obedience is not a requirement…………it’s a response….

i’ve realized that i was measuring God’s acceptance of me by how He provides for me……..and in turn i believed that my obedience resulted in rewards from Him…….i believed that the good that happened in my life was proof that I am a child of God……

but that is not truth………

and it was not bringing me freedom…………

you can be set free from chains that bind you, but you still need to learn the habit of walking in freedom……..when you walk in freedom that’s when you bear the fruits of freedom………He plants a seed, waters it and it grows………His work, not yours…..

you can receive freedom and still be walking in unbelief in the unlocked areas of your heart…..i find that it’s a process this renewing of your mind…….it takes time…..and that’s ok……

over the past three months i’ve had an underlying feeling of detachment……and i couldn’t pinpoint the reason for it………sometimes it can take a while for me to realize that i have painted myself into a corner by what i believe……..sometimes it can take some time for my eyes to open up to a new truth…..and that’s ok too……..

we’ve paid off our credit card debt……He said we owe Him nothing and i still didn’t get it……even though He was the One to give us the wisdom, to show us what to do to get rid of it…..i was still believing that if i was obedient, if i did what He said, looked after what He gave me…….then i would be rewarded and that those rewards were proof that i am His child………and so when i stretched the money in the bank account to it’s very limit to make it to the end of the month, when the food in the cupboard was running out and I wisely planned meals to eat for the last week of the month……i thought i would be rewarded for my obedience…..for my good stewardship…….we made it through january without using our credit card……we pushed through February, celebrating the kid’s birthdays with money i had earned through work (work He provided) and when the end of march loomed before me i knew it would be another tight squeeze…… i began to feel despondent…….what was wrong? why could we not break free from this cycle of (seemingly) never having enough?

He never leaves you in that corner…….He might just let you get there though for a reason……..you need to come to the end of yourself, trust me it’s better that way…..it’s better to have the lies unveiled and the truth revealed, it’s better to realize that it’s His strength that you can rely on, and not your own……..yes, you can be wise-but that’s a gift from Him anyway-and you can manage well what you own-those were His gift’s too if you really admit the truth…………it is better for Him to come alongside you gently like the Big Daddy He is………the One who just wants you to come to Him for advice, asking Him which is the best path? the best decision to make?………..so when i finally turned to Him, ranting and raving like the child i can be sometimes (i’m still growing in Him, you know?) when i finally dared to ask: why are You not providing all that i need (want)? He whispered I am……..

this is what you need: you need to realize that it wasn’t because of your obedience to follow my wisdom that I paid off your debt, provided you with a new car, gave you extra work……….it was because of His obedience…….it was because He lay down His life obediently that you never need to prove you are obedient to Me…….I give to you not because of your love for Me, but because of My Love for you……..so stop, stop believing that you need to be obedient to be rewarded by Me…….you have already received your reward…..He is seated in heaven…….and all that He is, all that He has is your inheritance……..your crown of glory…….I am your Pappa, come to Me not asking for a yes or no (and by the way, most of the time you’re expecting a no)………come to Me asking for My advice, I want to give it to you…….you have dreams, I want you to live them and I know the best timing for them, I have the best way for them to come about………come to Me and I will carry your burdens……

i know this:God provides!  we’ve walked through (almost) empty cupboards, empty petrol tanks, money running low before month end, a broken down car which drained our supplies and left me without transport for the kids…………and yet we survived because He always provided what we needed in the right timing………going through all of that, i heard Him whisper: you will always have enough……..and there always has been……so I know this time of strengthening has it’s purpose……to break more of those weaker links in the chain of lies that hold me back from walking in the fullness of Christ…….

this is where i am now:in my Pappa’s arms…..resting, knowing, believing that i don’t need to prove anything to receive from Him…….and waiting, patiently (well, sometimes) for Him to reveal more of what i have received in Him………the One who knows my needs before i have even asked for them and has promised to provide without any payment from me……….obedience is not a requirement…….it is a response to His Love poured out to me, because He loved me first and He always knows what’s best for me………Godliness with contentment is my desire…….

when dreams come true...........

if you've been visiting this blog over the past few years you may have read this post : about my little ballerina girl's visit to uct dance school.................

which was later followed by this one after our first night out at the ballet

and a centre stage photograph of an awestruck little ballerina .....

reading over those two posts today has brought tears to my eyes........not only because of the special memories which were shared, but because it is becoming so real to me just how much my Father loves me and wants to fulfill all of my dreams.............three years ago when Jen stood on that stage i thought: one day you could be on that stage as a dancer and not just a member of the audience, i hope that your dreams come true little one.........

in february this year this will be a desire of our hearts (both hers and mine) that the Lord will have choreographed for her........and not only does she get to dance on that stage-like a real ballerina-she also gets the white tutu and tiara she has always dreamt about!  the Lord is so good!!!

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

i am encouraged by this: if my Daddy would go to the ends of the earth to make a little ballerina's dreams come true-down to the very last details!!!!- then i know He will do this for me too.......i believe that the kingdom of heaven and all of it's treasures can be received by all...........Father help me to be child-like in my acceptance of Your Love, let nothing hinder me from coming to You knowing that You know all of the desires of my heart and that You promise to meet my every need!!!

stepping forward into me...........

so last year was the year i discovered that it's ok to be me..........it's ok to be intense, introverted, passionate me............

it's ok to need time to be alone without my kids, without my husband, without friends........

it's ok to want time to read.......walk on the beach alone.......write things down so that i can process them........it's ok to be with just me......

and although being alone is important to me,  i've also discovered that i can never be alone for too long......very soon i will want time with others to share deeply, to pour out what is in my heart, processing what i am going through........

i've learnt that mistakes are not failures, but rather that they are stepping stones.......so i keep moving forward believing that He that is within me is greater than He that is in the world, and i know that i will always be seen as He sees me: an overcomer.........His perfect bride........

and it has been in this alone time..........this season that felt like isolation at first, but turned into freedom from chains that bound me, that i have discovered that freedom comes from daily forgiving and accepting forgiveness.......from daily living in the truth that He came to set me free from laws that had bound me so tightly, from a need to prove my worthiness to others........seeking acceptance from the world has never brought me lasting peace or joy-there has always been something more to prove.........seeking, and finding acceptance from the One that sees me as righteous and crowns me with His (seemingly undeserved) glory has brought me more freedom than the world offers me.........

so i am stepping forward into this new year, trusting that the Prince of Peace goes with me, having discovered that it's ok to be me because being me is more pleasing to Him than when i try to be like others...........having experienced His love, peace, provision, peace and joy like never before in 2013 i am stepping forward and moving with Him as one into this new year..........

2014 i look forward to traveling through you...........for i know that i will never be alone in any storm, valley or mountain top........and where the wind blows, i pray, that by His grace, i will follow.............

(you may not be a katy perry fan.......but this song has me roaring when it comes on the radio ;-)

i'm beginning to discover who I AM.......

(ooooops, not sure what i've done here but this is an old post that just got republished apparently)

around about two years ago i went through a period of trying to figure out what to do as a hobby.....the world was telling me-you're supposed to have interests......something to keep you busy other than your children......you're supposed to know who you are and what you enjoy........i tried pottery and then sewing, thought about starting to dance again but joined a pilates class instead.........but nothing seemed like it was for me........

a year later i joined a craft group with some friends.......every month we'd learn a new craft......what i confirmed about myself was: if something doesn't have a purpose then i didn't really want to do it....so, for example, when i learnt to crochet i had to do something with that skill-make a blanket for jen......what i struggled with the most after these craft evenings was the reality that i didn't have the same enthusiasm for crafting as my friends........i wasn't the same........it wasn't that i couldn't do those things:i could........i just didn't want to......

the comparison game is a killer.........you feel like you don't fit in, like you're not good enough......not the mom, wife or woman you're supposed to be.........

i used to fall into the comparison trap often.........

the Lord had starting highlighting this fact for me (again) as we were going through the transition from home schooling to schooling........He is a great farmer-pulling out the biggest weeds which want to choke the life out of us, allowing the true seeds to grow so that we can reap a good harvest.........for me the biggest weed was: i'm.not.good.enough.

He showed me how, as a teacher, i had never believed in my ability to be a good teacher.......i was always asking others: what do you use? how do you teach that? when i was grade head i thought that if i wasn't teaching the same as my colleagues then i wouldn't be teaching my class as well as them......at both of my teaching posts i taught with two very experienced teacher's.......the last of which was the most challenging........i was the young one with five years of teaching experience trying to lead a creative out-of-the-box-teacher with twenty plus years experience and my phase head.......i was the grade head who found her security in doing things by the book to feel successful in her teaching........we were a ticking time bomb and i felt like i bore the brunt of it in year end evaluations............it was only in my last year that i realised the only way to lead was to combine our strengths to overcome our individual weaknesses........by the end of my five years there i had finally come to realise that we were all individuals doing the same work in our own way producing good results.........apparently they must have thought that too....in my final year i was selected as one of the top teachers on the staff.............but i didn't believe it.........

when jen started at school it was like starting our lives all over again.......both our kids had grown up in the home school community........barring one other family at fellowship-all of their friends were home schoolers.......one of the first things i noticed was: we're on our own and the comparison game wasn't being played.........i had no-one to compare myself to.........school moms don't often stand around chatting about how to parent or school their children at the end of the day........and it was going to take some time to make friends.......

in the last year of having the kids at home with me i had also learnt that there were questions to avoid if you wanted to stop playing the comparison game: how do you do that? what would you do? what do you use? these were all questions that set me up either as the one that felt good as a parent/mom/wife or resulted in me feeling like a failure in those very same areas.........

the Lord is good-i have no doubt about that-when He removes weeds of unbelief, He plants new seeds of truth and if we allow Him to water those seeds, if we believe the truth about ourselves we'll find ourselves growing stronger........

it felt like i had no-one else to lean on or share my experiences with in those early days of jen going to school........i kept on reminding myself that the Father had promised to lead us on paths of righteousness, that He had promised that He would never leave us and He hasn't..........i could tell you of the many times that He has met our needs, how He has comforted and given wisdom........i could tell you about the times i doubted what we were doing and wrestled with Him for answers........but what i really want to tell you today is how He has set me free from the comparison game to begin discovering who I AM........

late one night i sat listening to a teaching by bertie britz........he's a south african believer who has an amazing revelation of God's love and purpose for our lives.........i'm not even sure now which teaching it was, but i know the effect it had on me.......over all of those years when the Father had been drawing me closer, trying to show me who He was, i had been believing a lie..........i believed that i was a christian because i had chosen to follow Jesus...........i believed that i had chosen to follow Him and therefore that i loved Him.......but i didn't believe that He loved me............that night He told me that He had been planting seeds all of my life........sometimes I chose to believe them and His Spirit could water them and help them to grow.........but most of the time i let the world tell me what to believe about myself and those weeds would often grow up and throttle the truth that He had revealed to me..........He told me that all of my life He had loved me-thought of me and desired me even before i was knit together in my mother's womb.............all my life He had persued me, He thought that i would make a perfect bride for Him..........all that He was asking was for me to believe that He loves me..........when i realised that it wasn't because i had chosen to follow Him, but rather that all i needed to do was to believe that He loves me....when i realised that truth, He whispered: if you can believe that i love you just the way you are, that is all i want from you...........now we can become one........bride and bridegroom......you don't need to be a follower, walk beside me and just believe..........

pretty soon after that experience i made the decision to put jen into school...........walking down that path, which i had thought i wouldn't take, i knew that i could trust My Father to be with me.......i knew Jesus was with me and that He had chosen me as His bride.........i feel like now is the time to learn about what He has put within me.......His Spirit........often, in the past two years, it felt like i was giving up who i was but when i finally stopped wrestling i would see that He was just trying to show me who He was.......My Protector, My Wisdom, My Provider, My Shepherd, My Best Friend.........He was showing me just how much He loves me.........that night, almost two years ago, He had planted the seed of truth in my heart and ever since He has been watering it and growing my knowledge of His love for me......

i've realised now that i was in a place of isolation for good reasons.........a place where the opportunity for comparison didn't arise as often as before.............a place where i could really begin to discover who I AM and to grow strong in Him........once i had believed that the Father loved me just as i am i could begin to trust Him more too.........so when things around me look like they don't make sense, i'm trusting that He is control and that He knows what He is doing..........after all He's had me in His thoughts since the beginning of time.....

i love to be out in creation with my family, climbing mountains together.....

reaching the highest points seems tough sometimes..........

but i thoroughly enjoy the views from the top of the mountains we have overcome, together

shifting gears.............

my first car was a manual (gear-stick)…….i bought it straight out of the box with money i had earned from my first teaching post………i was proud of my little white mazda midge, she wasn’t fancy, but she was mine and i had worked hard for her……

when i married ray he owned a bmw……..although i loved having him drive me around i wasn’t a fancy car person and i wasn’t really keen on driving it…….my thought process at the time was: give me a car which i can feel that i am in control of –when i turned the steering wheel it felt like i knew exactly where it was going to…..so i drove my car and he drove his…….

before mike was born ray traded in his manual bmw for an automatic……..and i still didn’t want to drive it………it was big and if i drove something that was an automatic with power steering i was definitely not going to feel like i was in control of that car!

and then my mazda midge was stolen………and insurance wouldn’t pay out because, well, i couldn’t lie…….i had parked it outside the hairdresser and my porridge brain couldn’t quite remember if i had locked the doors or not…….so the law-abiding christian that i was believed that i had to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God…….mr. insurance man, i really can’t tell you if i locked those doors or not……..i believed i was doing the right thing.....

in the Father’s infinite grace and mercy He provided us with a new car-we couldn’t pay for it though-ray’s father covered the costs…….

i’ll be honest with you, it was not my favourite car, but i was thankful for it……..it was an opel and it felt like it had the heaviest steering-wheel in the history of all cars……when you turned the wheel it felt like you were moving a mountain……..for the first time ever i was not enjoying being in control of my car.........

ray offered for me to drive the bmw and i will admit, that i hesitated……..me, drive an automatic? i’ve never done that before!!!!  but i eventually gave in and learnt how to drive an automatic…….and i even discovered that having to drive a car which didn’t need me to change the gears was actually quite a liberating drive………and the best part about an automatic? it’s absolutely awesome to do hill starts in (no hand-break and clutch control needed!!!).....rolling back on those fish hoek hills was not part of my nightmares anymore!

and then God stepped in……..we were doing some building work on our home and the builder offered us cash for the opel…….we hadn’t even mentioned to him about selling it…….ray had been considering buying a motorbike but he hadn’t made a decision yet…….however, we felt it was what we should do……..so we stepped out in faith, believing it was the Lord’s will….we sold the opel, leaving us with only an automatic again.......

so there i was learning to drive an automatic and eventually learning to love it!!! (shhhh, don’t tell ray ok?!)

fast forward a few years, the bmw was starting to give us lots of trouble……the air conditioner broke, the radio wasn’t working, the electronics of the car was starting to give up…….and then about a year ago ray was driving home from fellowship and the differential housing fell apart, literally leaving the nuts and bolts of the car lying in the road like in one of those old cartoons where you see the car falling apart and the nuts and bolts go flying everywhere………we were unable to drive the car……at that time fixing the car would cost us less than buying a new one………we were heavily in debt already and couldn’t possibly see our way to purchasing a new car………at that point in time we were on a very new learning curve of  how our Father wants to provide for us, although we weren’t ready to go forward in faith to buy a new car, what i did feel was peace about the fact that i didn’t need to worry about how i would get the kids to school on Monday, or the following week for that matter-i had felt the Lord say that that would be taken care of, and it was! He led us gently by the hand…….baby steps ;-)

over the past two years, through His gentle guidance, Our Father has led us to get rid of the debt we were in (i hope to share that story with you one day)……..but we thought we were still in no position to purchase a new car………but God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways are not our ways as today i can joyfully shout to the world: our God provides way beyond my dreams!!! we have a new car! and it’s not an  automatic, but it's pretty fancy!……a car which suits me perfectly for this new season i am entering into: i have learnt that to be in absolute control of my life, living by laws and not by grace does not bring freedom……in fact it leads to enslavement to proving that i am worthy by what i do and not because of what, or rather who, i believe in……..i have learnt that His Spirit is within me, automatically leading me, even when the world around me is encouraging me to drive through life at top speed trying to get to a destination of accomplishment i can rest in knowing that He is in control……….and now? now i feel like He is saying: you know I AM within you, you know that you are in Me, all the power you need to live this life in peace, joy and love is within you……..we are one, in unity: you are free to be you, where you move I move, when I move you move……..in Him we live and move and have our being………..i'm even learning that those hill starts when i have to use the hand break are not so bad after all-with Him in me i can overcome mountains and this is the time for learning how!!!