when dreams come true...........

if you've been visiting this blog over the past few years you may have read this post : about my little ballerina girl's visit to uct dance school.................

which was later followed by this one after our first night out at the ballet

and a centre stage photograph of an awestruck little ballerina .....

reading over those two posts today has brought tears to my eyes........not only because of the special memories which were shared, but because it is becoming so real to me just how much my Father loves me and wants to fulfill all of my dreams.............three years ago when Jen stood on that stage i thought: one day you could be on that stage as a dancer and not just a member of the audience, i hope that your dreams come true little one.........

in february this year this will be a desire of our hearts (both hers and mine) that the Lord will have choreographed for her........and not only does she get to dance on that stage-like a real ballerina-she also gets the white tutu and tiara she has always dreamt about!  the Lord is so good!!!

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

i am encouraged by this: if my Daddy would go to the ends of the earth to make a little ballerina's dreams come true-down to the very last details!!!!- then i know He will do this for me too.......i believe that the kingdom of heaven and all of it's treasures can be received by all...........Father help me to be child-like in my acceptance of Your Love, let nothing hinder me from coming to You knowing that You know all of the desires of my heart and that You promise to meet my every need!!!

stepping forward into me...........

so last year was the year i discovered that it's ok to be me..........it's ok to be intense, introverted, passionate me............

it's ok to need time to be alone without my kids, without my husband, without friends........

it's ok to want time to read.......walk on the beach alone.......write things down so that i can process them........it's ok to be with just me......

and although being alone is important to me,  i've also discovered that i can never be alone for too long......very soon i will want time with others to share deeply, to pour out what is in my heart, processing what i am going through........

i've learnt that mistakes are not failures, but rather that they are stepping stones.......so i keep moving forward believing that He that is within me is greater than He that is in the world, and i know that i will always be seen as He sees me: an overcomer.........His perfect bride........

and it has been in this alone time..........this season that felt like isolation at first, but turned into freedom from chains that bound me, that i have discovered that freedom comes from daily forgiving and accepting forgiveness.......from daily living in the truth that He came to set me free from laws that had bound me so tightly, from a need to prove my worthiness to others........seeking acceptance from the world has never brought me lasting peace or joy-there has always been something more to prove.........seeking, and finding acceptance from the One that sees me as righteous and crowns me with His (seemingly undeserved) glory has brought me more freedom than the world offers me.........

so i am stepping forward into this new year, trusting that the Prince of Peace goes with me, having discovered that it's ok to be me because being me is more pleasing to Him than when i try to be like others...........having experienced His love, peace, provision, peace and joy like never before in 2013 i am stepping forward and moving with Him as one into this new year..........

2014 i look forward to traveling through you...........for i know that i will never be alone in any storm, valley or mountain top........and where the wind blows, i pray, that by His grace, i will follow.............

(you may not be a katy perry fan.......but this song has me roaring when it comes on the radio ;-)

shifting gears.............

my first car was a manual (gear-stick)…….i bought it straight out of the box with money i had earned from my first teaching post………i was proud of my little white mazda midge, she wasn’t fancy, but she was mine and i had worked hard for her……

when i married ray he owned a bmw……..although i loved having him drive me around i wasn’t a fancy car person and i wasn’t really keen on driving it…….my thought process at the time was: give me a car which i can feel that i am in control of –when i turned the steering wheel it felt like i knew exactly where it was going to…..so i drove my car and he drove his…….

before mike was born ray traded in his manual bmw for an automatic……..and i still didn’t want to drive it………it was big and if i drove something that was an automatic with power steering i was definitely not going to feel like i was in control of that car!

and then my mazda midge was stolen………and insurance wouldn’t pay out because, well, i couldn’t lie…….i had parked it outside the hairdresser and my porridge brain couldn’t quite remember if i had locked the doors or not…….so the law-abiding christian that i was believed that i had to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God…….mr. insurance man, i really can’t tell you if i locked those doors or not……..i believed i was doing the right thing.....

in the Father’s infinite grace and mercy He provided us with a new car-we couldn’t pay for it though-ray’s father covered the costs…….

i’ll be honest with you, it was not my favourite car, but i was thankful for it……..it was an opel and it felt like it had the heaviest steering-wheel in the history of all cars……when you turned the wheel it felt like you were moving a mountain……..for the first time ever i was not enjoying being in control of my car.........

ray offered for me to drive the bmw and i will admit, that i hesitated……..me, drive an automatic? i’ve never done that before!!!!  but i eventually gave in and learnt how to drive an automatic…….and i even discovered that having to drive a car which didn’t need me to change the gears was actually quite a liberating drive………and the best part about an automatic? it’s absolutely awesome to do hill starts in (no hand-break and clutch control needed!!!).....rolling back on those fish hoek hills was not part of my nightmares anymore!

and then God stepped in……..we were doing some building work on our home and the builder offered us cash for the opel…….we hadn’t even mentioned to him about selling it…….ray had been considering buying a motorbike but he hadn’t made a decision yet…….however, we felt it was what we should do……..so we stepped out in faith, believing it was the Lord’s will….we sold the opel, leaving us with only an automatic again.......

so there i was learning to drive an automatic and eventually learning to love it!!! (shhhh, don’t tell ray ok?!)

fast forward a few years, the bmw was starting to give us lots of trouble……the air conditioner broke, the radio wasn’t working, the electronics of the car was starting to give up…….and then about a year ago ray was driving home from fellowship and the differential housing fell apart, literally leaving the nuts and bolts of the car lying in the road like in one of those old cartoons where you see the car falling apart and the nuts and bolts go flying everywhere………we were unable to drive the car……at that time fixing the car would cost us less than buying a new one………we were heavily in debt already and couldn’t possibly see our way to purchasing a new car………at that point in time we were on a very new learning curve of  how our Father wants to provide for us, although we weren’t ready to go forward in faith to buy a new car, what i did feel was peace about the fact that i didn’t need to worry about how i would get the kids to school on Monday, or the following week for that matter-i had felt the Lord say that that would be taken care of, and it was! He led us gently by the hand…….baby steps ;-)

over the past two years, through His gentle guidance, Our Father has led us to get rid of the debt we were in (i hope to share that story with you one day)……..but we thought we were still in no position to purchase a new car………but God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways are not our ways as today i can joyfully shout to the world: our God provides way beyond my dreams!!! we have a new car! and it’s not an  automatic, but it's pretty fancy!……a car which suits me perfectly for this new season i am entering into: i have learnt that to be in absolute control of my life, living by laws and not by grace does not bring freedom……in fact it leads to enslavement to proving that i am worthy by what i do and not because of what, or rather who, i believe in……..i have learnt that His Spirit is within me, automatically leading me, even when the world around me is encouraging me to drive through life at top speed trying to get to a destination of accomplishment i can rest in knowing that He is in control……….and now? now i feel like He is saying: you know I AM within you, you know that you are in Me, all the power you need to live this life in peace, joy and love is within you……..we are one, in unity: you are free to be you, where you move I move, when I move you move……..in Him we live and move and have our being………..i'm even learning that those hill starts when i have to use the hand break are not so bad after all-with Him in me i can overcome mountains and this is the time for learning how!!!

when you look into the mirror of liberty...............

i was standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth............having just returned from an evening out with a few ladies from our fellowship, i was getting ready for bed..........there were words swirling around in my head, words which another woman had shared that night..........

"i've realised that it's ok to admit that i am crap........i can't do anything on my own, and that's ok!"

i stared into the basin unable to raise my head to look into the mirror above........

i.am.crap.

but *i* wasn't ok with it...........in fact i was so far from being ok with it that i couldn't raise my eyes to look into the mirror at the tears running down my face, to see the reflection of the person who would be looking back at me..........i didn't want to see her face, didn't want to admit that i didn't like what i saw there, i didn't like the person she was.......

and then there was a gentle whisper in my Spirit: look up, look into the Mirror, you may not love what you see, but I do..............

it's been a few years since that night and i think i finally get it!

when Jesus said He loved that person in the mirror, the one who felt she was messing up everything and totally unable to fix any of the mess i was creating, when He whispered that He loved me even if I didn't love myself, a door opened in my heart, a corner of the veil was lifted from my eyes and slowly He started to show me just how much He loves me.............

you see when i chose to become a christian i made it about a set of rules on how to behave..........and if i just got that right then i'd be a good mom, wife, person.........i had been trying so hard to fix myself from my past, to change how i behaved in the present that i had missed the point.........it was never about me choosing to follow Him, it had always been about Him choosing to love me first........when He revealed that truth to me, that was when i finally became a believer........

when i believed that truth, then He was given access into my temple and His Spirit, which was within me, was awakened when He called out: take off the grave clothes, arise and come out of the tomb...........come live this Life with me............

deep down inside what i was really struggling with was that i didn't really know who i was and what i was created for..........and i so desperately wanted to feel like i was good enough, like i was doing a good job, that i was accepted.......when He revealed that it was never because of my love for Him that i was accepted but it was always about His love for me that i am seen as perfected He whispered: if you want to know who you are, find out who I AM..........you are a perfect reflection of Me!

and so i looked into the Mirror of liberty and what i am discovering daily is: He really did come to set me free..........He really did come so that i could experience eternal life and He really wants me to live life abundantly!!!!

knowing that Jesus died for my sins is the tip of the ice-berg..........He didn't just come to die for me, He came to show me Life and what it means to live in a relationship with my Creator.........He came to share His life with me, to live in relationship with me daily...........He wants to be with me!  He wants me to experience the Life that He experiences............and He expects nothing in return.....not.one.thing.

my sins are not always the things i do, in fact most of the time sin is what i believe...........so when He said: find out who I AM, He began to reveal Himself to me more, He began to show me what He really has done for me..........and more and more my thoughts about Him began to be renewed.........He hadn't just come to die for me so that I could be forgiven for all that i had ever done wrong, He had come to set me free from how i believed i had to live..........which resulted in me making unwise choices...........choices which stole my joy, my peace, my love and which meant that i couldn't truly experience the life He had destined for me to live..........a life with Him in me experiencing His life lived through me:unity.......we are one, i live and move and have my being in Him and Him in me.........

so this started a whole series of questions for me.........questions like this:if i am like You, because You died so that i could live the life that You live, then surely that means i should be experiencing all You experience?  yes, My bride when we became one then you received all that I AM, now learn to walk with Me in you.........let me show you what My freedom really is...........it was never meant to be a burden to you, you were never meant to carry My load nor do My work for Me..........I came to serve You, receive what i have laid out for you.........come, sit down, rest, I have done all that needed to be done, My kingdom is established in you, let me show you how to live this life in Me...........ask and you will receive, just believe........you are seated at the right hand of the Father, like Me........you are a daughter in His kingdom, all that I have received you have too-this is your inheritance which has been given to you freely.........you don't need to prove you deserve it by sacrificing to Me, you have been completely forgiven.........you don't need to prove you earned it by doing for Me.........all that I want is to share my life with you........when I said it is finished it really was.......My kingdom does not need to be built by you, I have finished it all........come and enjoy it with Me.....

James 1 vs 23-25 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of man he was.  But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.

i am learning that if i don't look into the face of Jesus when i am faced with the trials in this world, i can easily forget who the Father says i am.............. i may have heard the Word speaking of His love for me but if i let the thoughts in my mind drown out the truth that He says about me, i can easily forget who I am in Him...........when i look intently at the perfect law: all that i need to do is to believe in Jesus, then what i see in the mirror reflected back at me is the freedom to experience His life, fully blessed by the Father in all that i do...........

there are times when i feel that the Lord is teaching me something about Himself and i think: oh boy, if i told any one this they'd think i'm crazy..........but i'm definitely not the first to have these  revelations : listen to this sermon........it will bless you.......and then maybe you'll agree i'm not the only crazy one ;-)