottom is followed by fits of giggles and many other related words and jokes-their dad has a great sense of humour-he gets them.......and i love that about him.........they all try desperately to make me succumb to their witty sense of humour and in moments of weakness i've been known to crack a smile...........or even reply with a shocker phrase which causes them to descend into the-place-no-mother-wants-their-family-to-go-to-at-supper-time........mayhem ;-)

ray and my kids love animation movies........in the school holidays he took them to see despicable me 2, i didn't go with them.......i needed time on my own and i knew that suggesting that they go see this particular movie together would be a great memory moment for all of them-they'd all loved the first one...........they came back with many tales to tell and reenacted their favourite moments for days on end.......ray became despicable dad with his two little minions playing their evil fart jokes on me for a while thereafter........

i haven't seen the movie myself yet so i can't comment on the story line.........i've seen the first one......
i'm a sucker for happy endings...........i love it when the underdog overcomes......when the evil guy gets won over by good and he uses his strengths for restoration and not destruction........when the family that has lost all hope discovers that they have the strength to carry on........what can i say:i'm a chick who loves those kind of flicks...........

i used to worry about what my kids watched........would it influence their thoughts and actions....would they pick up bad habits from the characters in the movies..........that worrying doesn't happen as much as it used to.........they generally watch movies which are within the children's section of the dvd rental shops and we don't have dstv-not because we don't want it, it's just not in our price range at the moment.........so our limiting of what they watch is usually determined by availability, whether or not something which is portrayed realistically could become scary and real for mike (he's a warrior at heart-born to battle) or if the content could be too emotionally mature for jenna's perceptive, growing mind (our pure, joyful princess).......

last night i listened to an interesting conversation about movies........despicable me 2 had been the conversation focal point........i didn't contribute, just listened (what does one say when your children watched that very movie that afternoon when you used it as a babysitting aid while you tried to catch a nap)........i know that in all probability i could offend someone with what i want to share next........but i'm going to say it anyway.......

my heart has been heavy today.......i'm sad.........sometimes i wish that when i'm in a situation that the Word that is within would come out.........one day.........

my friend and her family are celebrating their dad's birthday today, part of the plan was to see Despicable Me 2.........to share a family moment making a memory together...........i'm wondering if that part of the plan got trashed last night...........i hope that it didn't........because Love is more powerful to overcome any "bad habit" that her children may have been exposed to in that movie...........

yes, the main character may have made some bad choices in his life, the children of today may be portrayed as defiant and disrespectful towards adults in the movies made today..........it is a sign of the times-a sign of how much we misunderstand what Jesus really did for us.........instead of encouraging your child not to play with someone who acts like that, instead of teaching them that if that man stood before Jesus He would not like his behaviour.............teach them about how Jesus sees that man..........loved, forgiven........perfect in his sight.....teach them about why that man made the choices he did...........what he believed about himself wasn't true:i am unlovable, i am what i do, therefore i am despicable............

don't be afraid to watch that movie or read a book because it doesn't teach good values........Jesus is reflected in everything (yes, even before He came to earth God was already reflecting Him in the ancient Japanese{?} writing you were teaching your precious children about-He's awesome isn't He?).......trust that they may see Jesus' restoring power in the despicable man who learnt that he was worthy of love.......trust that they may be grace conscious and not sin conscious....trust that He will lead them to green pastures and not into evil.......trust that they may know that they are truly forgiven and that they will see that we all-yes even that person who doesn't confess to believe in God-we all reflect Him to the world.......God does not look at what you do to say you are loved and behaving acceptably........you were loved before you were in your mother's womb........instead He looks at Jesus-the only Word that you need to spend time soaking in, surrounding yourself with............seek Him and all those good things you want your children to walk in will be added unto them, effortlessly..........a free gift from the God who looks at Jesus, sees you and says: you. are. not. Despicable. 2. me.......

p.s. i love you, my friend, and i hope that you will know that you are living a radical life with Jesus right where you are.........

the joyful laughter of my little minion princess........priceless

silly monkey minion

i love you mommy..........His Love is reflected everywhere.........open our eyes Lord, we want to see Jesus

He keeps His promises.........

Hey kid, did you think this was the easy life?

Hey kid, you gotta stand up and deliver

Always getting what you want 

You're gonna have to push aside,

They've got you all encircled and there's nowhere you can hide,

Hey kid, did you think this was the easy life?

Thinking about our early childhood years,

Makes me wonder where it went wrong,

Didn't the things we went through make you strong?

No, that ain't the answer this was meant to be…..

Hey kid did you think this was the easy life? 

i penned those words when i was about fifteen, it was a song, so there's more to it but i can't remember it now.......and that book i threw away long ago-throwing away the past........it was a reaction to the reality that was my life at the time.......my brother had gone off to the navy, leaving home for the first time........mom and i were left alone with my dad.......my brother had a break down while in training, he was put in the psych ward at 2 mil hospital under observation.......i remember the helpless feeling i had when i was told that he had been placed in that ward..........not my brother-the one who was always strong and determined to succeed.........my silent, strong fighter was loosing a battle ..........was history repeating itself?.......it's all a blurry memory now so i don't remember all the facts, i think my mom asked for the doctors to do tests to confirm that my brother wasn't bi-polar like my dad, thankfully he wasn't.........i have a faint memory of a letter or conversation with my brother-he was concerned about mom and i being alone with dad.......he wanted to take care of us.......
reality was: he couldn't.........
i had a similar experience happen to me when i finally plucked up the courage to leave home.......being the last to leave i felt like i was abandoning my mom (my parents were separated by this time).......but i knew that if i stayed i would never pluck up the courage to leave, so when a friend asked me to come and live with her i took that first step towards reality.......
when you're in a co-dependent relationship you don't realise it-unless it is pointed out to you......... so when i left home i didn't realise that i was struggling with adapting to the reality that our family life had been anything but normal............and so i crashed.........the scary thing was i felt like i had no-one to talk to.........co-dependents don't talk about their trials, they just try to get on with life denying what they are really feeling.......
it was around about this time when i ended that long term relationship........the only way i felt that i could start life again was to have a new beginning..........i'm so thankful that it wasn't up to me to rebuild my life........Jesus had already begun His work in me, He had been drawing me to Him before I moved out of home...........i know now that it is only because of His love that I am living a normal family life now........
one or two years after leaving home (it's also a little blurry for me), i met my husband to be.......when he asked me to marry him i was petrified-so much so that i returned the ring he had given to me..........but he never walked away...........
i went for counseling over the next few months, our pastor and his wife took me in for the school holidays (such love!)...........the Lord used a few sessions with a psychiatrist to unlock the past for me: I was afraid to commit, afraid to make a decision that I believed would cause me to destroy another person's life..........but God in His Love gave me the courage to realise that it was a decision I had to make for myself, no one else could tell me who to marry, no one else could say i wasn't marriage material (we had done a personality assessment, at a marriage course, after which we were advised that i shouldn't get married-not to Ray-but in general)..........
sometime in the midst of all this i attended a series of talks about restoring the ancient paths........i don't remember much about the talks but someone prayed for me one night, after they had prayed they said they felt that the Lord was saying that the years that the locusts had destroyed would be redeemed to me............

we attended a friend's fortieth this past week-end.........it was a lovely celebration of his life.......two of his friends gave a speech in which they spoke highly of him, commending him for having integrity, loyalty, wisdom and for achieving great things in his life (he is a principal of a school), his wife had sung a humorous song to him about their life together.........during the evening i looked over at my precious husband......he was wearing a sweatshirt which he owned before we got married, shoes which needed fixing and his shaggy, overgrown beard-he had grown out of protest-needed a trim ( i really don't like cutting his hair-so he jokingly told me he wouldn't trim his beard until i cut his hair)...........i wondered if his friends had noticed..........but, for the first time ever, I realised that i didn't really care if they had.......i had been myself at that party, I wasn't ashamed to be myself-to joke about his hairy unkempt beard, or admit that i was a housewife when asked what I was doing, we couldn't chat about the latest additions to our home or share about the exciting new work experiences we were having, but it was great to hear what other's were doing........i was happy for them........it was a good evening......

when we left the party i had been processing what i had experienced.........i couldn't quite put into words what i felt, but i think i said something to ray like: for the first time i wasn't really bothered about what others were sharing about their lives, i don't feel like i'm doing much compared to them, but it's ok........he replied: that's because you're at rest........you don't need to be doing anything now.....
we got to bed late that night, i knew we could sleep in late the next morning as the kids were sleeping over at friends..........but i was woken around six o'clock by a gentle whisper...........i realised what else i had been processing that night: ray will turn 40 soon, he's been trying to decide what to do to celebrate........we don't have a huge group of friends (and that's ok ;-) and at this present moment we don't have money to host a big party..........but if i could stand in front of a crowd of people to celebrate my husband i wouldn't want to speak of the wonderful places we have travelled to or the career which he has persued, asking his friend's to come up with a list of characteristics which they think define him wouldn't tell people about the man that i know.........the man who told me that he would wait for me to love him when i told him that i didn't think i could ever love him the way he needed to be loved..........the man who told me that he saw potential in me to love and that even if he had to wait till we were old for me to love him.......he would wait.........how do you tell a crowd of people that you are proud to be someone's wife because: while the Lord restored, renewed and rebuilt your life, he waited patiently.............how do you tell a crowd of people that for all of the riches in the world, all of the places to journey to, i would rather have a happy family........i would rather be with a man who allowed me to persue the true Lover of my soul so that i could love him the way that Christ has loved me, unconditionally.....what i have found in Christ is priceless and i am so thankful to My Kinsman Redeemer for giving me the blessing of a good man.........
my love, you mean the world to me..........p.s i think i'm ready to cut your hair now


note:  when i read the link to co-dependency it brought me to tears.........so thankful to the Father for His ability to restore.........i can take no credit for my change of heart.... all glory and honour to Him!

Ephesians 2 vs 6-10 And He raised us up together with Him and made us sit down together in the heavenly sphere in Christ Jesus.  He did this that He might clearly demonstrate through the ages to come the immeasurable riches of His free grace in kindness and goodness of heart toward us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by free grace that you are saved through your faith.  And this is not of yourselves, but it is the gift of God;  Not because of works, lest any man should boast.  [It is not the result of what anyone can possibly do, so no one can pride himself in it or take glory to himself.] For we are God's handiwork, recreated in Christ Jesus, that we may do the good works which God predestined for us, that we should walk in them. [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live.]

p.s sorry i'm having font problems.......hope it didn't come out too big/small ;-)