i used to want to flee from the hard times in life.....try to run away from the challenges........avoid making life changing decisions.......long for the mountain tops when i was in a valley..........these were some of the habits that ruled me,
it was easier to go through life not having to deal with pain, hurt or disappointment........so i did everything within my power to control what i could to avoid them........
but the truth was:that controlling-thing i was doing, wasn't working out too well for me.......the more i tried to control my life, to protect myself and those around me, the harder it got to keep it together........instead of living in peace on earth........i was holding myself captive in my own little hell........
eternal life for me is a given.........everybody can receive it, it's a free gift...........everybody will live forever.........in freedom or in chains, in the light or in the dark...........the thing is, at this present moment, my physical body is not living in eternity, it's living in the now......in the moment.......in this day that He has made......and to live in this day according to His will........i need to know His freedom............
there was a time in my life when i thought that freedom meant the things i do would bring me freedom and not the things that i believed.......by His grace that did bring a certain kind of freedom.......but not the eternal kind........when i began to give up trying to control what i thought my life should/would look like He began to take me deeper to a place that will take the chains off, a place that helped me to see that it is not always the mountain top experiences that are life changing, but it is most often the valleys that i go through that will bring true Life to water the soil that had run dry within my soul to renew the Spirit within............
living in the Light brings Life.........living in the darkness keeps you captive to your old self, your old ways, your old habits........you can live in heaven here on earth.....or you can be held captive in hell....
i am still discovering freedom (i think it'll be a life long journey).......and i'm ok with that now-never used to be, wanted to know what the next step was, wanted to know how it was all going to look in the end, wanted the plan all carefully plotted out that i could follow..........
so how is He doing it? because, believe me it is nothing that i have done........all that i can do is believe and receive...........
like a Shepherd He has gently led me to places where i can eat, where i can receive what He has laid out for me to feast on..........i won't lie to you, it has not been easy becoming naked, realising that apart from Him i am nothing but a clanging cymbal, giving up idols in my life......facing the past, learning to forgive.......allowing Him to do the work and not me...........
last year after He had shown me that it was time to share more, to not be afraid of becoming naked in front of others, He promised me that He would do the changing........He highlighted areas in my life that He wanted to renew and restore.....and i said great-let's do it!......and then i was invited to attend a seminar for a day-Heartlife: Insight for transformation..........i had a choice: go and possibly become naked.........or avoid the whole experience entirely..........i wrestled with Him (as i sometimes do) saying: You said You'll do the renewing so why do i have to go to this seminar if You have promised that You will do what needs to be done?.......You said it, i believe it, so why must i go?...........because it's time to start being naked........
we had to fill out forms and get three people to fill them out too.......you get the assessment back before the seminar and one thing was blatantly clear to me: to others i was someone completely different to whom i thought i was..........now this could be seen as no biggie, but to me it was another indicator that no one really knew me because i had always been too afraid to share my thoughts, opinions or feelings with those to whom i was closest to.......i knew that i had to go to the seminar as i felt that He was going to use it for good but my heart was feeling heavy.........i was afraid of being told that i wasn't capable of change.......
i recorded this experience in my journal, reading over it today i am amazed at what My Father was doing behind the scenes......
journal entry: "Been listening to Bertie Britz again-lots of meaty stuff-freedom from law and bitterness I need a deeper understanding of these things. I need to truly understand grace"
at the seminar we discussed how past experiences in our lives (both negative or positive) could set templates up for us which cause us to react to current situations with a habitual reaction.......for example: if you were never praised by a parent and you always received critical "encouragement" from them you would most likely become tense/fearful/weary in a situation of appraisal by an authority figure........
after discussing some of these habits and how they are played out in our lives we discussed how the negative templates would influence our relationship with the Lord........
Genesis 3:8-13 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, Where are you? He said, I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. And He said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat? And the man said, The woman whom You gave to be with me-she gave me from the tree, and I ate. And the Lord God said to the woman, What is this you have done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I ate.
journal entry: "Separation-not believing what the Lord says about you."
then we were encouraged to spend time picturing where the Lord was in the room and what He was saying to us........
i saw Him kneeling in front of me.......holding out His heart towards me.........offering for me to take it and receive His heart, His Love, His ways.......to replace my ways and my habits.......
and after that i saw a picture of Ray and i on a beach, i was holding him........and then we walked together in unity down the beach........
during the seminar i had felt (most of the time) comfortable sharing my thoughts........until we were asked if we would like to participate in a play therapy session.........during this session we were told to use plastic dolls, furniture and other props to re-enact a stage in our daily life........my brain literally shut down......it felt like i didn't understand the question......like i didn't know what i had to do.......while everyone else set about the task at hand i panicked........i couldn't think of what scene i wanted to portray......i wanted to run away from the whole experience..........i wanted to avoid the feeling of pain that was welling up inside of me.............when i realised what the battle was about: nakedness in front of others-they would all see my scene, and if they're anything like me they're going to analyse what i put out in front of me-even if it was impossible to interpret........when i realised what i was afraid of i forced myself to see the picture that the Lord was revealing to me.....
it was the typical coming home scene (at the time) at the end of everyday in our home: i was standing behind our kitchen counter preparing supper, ray had just walked in the door.........and the kids were running down the passage into his arms to greet him.........my feeling at that time of day:i suck at what i'm doing and i was pretty peeved off at everyone and everything by the end of the day!
we were asked to answer some questions relating to the scene and as i answered each one to myself i realised that i saw myself as an unworthy, incapable mom and wife........it was easier for me to feel anger than acceptance and so i was afraid of rejection by my family and husband.......my past templates were dictating how i acted and setting a tone for rejection and fear in my home........
but then the Lord whispered this to me: I want to unite you.......don't be afraid........I don't see you the way that you see yourself.........I see you as a perfect mom and a perfect wife.......believe this!
i could have avoided that whole seminar........run away from the pain that i knew could be caused by it-facing who you believe you are can be painful, receiving who Jesus says you are brings freedom.......i am so thankful, that by God's grace, that i went along that day........He broke off more chains in one day than i could possibly have done in my own effort in the same time frame.........
so i've realised that sometimes facing the pain or going through it, is something you just have to do, but you'll never do it alone.......when God burns away the lies in your life and gives birth to new things it can feel painful.......there's a lie out there that says if you are a believer it's always going to be easy sailing when it gets stormy.......but what i've experienced is that sometimes you have to learn to walk with Him on the water of the storms trusting that He will make a way while He births something new in you.......something of Him......yes, it is tough to go through the valley's....and sometimes it can get pretty messy........it wouldn't be called taking battle ground if it wasn't messy.........but i promise you this: soaring above the mountain tops makes you forget all of the pain..............and doing it in His strength brings so much more freedom than doing it on your own.........
Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
i am so thankful that Jesus came to set the captives free.........if He had left me to figure it out all on my own i'd still be stuck in the miry clay.......but the truth is He came for that very purpose: setting us free from those things which prevent us from walking in the fullness of Him!
it was easier to go through life not having to deal with pain, hurt or disappointment........so i did everything within my power to control what i could to avoid them........
but the truth was:that controlling-thing i was doing, wasn't working out too well for me.......the more i tried to control my life, to protect myself and those around me, the harder it got to keep it together........instead of living in peace on earth........i was holding myself captive in my own little hell........
eternal life for me is a given.........everybody can receive it, it's a free gift...........everybody will live forever.........in freedom or in chains, in the light or in the dark...........the thing is, at this present moment, my physical body is not living in eternity, it's living in the now......in the moment.......in this day that He has made......and to live in this day according to His will........i need to know His freedom............
there was a time in my life when i thought that freedom meant the things i do would bring me freedom and not the things that i believed.......by His grace that did bring a certain kind of freedom.......but not the eternal kind........when i began to give up trying to control what i thought my life should/would look like He began to take me deeper to a place that will take the chains off, a place that helped me to see that it is not always the mountain top experiences that are life changing, but it is most often the valleys that i go through that will bring true Life to water the soil that had run dry within my soul to renew the Spirit within............
living in the Light brings Life.........living in the darkness keeps you captive to your old self, your old ways, your old habits........you can live in heaven here on earth.....or you can be held captive in hell....
i am still discovering freedom (i think it'll be a life long journey).......and i'm ok with that now-never used to be, wanted to know what the next step was, wanted to know how it was all going to look in the end, wanted the plan all carefully plotted out that i could follow..........
so how is He doing it? because, believe me it is nothing that i have done........all that i can do is believe and receive...........
like a Shepherd He has gently led me to places where i can eat, where i can receive what He has laid out for me to feast on..........i won't lie to you, it has not been easy becoming naked, realising that apart from Him i am nothing but a clanging cymbal, giving up idols in my life......facing the past, learning to forgive.......allowing Him to do the work and not me...........
last year after He had shown me that it was time to share more, to not be afraid of becoming naked in front of others, He promised me that He would do the changing........He highlighted areas in my life that He wanted to renew and restore.....and i said great-let's do it!......and then i was invited to attend a seminar for a day-Heartlife: Insight for transformation..........i had a choice: go and possibly become naked.........or avoid the whole experience entirely..........i wrestled with Him (as i sometimes do) saying: You said You'll do the renewing so why do i have to go to this seminar if You have promised that You will do what needs to be done?.......You said it, i believe it, so why must i go?...........because it's time to start being naked........
we had to fill out forms and get three people to fill them out too.......you get the assessment back before the seminar and one thing was blatantly clear to me: to others i was someone completely different to whom i thought i was..........now this could be seen as no biggie, but to me it was another indicator that no one really knew me because i had always been too afraid to share my thoughts, opinions or feelings with those to whom i was closest to.......i knew that i had to go to the seminar as i felt that He was going to use it for good but my heart was feeling heavy.........i was afraid of being told that i wasn't capable of change.......
i recorded this experience in my journal, reading over it today i am amazed at what My Father was doing behind the scenes......
journal entry: "Been listening to Bertie Britz again-lots of meaty stuff-freedom from law and bitterness I need a deeper understanding of these things. I need to truly understand grace"
at the seminar we discussed how past experiences in our lives (both negative or positive) could set templates up for us which cause us to react to current situations with a habitual reaction.......for example: if you were never praised by a parent and you always received critical "encouragement" from them you would most likely become tense/fearful/weary in a situation of appraisal by an authority figure........
after discussing some of these habits and how they are played out in our lives we discussed how the negative templates would influence our relationship with the Lord........
Genesis 3:8-13 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, Where are you? He said, I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. And He said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat? And the man said, The woman whom You gave to be with me-she gave me from the tree, and I ate. And the Lord God said to the woman, What is this you have done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I ate.
journal entry: "Separation-not believing what the Lord says about you."
then we were encouraged to spend time picturing where the Lord was in the room and what He was saying to us........
i saw Him kneeling in front of me.......holding out His heart towards me.........offering for me to take it and receive His heart, His Love, His ways.......to replace my ways and my habits.......
and after that i saw a picture of Ray and i on a beach, i was holding him........and then we walked together in unity down the beach........
during the seminar i had felt (most of the time) comfortable sharing my thoughts........until we were asked if we would like to participate in a play therapy session.........during this session we were told to use plastic dolls, furniture and other props to re-enact a stage in our daily life........my brain literally shut down......it felt like i didn't understand the question......like i didn't know what i had to do.......while everyone else set about the task at hand i panicked........i couldn't think of what scene i wanted to portray......i wanted to run away from the whole experience..........i wanted to avoid the feeling of pain that was welling up inside of me.............when i realised what the battle was about: nakedness in front of others-they would all see my scene, and if they're anything like me they're going to analyse what i put out in front of me-even if it was impossible to interpret........when i realised what i was afraid of i forced myself to see the picture that the Lord was revealing to me.....
it was the typical coming home scene (at the time) at the end of everyday in our home: i was standing behind our kitchen counter preparing supper, ray had just walked in the door.........and the kids were running down the passage into his arms to greet him.........my feeling at that time of day:i suck at what i'm doing and i was pretty peeved off at everyone and everything by the end of the day!
we were asked to answer some questions relating to the scene and as i answered each one to myself i realised that i saw myself as an unworthy, incapable mom and wife........it was easier for me to feel anger than acceptance and so i was afraid of rejection by my family and husband.......my past templates were dictating how i acted and setting a tone for rejection and fear in my home........
but then the Lord whispered this to me: I want to unite you.......don't be afraid........I don't see you the way that you see yourself.........I see you as a perfect mom and a perfect wife.......believe this!
i could have avoided that whole seminar........run away from the pain that i knew could be caused by it-facing who you believe you are can be painful, receiving who Jesus says you are brings freedom.......i am so thankful, that by God's grace, that i went along that day........He broke off more chains in one day than i could possibly have done in my own effort in the same time frame.........
so i've realised that sometimes facing the pain or going through it, is something you just have to do, but you'll never do it alone.......when God burns away the lies in your life and gives birth to new things it can feel painful.......there's a lie out there that says if you are a believer it's always going to be easy sailing when it gets stormy.......but what i've experienced is that sometimes you have to learn to walk with Him on the water of the storms trusting that He will make a way while He births something new in you.......something of Him......yes, it is tough to go through the valley's....and sometimes it can get pretty messy........it wouldn't be called taking battle ground if it wasn't messy.........but i promise you this: soaring above the mountain tops makes you forget all of the pain..............and doing it in His strength brings so much more freedom than doing it on your own.........
Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
i am so thankful that Jesus came to set the captives free.........if He had left me to figure it out all on my own i'd still be stuck in the miry clay.......but the truth is He came for that very purpose: setting us free from those things which prevent us from walking in the fullness of Him!
