on sunday ray rode in the argus cycle tour for about the sixth time since we have been married........he used to ride quite a bit before we met.....think he had about ten under his belt by that time........there was one year we decided to do it together........
it was just before we got married, i was still living in a block of flats at the bottom of ou kaapse weg, in fish hoek valley, still teaching......we started training a little bit in the holidays but as term time set in the practices became less and less.......ray, having ridden the route before, knew it would be a good thing for me to experience a mountain pass before the day........so my mind would be prepared.......but i didn't want to do ou kaapse weg.........and i kept putting it off.......until all practicing came to a complete halt.......
on the morning of the ride i was pretty excited to be doing the ride with him......something different......something for us to do together.......
but i was intent on not pushing myself too hard.......it is a long ride after all! i had decided that i would take on the attitude of "it's a fun ride-let's enjoy the scenery"........rather frustrating for someone who was used to riding at a pace and completing the tour in under five hours.......
we were doing fine until we reached the bottom of ou kaapse weg.........i could see home......and i could see the mountain up ahead.......my mind wasn't in it......i convinced him that i couldn't go on...... i chose home........he said he wanted to finish the ride......we were part of the stragglers by that time and although my legs (and mind) had given up ray's hadn't.........
when he got back to me after the race he told me that he had just missed the cut off time, seven hours in the saddle......but he had finished.......he told me how he had felt to fly past some of those stragglers, with legs that weren't tired......we giggled at how strange it must have been for them to see this guy come blazing past them still riding strong when it was late in the day and by this time no-one else should have been looking like they were riding with ease.........and even though i hadn't finished the race he didn't hold it against me.....
a few years later we were married and had kids.....our marriage was struggling........the Lord was restoring the past and i was still learning to let Him be my restorer.......i still wanted to do things my way.....wanted to fix the problems as quickly as they arose.........while he wanted to cross the bridges when we came to them.........(oh, how that phrase irritated me in those days)........I believed that what i wanted was right, what i expected ray to be was who he was meant to be.....
one day, after spending the morning in our room, avoiding all conversation and contact with my husband.......pleading with the Lord to help me to love him like He loves him......i knew i wasn't, but i still believed that i was right and he wasn't being the husband and father he was made to be.......
i climbed into the shower, knowing i had to be a part of our family, had to show my face to the kids...........being naked in front of the Lord tends to open my eyes.......He showed me how, as a little girl, i had desperately wanted to feel my father's presence, wanted him to be a part of our lives........but he wasn't, his mental illness had built walls between us....... his past had built walls between us........and although i knew he desperately wanted to be loved, it was all too often stolen from him.......our father-daughter relationship was not built on time or sharing experiences together.......and so i had expected ray to be the dad i had never had: the dad who was physically and mentally present one hundred percent of the time......in fact i wanted him to be more than the dad my dad was.......i wanted him to be perfect.......
i climbed out of the shower knowing that i had to say sorry........struggling with that too.......but eventually i did.....i found him outside hanging up the washing........being the dad he was made to be.....
we've been together almost twelve years now.......i believe that day was the turning point for us......the Lord has had to do a lot of restoring for me, but that's His business anyway so i'm thankful that i can hand over my struggles to Him.....it's too hard trying to do it on my own.........
when my eyes were finally opened, when i could finally let ray be the dad and husband he has been created to be, this is what the Lord showed me:
the man i married is my mr steady.......he'll keep on riding this race of life with me to the end......even go over mountains for me when i think i can't.......and if i let him lead i'll soon see that it is way better to be on top of the mountains with him than to stay in the valleys of doubt without him.......
lately i've been asking the Lord to show me how to Love everyone like He does.......open your eyes to see how everyone reflects my Love.......each one of us reflects the Father's love.......believer or not.......He created all......and so all reflect His glory.........
when i look back on this experience in my life i can see how the Father used the man i married to reflect His Love for me.........even before we were married.......He has steadily stuck by me helping me to overcome mountains which i thought would never move.......
it was just before we got married, i was still living in a block of flats at the bottom of ou kaapse weg, in fish hoek valley, still teaching......we started training a little bit in the holidays but as term time set in the practices became less and less.......ray, having ridden the route before, knew it would be a good thing for me to experience a mountain pass before the day........so my mind would be prepared.......but i didn't want to do ou kaapse weg.........and i kept putting it off.......until all practicing came to a complete halt.......
on the morning of the ride i was pretty excited to be doing the ride with him......something different......something for us to do together.......
but i was intent on not pushing myself too hard.......it is a long ride after all! i had decided that i would take on the attitude of "it's a fun ride-let's enjoy the scenery"........rather frustrating for someone who was used to riding at a pace and completing the tour in under five hours.......
we were doing fine until we reached the bottom of ou kaapse weg.........i could see home......and i could see the mountain up ahead.......my mind wasn't in it......i convinced him that i couldn't go on...... i chose home........he said he wanted to finish the ride......we were part of the stragglers by that time and although my legs (and mind) had given up ray's hadn't.........
when he got back to me after the race he told me that he had just missed the cut off time, seven hours in the saddle......but he had finished.......he told me how he had felt to fly past some of those stragglers, with legs that weren't tired......we giggled at how strange it must have been for them to see this guy come blazing past them still riding strong when it was late in the day and by this time no-one else should have been looking like they were riding with ease.........and even though i hadn't finished the race he didn't hold it against me.....
a few years later we were married and had kids.....our marriage was struggling........the Lord was restoring the past and i was still learning to let Him be my restorer.......i still wanted to do things my way.....wanted to fix the problems as quickly as they arose.........while he wanted to cross the bridges when we came to them.........(oh, how that phrase irritated me in those days)........I believed that what i wanted was right, what i expected ray to be was who he was meant to be.....
one day, after spending the morning in our room, avoiding all conversation and contact with my husband.......pleading with the Lord to help me to love him like He loves him......i knew i wasn't, but i still believed that i was right and he wasn't being the husband and father he was made to be.......
i climbed into the shower, knowing i had to be a part of our family, had to show my face to the kids...........being naked in front of the Lord tends to open my eyes.......He showed me how, as a little girl, i had desperately wanted to feel my father's presence, wanted him to be a part of our lives........but he wasn't, his mental illness had built walls between us....... his past had built walls between us........and although i knew he desperately wanted to be loved, it was all too often stolen from him.......our father-daughter relationship was not built on time or sharing experiences together.......and so i had expected ray to be the dad i had never had: the dad who was physically and mentally present one hundred percent of the time......in fact i wanted him to be more than the dad my dad was.......i wanted him to be perfect.......
i climbed out of the shower knowing that i had to say sorry........struggling with that too.......but eventually i did.....i found him outside hanging up the washing........being the dad he was made to be.....
we've been together almost twelve years now.......i believe that day was the turning point for us......the Lord has had to do a lot of restoring for me, but that's His business anyway so i'm thankful that i can hand over my struggles to Him.....it's too hard trying to do it on my own.........
when my eyes were finally opened, when i could finally let ray be the dad and husband he has been created to be, this is what the Lord showed me:
the man i married is my mr steady.......he'll keep on riding this race of life with me to the end......even go over mountains for me when i think i can't.......and if i let him lead i'll soon see that it is way better to be on top of the mountains with him than to stay in the valleys of doubt without him.......
lately i've been asking the Lord to show me how to Love everyone like He does.......open your eyes to see how everyone reflects my Love.......each one of us reflects the Father's love.......believer or not.......He created all......and so all reflect His glory.........
when i look back on this experience in my life i can see how the Father used the man i married to reflect His Love for me.........even before we were married.......He has steadily stuck by me helping me to overcome mountains which i thought would never move.......
"To my Love, I am so thankful to the Father for blessing me with you........long ago you thought you could never fill the shoes.........you've done more than that already and we've only just begun......i look forward to riding with you till the end, i just know we're going to enjoy the ride. Loveyoulotslikejellytots!"
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