if you've been visiting this blog over the past few years you may have read this post : about my little ballerina girl's visit to uct dance school.................
which was later followed by this one after our first night out at the ballet
and a centre stage photograph of an awestruck little ballerina .....
reading over those two posts today has brought tears to my eyes........not only because of the special memories which were shared, but because it is becoming so real to me just how much my Father loves me and wants to fulfill all of my dreams.............three years ago when Jen stood on that stage i thought: one day you could be on that stage as a dancer and not just a member of the audience, i hope that your dreams come true little one.........
in february this year this will be a desire of our hearts (both hers and mine) that the Lord will have choreographed for her........and not only does she get to dance on that stage-like a real ballerina-she also gets thewhite tutu and tiara she has always dreamt about! the Lord is so good!!!
Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
i am encouraged by this: if my Daddy would go to the ends of the earth to make a little ballerina's dreams come true-down to the very last details!!!!- then i know He will do this for me too.......i believe that the kingdom of heaven and all of it's treasures can be received by all...........Father help me to be child-like in my acceptance of Your Love, let nothing hinder me from coming to You knowing that You know all of the desires of my heart and that You promise to meet my every need!!!
(ooooops, not sure what i've done here but this is an old post that just got republished apparently)
around about two years ago i went through a period of trying to figure out what to do as a hobby.....the world was telling me-you're supposed to have interests......something to keep you busy other than your children......you're supposed to know who you are and what you enjoy........i tried pottery and then sewing, thought about starting to dance again but joined a pilates class instead.........but nothing seemed like it was for me........
a year later i joined a craft group with some friends.......every month we'd learn a new craft......what i confirmed about myself was: if something doesn't have a purpose then i didn't really want to do it....so, for example, when i learnt to crochet i had to do something with that skill-make a blanket for jen......what i struggled with the most after these craft evenings was the reality that i didn't have the same enthusiasm for crafting as my friends........i wasn't the same........it wasn't that i couldn't do those things:i could........i just didn't want to......
the comparison game is a killer.........you feel like you don't fit in, like you're not good enough......not the mom, wife or woman you're supposed to be.........
i used to fall into the comparison trap often.........
the Lord had starting highlighting this fact for me (again) as we were going through the transition from home schooling to schooling........He is a great farmer-pulling out the biggest weeds which want to choke the life out of us, allowing the true seeds to grow so that we can reap a good harvest.........for me the biggest weed was: i'm.not.good.enough.
He showed me how, as a teacher, i had never believed in my ability to be a good teacher.......i was always asking others: what do you use? how do you teach that? when i was grade head i thought that if i wasn't teaching the same as my colleagues then i wouldn't be teaching my class as well as them......at both of my teaching posts i taught with two very experienced teacher's.......the last of which was the most challenging........i was the young one with five years of teaching experience trying to lead a creative out-of-the-box-teacher with twenty plus years experience and my phase head.......i was the grade head who found her security in doing things by the book to feel successful in her teaching........we were a ticking time bomb and i felt like i bore the brunt of it in year end evaluations............it was only in my last year that i realised the only way to lead was to combine our strengths to overcome our individual weaknesses........by the end of my five years there i had finally come to realise that we were all individuals doing the same work in our own way producing good results.........apparently they must have thought that too....in my final year i was selected as one of the top teachers on the staff.............but i didn't believe it.........
when jen started at school it was like starting our lives all over again.......both our kids had grown up in the home school community........barring one other family at fellowship-all of their friends were home schoolers.......one of the first things i noticed was: we're on our own and the comparison game wasn't being played.........i had no-one to compare myself to.........school moms don't often stand around chatting about how to parent or school their children at the end of the day........and it was going to take some time to make friends.......
in the last year of having the kids at home with me i had also learnt that there were questions to avoid if you wanted to stop playing the comparison game: how do you do that? what would you do? what do you use? these were all questions that set me up either as the one that felt good as a parent/mom/wife or resulted in me feeling like a failure in those very same areas.........
the Lord is good-i have no doubt about that-when He removes weeds of unbelief, He plants new seeds of truth and if we allow Him to water those seeds, if we believe the truth about ourselves we'll find ourselves growing stronger........
it felt like i had no-one else to lean on or share my experiences with in those early days of jen going to school........i kept on reminding myself that the Father had promised to lead us on paths of righteousness, that He had promised that He would never leave us and He hasn't..........i could tell you of the many times that He has met our needs, how He has comforted and given wisdom........i could tell you about the times i doubted what we were doing and wrestled with Him for answers........but what i really want to tell you today is how He has set me free from the comparison game to begin discovering who I AM........
late one night i sat listening to a teaching by bertie britz........he's a south african believer who has an amazing revelation of God's love and purpose for our lives.........i'm not even sure now which teaching it was, but i know the effect it had on me.......over all of those years when the Father had been drawing me closer, trying to show me who He was, i had been believing a lie..........i believed that i was a christian because i had chosen to follow Jesus...........i believed that i had chosen to follow Him and therefore that i loved Him.......but i didn't believe that He loved me............that night He told me that He had been planting seeds all of my life........sometimes I chose to believe them and His Spirit could water them and help them to grow.........but most of the time i let the world tell me what to believe about myself and those weeds would often grow up and throttle the truth that He had revealed to me..........He told me that all of my life He had loved me-thought of me and desired me even before i was knit together in my mother's womb.............all my life He had persued me, He thought that i would make a perfect bride for Him..........all that He was asking was for me to believe that He loves me..........when i realised that it wasn't because i had chosen to follow Him, but rather that all i needed to do was to believe that He loves me....when i realised that truth, He whispered: if you can believe that i love you just the way you are, that is all i want from you...........now we can become one........bride and bridegroom......you don't need to be a follower, walk beside me and just believe..........
pretty soon after that experience i made the decision to put jen into school...........walking down that path, which i had thought i wouldn't take, i knew that i could trust My Father to be with me.......i knew Jesus was with me and that He had chosen me as His bride.........i feel like now is the time to learn about what He has put within me.......His Spirit........often, in the past two years, it felt like i was giving up who i was but when i finally stopped wrestling i would see that He was just trying to show me who He was.......My Protector, My Wisdom, My Provider, My Shepherd, My Best Friend.........He was showing me just how much He loves me.........that night, almost two years ago, He had planted the seed of truth in my heart and ever since He has been watering it and growing my knowledge of His love for me......
i've realised now that i was in a place of isolation for good reasons.........a place where the opportunity for comparison didn't arise as often as before.............a place where i could really begin to discover who I AM and to grow strong in Him........once i had believed that the Father loved me just as i am i could begin to trust Him more too.........so when things around me look like they don't make sense, i'm trusting that He is control and that He knows what He is doing..........after all He's had me in His thoughts since the beginning of time.....
i love to be out in creation with my family, climbing mountains together.....
reaching the highest points seems tough sometimes..........
but i thoroughly enjoy the views from the top of the mountains we have overcome, together
i was standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth............having just returned from an evening out with a few ladies from our fellowship, i was getting ready for bed..........there were words swirling around in my head, words which another woman had shared that night..........
"i've realised that it's ok to admit that i am crap........i can't do anything on my own, and that's ok!"
i stared into the basin unable to raise my head to look into the mirror above........
i.am.crap.
but *i* wasn't ok with it...........in fact i was so far from being ok with it that i couldn't raise my eyes to look into the mirror at the tears running down my face, to see the reflection of the person who would be looking back at me..........i didn't want to see her face, didn't want to admit that i didn't like what i saw there, i didn't like the person she was.......
and then there was a gentle whisper in my Spirit: look up, look into the Mirror, you may not love what you see, but I do..............
it's been a few years since that night and i think i finally get it!
when Jesus said He loved that person in the mirror, the one who felt she was messing up everything and totally unable to fix any of the mess i was creating, when He whispered that He loved me even if I didn't love myself, a door opened in my heart, a corner of the veil was lifted from my eyes and slowly He started to show me just how much He loves me.............
you see when i choseto become a christian i made it about a set of rules on how to behave..........and if i just got that right then i'd be a good mom, wife, person.........i had been trying so hard to fix myself from my past, to change how i behaved in the present that i had missed the point.........it was never about me choosing to follow Him, it had always been about Him choosing to love me first........when He revealed that truth to me, that was when i finally became a believer........
when i believed that truth, then He was given access into my temple and His Spirit, which was within me, was awakened when He called out: take off the grave clothes, arise and come out of the tomb...........come live this Life with me............
deep down inside what i was really struggling with was that i didn't really know who i was and what i was created for..........and i so desperately wanted to feel like i was good enough, like i was doing a good job, that i was accepted.......when He revealed that it was never because of my love for Him that i was accepted but it was always about His love for me that i am seen as perfected He whispered: if you want to know who you are, find out who I AM..........you are a perfect reflection of Me!
and so i looked into the Mirror of liberty and what i am discovering daily is: He really did come to set me free..........He really did come so that i could experience eternal life and He really wants me to live life abundantly!!!!
knowing that Jesus died for my sins is the tip of the ice-berg..........He didn't just come to die for me, He came to show me Life and what it means to live in a relationship with my Creator.........He came to share His life with me, to live in relationship with me daily...........He wants to be with me! He wants me to experience the Life that He experiences............and He expects nothing in return.....not.one.thing.
my sins are not always the things i do, in fact most of the time sin is what i believe...........so when He said: find out who I AM, He began to reveal Himself to me more, He began to show me what He really has done for me..........and more and more my thoughts about Him began to be renewed.........He hadn't just come to die for me so that I could be forgiven for all that i had ever done wrong, He had come to set me free from how i believed i had to live..........which resulted in me making unwise choices...........choices which stole my joy, my peace, my love and which meant that i couldn't truly experience the life He had destined for me to live..........a life with Him in me experiencing His life lived through me:unity.......we are one, i live and move and have my being in Him and Him in me.........
so this started a whole series of questions for me.........questions like this:if i am like You, because You died so that i could live the life that You live, then surely that means i should be experiencing all You experience? yes, My bride when we became one then you received all that I AM, now learn to walk with Me in you.........let me show you what My freedom really is...........it was never meant to be a burden to you, you were never meant to carry My load nor do My work for Me..........I came to serve You, receive what i have laid out for you.........come, sit down, rest, I have done all that needed to be done, My kingdom is established in you, let me show you how to live this life in Me...........ask and you will receive, just believe........you are seated at the right hand of the Father, like Me........you are a daughter in His kingdom, all that I have received you have too-this is your inheritance which has been given to you freely.........you don't need to prove you deserve it by sacrificing to Me, you have been completely forgiven.........you don't need to prove you earned it by doing for Me.........all that I want is to share my life with you........when I said it is finished it really was.......My kingdom does not need to be built by you, I have finished it all........come and enjoy it with Me.....
James 1 vs 23-25 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of man he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.
i am learning that if i don't look into the face of Jesus when i am faced with the trials in this world, i can easily forget who the Father says i am.............. i may have heard the Word speaking of His love for me but if i let the thoughts in my mind drown out the truth that He says about me, i can easily forget who I am in Him...........when i look intently at the perfect law: all that i need to do is to believe in Jesus, then what i see in the mirror reflected back at me is the freedom to experience His life, fully blessed by the Father in all that i do...........
there are times when i feel that the Lord is teaching me something about Himself and i think: oh boy, if i told any one this they'd think i'm crazy..........but i'm definitely not the first to have these revelations : listen to this sermon........it will bless you.......and then maybe you'll agree i'm not the only crazy one ;-)
the sun is beginning to rise earlier here in our corner of the world........the promise that winter is finally coming to an end.......i'm not a winter person-i'll take hot summer days over the cold winter nights anytime........but i can see why we have seasons.....there's a time for everything in our lives.........
i started running again around the beginning of the year, and i really enjoyed it, i even ran in a 5km fun run! but the winter rains have destroyed my running schedule-i am not that committed...yet!.......some mornings i get up and don my running gear, if i can't hear rain on the roof and the clouds look like they will not carry rain for the day.......... i've gotta have hope haven't i?!?..........but alas my takkies haven't hit the road much over the last three months!!!!
so when the urge for being outdoors hits, and i just can't take another day indoors i usually wrap up warmly and go for a walk on the beach.....there have been some gaps between the rainfalls ;-)
sometimes i find mondays i need that walk the most.........it's a culmination of a few things: a sunday indoors with the kids ;-) a monday that arrives and takes my precious family off to their places of being, a sunday of fellowship where you just wish the time spent together would never end because it's just so good to be in Love.........but mostly it's because i need time alone with my bestest of friends.........
so this morning when the sun rose earlier and there were no clouds in the sky i made a date with my old Friend, i dressed up warmly-there is still an icy wind-dropped the kiddies off at school, with love and kisses, and raced to the beach.............
it.was.beautiful.........why didn't i take the camera?!?!
as i walked along, basking in the Son, i breathed in the beauty that surrounded me.........sun bright in the sky, cool wind on my face, waves gently crashing on the sand, Light reflected on the sea..........
although i love these times alone my heart was longing to have someone there to share with and talk to......my heart was singing and i wanted to share it....so i asked for someone to come along that i could chat to...........as i continued to walk along i watched the dogs walking on the beach and thought of a friend who recently left our shores to start a new exciting adventure........i just know her dogs would have loved that walk........but there is a time for everything in life........they lived and enjoyed Life here.......and they will enjoy Life in their new destination too!............other friends filled my thoughts too, they're also about to travel..........a time of fun lies ahead for them, a time of strengthening too.......i am so excited to see where the Lord leads them to.........
i reached the river near the end of the beach and couldn't go any further........it.was.so.wide...........no jumping over today!.........as the river entered the sea it divided........one part was wide and the other narrower...........the River is flowing wide and deep, it is time to jump in...........you can flow with it into the sea in the narrow stream or the wide.........it is your choice to make.........will you let the River lead you?
All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
i turned around and continued on my walk........Joy, oh sweet Joy, filled my soul and strengthened my Spirit.......i wanted to sing and shout and dance........but hey! i was on the beach!! so i resorted to singing in my head..........it was a song which my sweet jenny had listened to on sunday (on dad's hi-jacked phone this time! my kids have just discovered the technology we have and they are spending every possible minute on them-i can't hide the Truth from them), at bedtime jen had told me she just couldn't get the song out of her head.........like a rose, trampled on the ground, He took the fall and thought of me above all...........eventually i was singing it out loud while walking on the beach, well, loud enough for that old man to look at me as i walked past him...........crazy woman!!!
after spending some time on my own at the far end of the beach, sitting on the rocks-you don't feel like a crazy woman when you're sitting on a Rock...........it doesn't matter who is watching actually........i began the walk back to my car......and He whispered this to me: you are not naked anymore, you are crowned with My glory and you wear the robe of righteousness.....
seconds after having this revelation i bumped into an "old" friend with her husband and beautiful daughter...........i was so happy to see her......couldn't believe she was standing there right in front of me..........i'd seen on facebook that she was coming out to visit with her family and i had wondered if i would meet up with them.........actually, I had asked the Lord if He would make a way for me to see her.........there was something i wanted to tell her...........we walked and chatted and caught up on the goings on of our lives........and then we parted.........climbing into my car i realised that i hadn't said what i'd wanted to say to her..........so i got back out and told them what was on my heart: i am so stoked you guys got married......i remember the questions you had when you were dating.........their smiles were priceless!!!
when i got back into the car i remembered what i had asked the Lord for while i walked along the beach.......a friend to chat to............You are an awesome God..........You thought of me above all!
Proverbs16 vs 18 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
i woke up that saturday morning with a norah jones song in my head.......you humble me Lord, you humble me Lord, so please, please, please forgive me..........i knew i had done wrong and there was nothing i could do to take it back......it was done........
as i lay in bed my Daddy spoke gentle words to me..........He took me back to a grade one classroom, to a beautiful little heart i'd taught.......she believed in fairies........and i told her i didn't...... in front of a classroom of her friends........i saw her little face change from joy to disbelief........a relationship broken-from that moment on it felt like i could never reach that little girl's heart again........over the years i have thought of that precious little soul and wondered if she knows the Love of Jesus who accepts her no matter what she believes..........but My God, in His love and mercy, said to me that morning: she is in the palm of My hand, I will draw her near to mein My time........you are forgiven........
then He took me to another time.......i was standing in the school passage with a teacher, she was trying to uncover the truth to an incident which had happened........i had been the one to "solve" the mystery by sharing what a friend had confessed to me in private.......she had done something and we would all be punished for it if the culprit wasn't found out.........i spoke the truth........but they wouldn't believe me because my friend had told them she was being wrongly accused.....they believed her and not me....i stood and listened as i was told that i was a liar and there was nothing that i could do to defend myself.........they would not believe me.......
by God's grace ten years later we both sat in a music class (at college) together and for some bizarre reason the lecturer asked: have you ever done anything wrong to someone and you wished you could say sorry to them?.........my friend confessed to lying that day long ago, she apologised to me in front of a class full of our friends..........but to me it felt like she was the one who had been shown as the hero in the situation for confessing and putting things straight........me, i felt like the friend who couldn't be trusted........
four years later i walked into the staff room of the school i was teaching at at the time to come face to face with the very teacher who had called me a liar........fear hit me in that moment:would she tell my fellow staff members of that long ago incident? did she still see me as a liar?..........she didn't know what my friend had confessed to........but instead, when asked what i had been like as a child at school, she answered in Love: she was the cutest little girl and all of the teachers fought over her to have her in their class................
the battle belongs to Me..........let Me fight the battle, you don't need to defend yourself.......the battle is already won...........
Proverbs 16 vs 32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, he who rules his [own] spirit than he who takes a city.
i was supposed to go to the mall that saturday and i was doing everything to delay the inevitable........you see, i was afraid.......i didn't want to see anybody that i knew to be told that i had done damage......and so i did everything to avoid going.........eventually i told ray what i was struggling with.......i told him i'd been wrong to speak out, wrong to shame a fellow believer and i was afraid that i would have to face the consequences of my words........my husband is a wise counsellor-i didn't know how much until that morning-he encouraged me in Love........told me what he sees in me, and i felt strengthened to go and face the world........
walking to the car my little man came out begging me to buy him something at the shops.......i know his heart-he just loves gifts-his day is made when he receives something......anything.....but i was tired of hearing him beg.......so i sat down with him and told him: don't beg.........you're not a beggar.......who is the King of the world? he grinned and said:me.......who is the King of the world? God.......and you are His prince......you don't have to beg from Him, just ask.......He wants to give to you all that you ask for because you're His son.........mommy wants to give you all you ask for, somedays i can and i will.......but somedays you need to wait until i can........i went off to the shops, found what i was looking for and then felt i needed to buy what he had asked me for.........so i took one off the shelf (i thought jen and mike could share) and went to the till........use your loyalty points, He whispered......so i asked how many points i had.....enough to buy two! and cover some of the cost of what i'd gone to buy........as i was leaving (after seeing no-one i knew) i realised that even though i was believing that i had done wrong My Father was saying: even when you think you have done wrong i love you, i want to take care of you and i give you my love for free, in fact i gave you more than you even thought you should get....My Love is abundant.........i was so excited to get home and tell my boy what His Daddy had done for him: given him what he had asked for for free, i hadn't had to pay a cent for his gift!!!
Proverbs 16 vs 33 The lot is cast into the lap, but the decision is wholly of the Lord [even the events that seem accidental are really ordered by Him].
there was more to be unveiled.......
i see-sawed that night between knowing that the Father was in control and thinking that it would just be better to hide.......forever ;-).........i realised that in all probability our friends at fellowship could have read the blog post too......what would they think?!?.........fellowship was the one place i felt safe and unconditionally loved.......would they still accept me even if i had done something despicable?........the Lord is pretty persistant though........once He has you on the palm of His hand He is never going to let you go........no matter how far away you think you can run........i knew that i could go with Him beside me.......fellowship came.......and went........no mention of the blog post............
but the Father still has work to do in me (thankfully He promises to complete the good works He has begun)..........
mornings are tough when your flesh is being exposed to you.......and the world........it's often the time when i feel at my weakest..........dropping the kids at school meant i'd have to face more people who could possibly have read my blog..........guess that's what happens when you get naked on facebook ;-)
my precious kiddies accepted my lame excuse for not walking in with them........and i escaped back home to my castle.........i've learnt that it's best to run to the Lord when things are tough and not away from Him.........so i spent the day soaking in His word by listening to some of my favourite grace teachers..........i am always amazed at how the Lord feeds us.....everything i listened to that morning was encouragement to my soul........
later that day mike "accidentally" pushed the play button on my cell phone........the song that was playing: blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His holy name........He gives and takes away........He gives and takes away.........i get that you give Lord, but how can they sing so joyfully about You taking away?..........but somehow that song was balm to my soul.........
the following day i was faced with the truth of what i had done........of whom it had really effected.....and i wanted to hide (again)........but He encouraged me not to hide........i didn't have a car to fetch the kids, i needed a lift............a friend from fellowship was willing to help.........i sat in the car dreading that she would bring up the topic of my blog post..........instead He whispered to me: I give you the gifts that you need and take away the burdens that you don't need......I give and take away.......let Me fight the battle..........
it was a long week......by thursday i had come to terms with the fact that i had hurt others and that in all probability my children could be effected too.........loosing friends is not easy........but not my children too, Lord.........would you be happy if I was your only friend?.........yes, Jesus, You're the best friend i've ever had........i don't want to loose you too............then believe this: you don't have to fight My battles for Me...........I have already won.....no need to point out unbelief to others, you are not their judge...... just as i keep drawing you closer to Me I can draw all of mankind to Me..........just as I am unveiling the lies that you believe about yourself.........I can unveil their eyes too.......just rest in Me and enjoy the life I want to live through you.......that is all i want you to do.............I AM LOVE that is what I do...........
my God (and yours) is a God of Love.......sometimes you have to go through fire to burn away the chaff........most of the time i find that it is not what others do or say in the circumstances that i am facing that cause the most turmoil, but rather it is the lies that i believe about myself..........having these lies burnt away can be very painful to our flesh.........giving up what you believe about yourself and receiving what God says about you can be like the birthing process.......giving birth to new truth can be very messy.......realising you've believed a lie can hurt your pride........but holding that new life in your hands replaces all the pain with great joy..........His joy
know this: Love came to set you free..........where we may judge others as living, believing, doing wrong..........He does not judge this way........He is not sin conscious.....He is GRACE......He looks at you and judges you as LOVED........with no price to pay..........
i have been floored by this whole experience.........amazed at My Father's Grace through it all........the people whom i most feared loosing hadn't even read that post.........and i know now that even if they had they would still love me...........
so when all is said and done what have i learnt?.........i am a sinner who is as despicable as you.........i need to know Jesus and the Truth that sets you free from all lies...........just. like. you.........and the best part about it all? it's His work to set me free.......and that He has already completed!
so when He came to me again and whispered: you have judged others the way you think I have judged you.........now i want you to know that you are not judged as guilty, but as loved...........speak in Love.........I will show you how.......do you want me to teach you?.........yes, Lord, yes!
They've got you all encircled and there's nowhere you can hide,
Hey kid, did you think this was the easy life?
Thinking about our early childhood years,
Makes me wonder where it went wrong,
Didn't the things we went through make you strong?
No, that ain't the answer this was meant to be…..
Hey kid did you think this was the easy life?
i penned those words when i was about fifteen, it was a song, so there's more to it but i can't remember it now.......and that book i threw away long ago-throwing away the past........it was a reaction to the reality that was my life at the time.......my brother had gone off to the navy, leaving home for the first time........mom and i were left alone with my dad.......my brother had a break down while in training, he was put in the psych ward at 2 mil hospital under observation.......i remember the helpless feeling i had when i was told that he had been placed in that ward..........not my brother-the one who was always strong and determined to succeed.........my silent, strong fighter was loosing a battle ..........was history repeating itself?.......it's all a blurry memory now so i don't remember all the facts, i think my mom asked for the doctors to do tests to confirm that my brother wasn't bi-polar like my dad, thankfully he wasn't.........i have a faint memory of a letter or conversation with my brother-he was concerned about mom and i being alone with dad.......he wanted to take care of us....... reality was: he couldn't......... i had a similar experience happen to me when i finally plucked up the courage to leave home.......being the last to leave i felt like i was abandoning my mom (my parents were separated by this time).......but i knew that if i stayed i would never pluck up the courage to leave, so when a friend asked me to come and live with her i took that first step towards reality....... when you're in a co-dependent relationship you don't realise it-unless it is pointed out to you......... so when i left home i didn't realise that i was struggling with adapting to the reality that our family life had been anything but normal............and so i crashed.........the scary thing was i felt like i had no-one to talk to.........co-dependents don't talk about their trials, they just try to get on with life denying what they are really feeling....... it was around about this time when i ended that long term relationship........the only way i felt that i could start life again was to have a new beginning..........i'm so thankful that it wasn't up to me to rebuild my life........Jesus had already begun His work in me, He had been drawing me to Him before I moved out of home...........i know now that it is only because of His love that I am living a normal family life now........ one or two years after leaving home (it's also a little blurry for me), i met my husband to be.......when he asked me to marry him i was petrified-so much so that i returned the ring he had given to me..........but he never walked away........... i went for counseling over the next few months, our pastor and his wife took me in for the school holidays (such love!)...........the Lord used a few sessions with a psychiatrist to unlock the past for me: I was afraid to commit, afraid to make a decision that I believed would cause me to destroy another person's life..........but God in His Love gave me the courage to realise that it was a decision I had to make for myself, no one else could tell me who to marry, no one else could say i wasn't marriage material (we had done a personality assessment, at a marriage course, after which we were advised that i shouldn't get married-not to Ray-but in general).......... sometime in the midst of all this i attended a series of talks about restoring the ancient paths........i don't remember much about the talks but someone prayed for me one night, after they had prayed they said they felt that the Lord was saying that the years that the locusts had destroyed would be redeemed to me............
we attended a friend's fortieth this past week-end.........it was a lovely celebration of his life.......two of his friends gave a speech in which they spoke highly of him, commending him for having integrity, loyalty, wisdom and for achieving great things in his life (he is a principal of a school), his wife had sung a humorous song to him about their life together.........during the evening i looked over at my precious husband......he was wearing a sweatshirt which he owned before we got married, shoes which needed fixing and his shaggy, overgrown beard-he had grown out of protest-needed a trim ( i really don't like cutting his hair-so he jokingly told me he wouldn't trim his beard until i cut his hair)...........i wondered if his friends had noticed..........but, for the first time ever, I realised that i didn't really care if they had.......i had been myself at that party, I wasn't ashamed to be myself-to joke about his hairy unkempt beard, or admit that i was a housewife when asked what I was doing, we couldn't chat about the latest additions to our home or share about the exciting new work experiences we were having, but it was great to hear what other's were doing........i was happy for them........it was a good evening......
when we left the party i had been processing what i had experienced.........i couldn't quite put into words what i felt, but i think i said something to ray like: for the first time i wasn't really bothered about what others were sharing about their lives, i don't feel like i'm doing much compared to them, but it's ok........he replied: that's because you're at rest........you don't need to be doing anything now..... we got to bed late that night, i knew we could sleep in late the next morning as the kids were sleeping over at friends..........but i was woken around six o'clock by a gentle whisper...........i realised what else i had been processing that night: ray will turn 40 soon, he's been trying to decide what to do to celebrate........we don't have a huge group of friends (and that's ok ;-) and at this present moment we don't have money to host a big party..........but if i could stand in front of a crowd of people to celebrate my husband i wouldn't want to speak of the wonderful places we have travelled to or the career which he has persued, asking his friend's to come up with a list of characteristics which they think define him wouldn't tell people about the man that i know.........the man who told me that he would wait for me to love him when i told him that i didn't think i could ever love him the way he needed to be loved..........the man who told me that he saw potential in me to love and that even if he had to wait till we were old for me to love him.......he would wait.........how do you tell a crowd of people that you are proud to be someone's wife because: while the Lord restored, renewed and rebuilt your life, he waited patiently.............how do you tell a crowd of people that for all of the riches in the world, all of the places to journey to, i would rather have a happy family........i would rather be with a man who allowed me to persue the true Lover of my soul so that i could love him the way that Christ has loved me, unconditionally.....what i have found in Christ is priceless and i am so thankful to My Kinsman Redeemer for giving me the blessing of a good man......... my love, you mean the world to me..........p.s i think i'm ready to cut your hair now
note: when i read the link to co-dependency it brought me to tears.........so thankful to the Father for His ability to restore.........i can take no credit for my change of heart.... all glory and honour to Him!
Ephesians 2 vs 6-10 And He raised us up together with Him and made us sit down together in the heavenly sphere in Christ Jesus. He did this that He might clearly demonstrate through the ages to come the immeasurable riches of His free grace in kindness and goodness of heart toward us in Christ Jesus. For it is by free grace that you are saved through your faith. And this is not of yourselves, but it is the gift of God; Not because of works, lest any man should boast. [It is not the result of what anyone can possibly do, so no one can pride himself in it or take glory to himself.] For we are God's handiwork, recreated in Christ Jesus, that we may do the good works which God predestined for us, that we should walk in them. [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live.] p.s sorry i'm having font problems.......hope it didn't come out too big/small ;-)
on sunday ray rode in the argus cycle tour for about the sixth time since we have been married........he used to ride quite a bit before we met.....think he had about ten under his belt by that time........there was one year we decided to do it together........
it was just before we got married, i was still living in a block of flats at the bottom of ou kaapse weg, in fish hoek valley, still teaching......we started training a little bit in the holidays but as term time set in the practices became less and less.......ray, having ridden the route before, knew it would be a good thing for me to experience a mountain pass before the day........so my mind would be prepared.......but i didn't want to do ou kaapse weg.........and i kept putting it off.......until all practicing came to a complete halt.......
on the morning of the ride i was pretty excited to be doing the ride with him......something different......something for us to do together.......
but i was intent on not pushing myself too hard.......it is a long ride after all! i had decided that i would take on the attitude of "it's a fun ride-let's enjoy the scenery"........rather frustrating for someone who was used to riding at a pace and completing the tour in under five hours.......
we were doing fine until we reached the bottom of ou kaapse weg.........i could see home......and i could see the mountain up ahead.......my mind wasn't in it......i convinced him that i couldn't go on...... i chose home........he said he wanted to finish the ride......we were part of the stragglers by that time and although my legs (and mind) had given up ray's hadn't.........
when he got back to me after the race he told me that he had just missed the cut off time, seven hours in the saddle......but he had finished.......he told me how he had felt to fly past some of those stragglers, with legs that weren't tired......we giggled at how strange it must have been for them to see this guy come blazing past them still riding strong when it was late in the day and by this time no-one else should have been looking like they were riding with ease.........and even though i hadn't finished the race he didn't hold it against me.....
a few years later we were married and had kids.....our marriage was struggling........the Lord was restoring the past and i was still learning to let Him be my restorer.......i still wanted to do things my way.....wanted to fix the problems as quickly as they arose.........while he wanted to cross the bridges when we came to them.........(oh, how that phrase irritated me in those days)........I believed that what i wanted was right, what i expected ray to be was who he was meant to be.....
one day, after spending the morning in our room, avoiding all conversation and contact with my husband.......pleading with the Lord to help me to love him like He loves him......i knew i wasn't, but i still believed that i was right and he wasn't being the husband and father he was made to be.......
i climbed into the shower, knowing i had to be a part of our family, had to show my face to the kids...........being naked in front of the Lord tends to open my eyes.......He showed me how, as a little girl, i had desperately wanted to feel my father's presence, wanted him to be a part of our lives........but he wasn't, his mental illness had built walls between us....... his past had built walls between us........and although i knew he desperately wanted to be loved, it was all too often stolen from him.......our father-daughter relationship was not built on time or sharing experiences together.......and so i had expected ray to be the dad i had never had: the dad who was physically and mentally present one hundred percent of the time......in fact i wanted him to be more than the dad my dad was.......i wanted him to be perfect.......
i climbed out of the shower knowing that i had to say sorry........struggling with that too.......but eventually i did.....i found him outside hanging up the washing........being the dad he was made to be.....
we've been together almost twelve years now.......i believe that day was the turning point for us......the Lord has had to do a lot of restoring for me, but that's His business anyway so i'm thankful that i can hand over my struggles to Him.....it's too hard trying to do it on my own.........
when my eyes were finally opened, when i could finally let ray be the dad and husband he has been created to be, this is what the Lord showed me:
the man i married is my mr steady.......he'll keep on riding this race of life with me to the end......even go over mountains for me when i think i can't.......and if i let him lead i'll soon see that it is way better to be on top of the mountains with him than to stay in the valleys of doubt without him.......
lately i've been asking the Lord to show me how to Love everyone like He does.......open your eyes to see how everyone reflects my Love.......each one of us reflects the Father's love.......believer or not.......He created all......and so all reflect His glory.........
when i look back on this experience in my life i can see how the Father used the man i married to reflect His Love for me.........even before we were married.......He has steadily stuck by me helping me to overcome mountains which i thought would never move.......
"To my Love, I am so thankful to the Father for blessing me with you........long ago you thought you could never fill the shoes.........you've done more than that already and we've only just begun......i look forward to riding with you till the end, i just know we're going to enjoy the ride. Loveyoulotslikejellytots!"
i dropped my little girl at school today with a cooler box filled with fluffy toys and a fishing net........she is taking part in the second round of the speaker reader competition at school.......
after that i drove to the beach to meet a friend for our morning walk and watched the sea.....it was so peaceful, no wind, no white choppy horses......still.......be still and know that I am God.........
but my heart was not still......i was thinking of what she had said in the car: i really want to get through to the finals mommy......i had reminded her to enjoy herself and to remember to speak loudly....it was the only encouragement i felt i should give but in my mind i was desperately wanting her to win, wanting her to succeed, wanting her to know what it is like to be a winner........
as i sat and looked at the sea His whisper led me down memory lane........to a girl who deeply believed that she could be a leader, knew that she could stand up in front of a crowd and encourage them to follow her lead......she knew it, but she didn't believe it........no-one had seen what lay deep within her, no-one knew her real desires, no-one had encouraged her to be what lay deep within.......
and then He whispered some more........this is what I believe about you: you can be who you want to be........just be still and know that I am in control........
and so He showed me that it's ok to want the very best for my child-He wants the very best for me........
but what if she doesn't achieve this desire Lord? in My time it will happen.......this is a process, let me show you what is happening:
last year jenna came home and told you about the speaker reader competition, she chose her poem-even though you thought it probably wasn't the most dramatic, wouldn't appeal to the listener's, you knew she had to do what she chose......it fact she was pretty adamant it wasn't going to be any other way ;-) .......so you helped her to practice the best you could (even though she didn't always listen to your advice).......and she got through to the second round.......she knew her words but she spoke too softly.......a boy with a long joke, which made the audience laugh, won......
so this year when she came home and said i want to write a story about a penguin that will make the boys laugh, you knew she had learnt from her past experiences.......so while she dictated her story to you, you gently guided and discussed and encouraged her ideas while you typed......amazed at your little girl's creativity......
do you remember when she gave up gymnastics-even though she was so good at it- and I told you that the world looks at our talents as something we do and not as THE gift that i have placed deep within you poured out to them through the works I have prepared in advance for you to do?...... I told you that you need to encourage her to believe in (and receive) what I have given her............love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...... that these are the real gifts which we shouldn't hide under the jar, the talents we shouldn't bury in the ground.......these are the gifts i have created you to share, to bless the world with........this is Me being in control, this is Me training her in the gifts i have placed deep within her........this is Me being her teacher, giving her my knowledge.......
when you were a child there was no-one who consistently encouraged you to be who you are......this is the passing on of what I have blessed you with.......your legacy........
remember when she took part in the school play last year as fairy-sa-jolly-good-fellow?.......she really wanted to be in that play, you knew she could do it, believed she had the ability to remember the words......and then on the night she stood on the stage all beautiful and innocent......... and she forgot what she had to say.......it was tough for you to watch, especially when you took her little friends with the next night and you really wanted her to do well.........listening to the lady in front of you say: this little girl never remembers her words, broke your heart........you really wanted her to prove her wrong......but she didn't, she forgot again.........why? you asked.......because she doesn't believe in herself, she's just like you used to be.........you need to encourage her more........you went home and shared it with ray and you said you didn't know how to do that...........well, this is Me training you.....you know what lies deep within you now........speak it over her, bless her with your words, tell her who she is because of who I AM.........
don't teach her what the world teaches:it is what we do in life that is our purpose........her purpose is to know Me, to be in relationship with me, and when she knows this she will know the freedom that she was created for........to be exactly who she desires to be........for I placed those desires deep within her before she was even created in your womb........
this learning-to-love-like-you Lord, it ain't easy when i do it my way, i'm learning more and more everyday that it is only when i don't know how, when i say: i am weak, show me your ways, it is only then that You can burn away the fat of unbelief..........thank You Father for leading me on your paths and showing me Your ways........thank You that because of You i will wait patiently while You teach my precious jolly-good-fellow to spread the joy and love you have placed deep within her.......thank you for loving us just the way we are
if you have the time.......listen here to this song......hope it blesses you
do me a favour, click on the video and let it play softly as you read this post
i grew up with a catholic mother who, in our early years, dutifully dragged us to church every sunday, to sit, stand, repeat the words, listen to the Word, kneel, pray, sit, stand.......until it became routine,
when i was old enough to receive first holy communion and after completing the sunday school lessons preparing me for this occasion, it was time to enter the confession booth for the first time......i sat and waited for my turn and watched as a boy was dragged kicking and screaming to the booth, it was whispered that he didn't like to enter closed places......neither did i.......and fear climbed up within......i didn't want to enter that place and tell a strange man all the things i had ever done wrong, i didn't know him......i remember thinking:why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?
draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you
our family entered into a storm after this time, which would seem to last a lifetime........we left our home and friends behind to make a new beginning...........only to return with too much shame to share.... slowly we retreated, the routine of church lost.........i found a family in which i could take refuge somedays, their home offered stability, unity and acceptance......they spoke of Jesus and took me to a church totally different to the routine that i had been used to.....
draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you
eventually the routine of church crept back into or life, mom taking us back to the faith in which she had grown up .....time came for confirmation classes and i questioned why? why must i pledge a faithfulness to a church, to a faith i did not understand? attend the classes, you will find your answers there.....i didn't, but i stayed to complete the lessons and attend a retreat in a little church on a hill, not far from where i now live, i was asked to read the Word for the day........i wish that i could remember what i read that day, but i can't......all that i can remember was feeling: this is what i am meant to do......read the Word.......
draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you
when i entered college a few years later i was surrounded by believers of different denominations, i still thought of myself as a catholic, although i wasn't attending church regularly with my mom anymore......our family had separated and she was allowing me the freedom to live my life......
and then one day someone challenged my thoughts: you can't be a christian if you're a catholic..... i began to question more......basically she believed that i prayed to mary and that i shouldn't, that i should only pray to Jesus......i, personally didn't pray to mary, i didn't pray to anyone really.......but what she had said stirred something deep within: why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?
draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you
at an s.u. children's camp a year or so later i chose to believe.......my life would never be the same again...
i started searching for a home in which to worship the Lord and found myself at a methodist church where i became part of the worship team......singing the Word, after a year or so the young minister left to lead another church and a few months later the youth started leaving too......members of our band were starting to attend a nearby baptist church, they said it was filled with youth and awesome worship, everyone was going there.......my friend invited me to go with her.........eventually i ventured to join the tide.......my friend and i joined a cell group and later when we moved in together we hosted the cell group..........it was during this time that i was wrestling with another big decision in my life........to walk away from a long term relationship........
draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you
this was a stormy time of my life, i had left home, left a long-term relationship, was just beginning my teaching career and now i felt like i was on my own......shy, self-concious i struggled to fit in at the church......
some time later i asked a friend from cell if i could join him on a night out, it felt safe enough to ask him as he was a brother of a school friend, he was going to be meeting up with some of his friends.......that night i met my husband.......he had recently attended a church service at the baptist church......invited by the same friend i was out with.....
around two years later we were married, we moved over the mountain and away from the life we knew to start our life together......
draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you
for a while we travelled to church and were part of a cell group which met in our area......and then i met someone with a love for the Lord that was so strong that i couldn't help but want to be her friend....we worked at the same school and soon discovered that we even lived in the same complex......they had recently left their church and were attending a home church; they invited us to join them.....
here we were guided to believe that the only Word that was important was the Word of God.....and so there were no prepared sermons.......we read straight out of the Bible and discussed what we read....it was here that we learnt that we needed to abide in Christ.......that His Spirit was already abiding in us.....and we listened as the Spirit within those around us taught us and revealed Christ to us.....
draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you
the Body that surrounded us grew and changed often over the years......we met as a group of mixed ages with our young children crawling among us as we worshipped......as the children grew older we gathered together as adults only while parents took it in turns to teach the children.....we met as a Body in the morning, we met at night, bringing young ones along and including them in the fellowship at times......the younger generation felt led by the Lord to begin fellowshipping together with our children in the mornings, while the older generation felt a need to gather together at night.......sometimes we'd congregate all as one.......some have left, some have stayed.......some come often, some come when they feel led to......but we are all still part of the Body.......
when i look back over the years i can clearly see how the Lord has quietly been drawing me near all of my life......He has removed the need for the security from routines, He has made a home within me to worship Him, He has led me to a place of rest where i can be myself while i abide in Him, He has made me part of a Body hungry to be in unity with Him......
i believe that everyone can know Christ, i believe that when you choose to believe in Him His Spirit becomes yours and He will gently lead you, i believe that we are now living in a time when we no longer need one person to stand in front of church to preach the Word to bring new revelations.......i believe the Word lives within and He can teach you bringing you into Truth.......and when you gather together with like-minded believers to encourage one another, the words He has whispered to you will be confirmed......
Hebrews 8 vs 10 This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their mind and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbour, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least to the greatest, For I will forgive their wickedness and I will remember their sins no more."
