how we got here (part two)

i thought i'd continue with our change from homeschooling to schooling story....

journal entry: scared to go to s.v.p.s. and ask for fees and application forms-rejection? i told you so?? not hearing and then i have egg on my face?? help Lord, I need your guidance-clearly
Mark 4: the storm-have faith in Jesus

i stood in the foyer of the school during mike's gymnastics lesson......trying to pluck up the courage to ask for forms.....i was hiding......i had just seen the principal walking towards me outside and i had literally run so that he wouldn't have a chance to stop and say hello, to chat, to ask questions.......so now i hid in the corner of the foyer.......wrestling with my thoughts again,

i have to ask for them i thought, i had told ray I would, can't go back on my word......have to do what i said...
so i eventually submitted to honoring my husband-knowing that he would expect me to do as we had discussed......
the woman at reception knew we were home schoolers....so when i approached and stammered: i need to ask for application forms.....she smiled cheerily and said oh i thought you were home schooling....um, yes, we are, but i have to do this....oh ok, you know you could ask at the rock academy too, they have smaller classes......i know, but, um, that's not what we want.....well we feel that this is where we are supposed to apply, we think it is what the Lord wants........are they still having interviews?  i think the last one is next week......

journal entry: Numbers 22 Balaam and his donkey-didn't do what God had told him. The angel stopped his donkey until God made the donkey speak.  Then Balaam saw the angel and he realised he was wrong.  So he says:vs 11 The word that God puts in my mouth, that shall I speak." 
That is how I want to live Lord.  Doing what You say when You say it!

Numbers 23 vs 12... Must I not be obedient and speak what the Lord has put in my mouth?
vs 26 "Did I not say to you, All the Lord speaks, that I must do?"

journal entry: Put application forms in yesterday.  Have to wait to be invited.  No pre-school report-very little points-and who knows if the person who processes the papers will even know that I taught there.  So it's in God's hands now.  Told Jen yesterday-at first she was tearful-and by the end of the day she was excited.  Prayed with Ray again.  He read Proverbs 16-the verses which have been rolling around in my head for a while.........wait, rest, trust......accept whatever happens.

the date for the last interview came.......and went......we didn't receive an invitation to attend and i thought: ok, so i heard wrong.......well, that's ok we'll just carry on as before.......but deep within i knew this wasn't over......

almost a week later i sat at the breakfast table in the morning when jen arrived for breakfast......
journal entry: Jenna had a dream about school.  She says the Lord spoke to her and told her she would be going to school.

wow, You really want this to happen........

i won't lie to you, although i felt certain that the Lord was guiding us down a new path, i struggled to let go.......holding on to a way of life was easier,

the phone rang later that week: hello? hi, it's allison from s.v.p.s we are having the last interview for a few stragglers who applied late, are you still interested in your child attending?  my first thought was: i could say no and this would be the end of it all.....Ray would never know that they phoned........who am i kidding? i can't lie to him.........uh, ok, i said, we will attend.....

i was sick that day, didn't feel much like talking, so we sat with the other parents listening while our precious little girl sat with the children drawing pictures.......we did the tour, walked through the passages........are we seriously doing this? am i really coming back here? walking up the stairs to leave she reached for my hand and said: i like it here mom, i want to come, it's going to be ok, i know i will make friends.......my heart was in turmoil, but i had to smile at this brave little girl, had to be strong, had to say: yes, i know you will........

after that time we started to slowly let people know what we were going to do.......a few whom i thought would support us, would understand we were following the Lord's guidance.......ray's folks found out quite by accident, jen let it slip, their reaction made me angry........why couldn't they have been that supportive of homeschooling?

i struggled with depression for a while.......was i not good enough to homeschool Lord?  did you think i couldn't do it?

journal entry:  Ray searched the word on Saturday night about being depressed.......when you have a major spiritual breakthrough you can often enter into depression after being on the high of 'being' with God-He read about Elijah and the prophets of Baal.  I felt an immediate lift and relief.......at fellowship we shared with friends and they said he'd been going through the same thing!!! (over something the Lord had been leading him to do)

Deut 31 vs 8 It is the Lord who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit] ( depressed, dismayed and unnerved with alarm)

slowly my Father ministered to me........showing me where my heart had been.......and where He was leading me to....

Deut 7 vs 6 For you are a holy and set apart people to the Lord your God; the Lord your God has chosen you to be a special people to Himself out of all the people on the face of this earth.

journal entry: what has God called you to do to set you apart?  Being set apart doesn't mean you take on a "doctrine" of a certain group, rather it means you follow God's voice for setting you apart-His exact instructions to you which will bring glory to God because of how your life reflects His way.

but it takes time to renew your mind (i still battle at times we i'm comparing, thankfully it's getting less)……it has taken time for Him to renew, to show me what i had put my faith in........and not whom i had put my faith in.......i had a dream in which the Lord revealed to me how I had placed my faith in home schooling to create the perfect environment for my children to grow up in.......they were perfect on the outside...but not within, where it really counts.......

during the next four months He gently whispered to me…….showing me how much He loved me, wanted to bless me……..wanted to renew my mind…..in our home i saw more freedom growing in our lives……..i could see how my husband was more relaxed………but that didn't stop me from feeling angry on the days i felt weak, feeling like i was the one having to give up, the one who had to change……and still He continued to whisper His love…….

i had days, no, weeks when i grappled with the decision again…….even sat and chose a curriculum, planned a school room……..told my little girl her mommy was feeling like it would be best to home school but i was still deciding……..it's ok mom, whatever you want to do i am fine with that…….

we spent the day with family after the new year and an aunt asked jen if she was excited to be going to school…….innocently she looked over at me and said: am i home schooling mommy?….. granny was not happy to hear that and while i was inside she interrogated my poor husband, who dutifully defended my latest decision………i was angry again: why can't they just believe in me?……..and He unlocked another key, pride………i'm just going to do it and prove them all wrong!

and so i tried to convince Ray again.......comparing........with my wisdom and not the Lord's ........ causing him to toss on the waves of doubt.......the tossing to and fro was making my little girl anxious, her boldness was slowly dying.........

we went away on our family camping trip knowing a decision needed to be made, when we returned school would start in two days..........

we tried to relax, enjoy time together as a family away from home....... away from reality.......i kept on asking ray how he felt, wanting him to make the decision...... not wanting to be the one who had to submit.......

ray had a beautiful dream while we were away.......a promise of a beautiful year ahead.......falling in love with His Saviour, our Provider........and i knew then that it would be ok, that He would provide all the strength i needed to walk this new path........i was at peace again,

we returned home to buy jen her school uniform........and to start our roller coaster first year at school......trusting that the only Rock we should build our home on is Jesus........the only path we should follow is His....not putting our faith in a way of life but rather in the way to life.......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

do me a favour, click on the video and let it play softly as you read this post

i grew up with a catholic mother who, in our early years, dutifully dragged us to church every sunday, to sit, stand, repeat the words, listen to the Word, kneel, pray, sit, stand.......until it became routine,

when i was old enough to receive first holy communion and after completing the sunday school lessons preparing me for this occasion, it was time to enter the confession booth for the first time......i sat and waited for my turn and watched as a boy was dragged kicking and screaming to the booth, it was whispered that he didn't like to enter closed places......neither did i.......and fear climbed up within......i didn't want to enter that place and tell a strange man all the things i had ever done wrong, i didn't know him......i remember thinking:why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

our family entered into a storm after this time, which would seem to last a lifetime........we left our home and friends behind to make a new beginning...........only to return with too much shame to share.... slowly we retreated, the routine of church lost.........i found a family in which i could take refuge somedays, their home offered stability, unity and acceptance......they spoke of Jesus and took me to a church totally different to the routine that i had been used to.....

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

eventually the routine of church crept back into or life, mom taking us back to the faith in which she had grown up .....time came for confirmation classes and i questioned why?  why must i pledge a faithfulness to a church, to a faith i did not understand? attend the classes, you will find your answers there.....i didn't, but i stayed to complete the lessons and attend a retreat in a little church on a hill, not far from where i now live, i was asked to read the Word for the day........i wish that i could remember what i read that day, but i can't......all that i can remember was feeling: this is what i am meant to do......read the Word.......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

when i entered college a few years later i was surrounded by believers of different denominations, i still thought of myself as a catholic, although i wasn't attending church regularly with my mom anymore......our family had separated and she was allowing me the freedom to live my life......

and then one day someone challenged my thoughts: you can't be a christian if you're a catholic..... i began to question more......basically she believed that i prayed to mary and that i shouldn't, that i should only pray to Jesus......i, personally didn't pray to mary, i didn't pray to anyone really.......but what she had said stirred something deep within: why couldn't i just speak to Jesus?

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

at an s.u. children's camp a year or so later i chose to believe.......my life would never be the same again...

i started searching for a home in which to worship the Lord and found myself at a methodist church where i became part of the worship team......singing the Word, after a year or so the young minister left to lead another church and a few months later the youth started leaving too......members of our band were starting to attend a  nearby baptist church, they said it was filled with youth and awesome worship, everyone was going there.......my friend invited me to go with her.........eventually i ventured to join the tide.......my friend and i joined a cell group and later when we moved in together we hosted the cell group..........it was during this time that i was wrestling with another big decision in my life........to walk away from a long term relationship........

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

this was a stormy time of my life, i had left home, left a long-term relationship, was just beginning my teaching career and now i felt like i was on my own......shy, self-concious i struggled to fit in at the church......

some time later i asked a friend from cell if i could join him on a night out, it felt safe enough to ask him as he was a brother of a school friend, he was going to be meeting up with some of his friends.......that night i met my husband.......he had recently attended a church service at the baptist church......invited by the same friend i was out with.....

around two years later we were married, we moved over the mountain and away from the life we knew to start our life together......

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

for a while we travelled to church and were part of a cell group which met in our area......and then i met  someone with a love for the Lord that was so strong that i couldn't help but want to be her friend....we worked at the same school and soon discovered that we even lived in the same complex......they had recently left their church and were attending a home church; they invited us to join them.....

here we were guided to believe that the only Word that was important was the Word of God.....and so there were no prepared sermons.......we read straight out of the Bible and discussed what we read....it was here that we learnt that we needed to abide in Christ.......that His Spirit was already abiding in us.....and we listened as the Spirit within those around us taught us and revealed Christ to us.....

draw near to me, for I'll draw near to you

the Body that surrounded us grew and changed often over the years......we met as a group of mixed ages with our young children crawling among us as we worshipped......as the children grew older we gathered together as adults only while parents took it in turns to teach the children.....we met as a Body in the morning, we met at night, bringing young ones along and including them in the fellowship at times......the younger generation felt led by the Lord to begin fellowshipping together with our children in the mornings, while the older generation felt a need to gather together at night.......sometimes we'd congregate all as one.......some have left, some have stayed.......some come often, some come when they feel led to......but we are all still part of the Body.......

when i look back over the years i can clearly see how the Lord has quietly been drawing me near all of my life......He has removed the need for the security from routines, He has made a home within me to worship Him, He has led me to a place of rest where i can be myself while i abide in Him, He has made me part of a Body hungry to be in unity with Him......

i believe that everyone can know Christ, i believe that when you choose to believe in Him His Spirit becomes yours and He will gently lead you, i believe that we are now living in a time when we no longer need one person to stand in front of church to preach the Word to bring new revelations.......i believe the Word lives within and He can teach you bringing you into Truth.......and when you gather together with like-minded believers to encourage one another, the words He has whispered to you will be confirmed......

Hebrews 8 vs 10 This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time, declares the Lord.  I will put my laws in their mind and write them on their hearts.  I will be their God, and they will be my people.  No longer will a man teach his neighbour, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least to the greatest, For I will forgive their wickedness and I will remember their sins no more."

how we got here (part one)......

i thought that He was asking me to sacrifice, but instead He was asking me to receive........

in july of 2011 i was feeling like a ship being tossed between decisions again.......how was i to school our children? structure or no structure?

i searched the Word of God for anything and everything on planning, wanting to know what He said, needing to do what He wanted.......

Psalm 33 vs 10 The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nought, He makes the thoughts and the plans of the people of no effect,

Proverbs 16 vs 1-3 The plans of the mind and orderly thinking belong to man, but from the Lord comes the wise answer of the tongue.  All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart). Roll your works upon the Lord (commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and) so shall your plans be established and succeed.

journal entry: He will give me what to say or do, just ask........commit and trust.......He will make His thoughts yours!!! and therefore your plans will succeed......

Proverbs 16 vs 9 A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure

journal entry: Father-please direct my steps and make them sure!

in august i read:

Numbers 6 vs 24-26 The Lord bless you and watch guard, and keep you; The Lord make His face to shine upon and enlighten you and be gracious (kind, merciful, and giving favour) to you; The Lord lift up His [approving] countenance upon you and give you peace (tranquility of heart and life continually)

Psalm 22 vs 26 The poor and afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; they shall praise the Lord-they who [diligently] seek for, inquire of and for Him, and require Him [as their greatest need]. May your hearts be quickened now and forever!

journal entry: Lord, please help me to know I'm teaching the right things/using the right things.
dream: I dreamt I was driving the kids in a car we were all so happy......I was taking them to SVPS for school......oh boy!?!

that sunday at fellowship the Body of Christ prayed over me, not knowing that their words would break chains, just following the Spirit within.......speaking words which would speak to the Deep within me........

"expect the unexpected! my identity is in Christ not in being my children's mother/Ray's wife/teacher"

"may you hear and know Jesus' voice clearly, that i would know why He created me-my purpose"

"don't make decisions out of fear"

"i don't need to be what people said i was in the past"

in my spirit i knew what He was saying to me........i knew which direction He was leading me to,

i went home and searched the internet for a site.........a friend had been updating it and i thought that it would be there......it wasn't.......no, not that one........the other.........surely not Lord?........and so i submitted and googled the other....the one i had dared to say never to......never say never,

for two days i wrestled with what He was saying......

journal entry: Am I still afraid of the kids going to school? for different reasons now.....I'm afraid I'll loose their hearts.  That I won't be able to build our relationship.

My mind races ahead when I think He's saying something and it starts to plan.......plan ways of me coping.

It doesn't matter what other people think.....I need to do what He is saying. Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd

a day later i was still wrestling....

journal entry: mind still racing.  Worrying that Jenna won't cope with the 2 o' clock day.....I want to protect her emotionally and physically.......I need to hand this burden over.  Father please make your thoughts, my thoughts.  Guide my steps onto your path and plan and purpose for my children.  I always try to think ahead and plan-I struggle to rest and do what the Lord has told me.  I keep on thinking how will it work out, what will the next step be?  Why does He want us to do this?  Lord, help me to rest and wait for your clear direction.......

a day later i was tired out from all of the wrestling, i hadn't shared it with Ray in hope that somehow, some way he would hear the same from the Lord and that He would have to make the decision......he would be the one needing to submit.......

and so when my precious husband saw me climb into bed to hide away from the decision.....when he saw my tired and weary face he gently asked: what is wrong?

and the walls broke down and i wept.......i think He is wanting Jenny to go to school.......i shared what i had heard, what i had read and as i did His thoughts became mine, His plan became mine......as my heart turned from sadness to joy........i slowly started to accept what He wanted me to receive.....His ways and not mine,

journal entry: Tomorrow is gymnastics (at the school) and I will need to pluck up my courage to ask for fees and an application form.......

needless to say it took me almost a week to ask for those forms.......i can be such a jonah sometimes ;-)

He will lead you beside still waters.

the naked truth

this year i am so thankful to have attended gym classes, not only have i discovered that i have discipline to exercise my body, but i have also rekindled a joy for exercising.........

one of my favourite parts has been having a sauna at the end of a training session.......

to have a sauna i strip off all of my clothes and then i walk into a small enclosure with other woman, who are naked themselves......

now, although my precious husband adamantly states that he loves my body, it is not the same one which he married more than a decade ago, the same one i long to have again........on my insecure days,

soon after starting at the gym i noticed that my friend's mother-in-law was coming at the same time as me, she enjoys time in the sauna too........

the sauna door is made of glass and if i enter the shower area i can easily see who i will be sharing this small enclosure with,

i found that if there were complete strangers in the room that it was very easy for me to strip down and walk in, however, if my f-m-i-l  was there it was a different story.......i would change my destination and enter into the steam room.....

one day i dared to ask the Lord, why?

you're afraid she'll notice your flaws......yes, but why only with this person whom i know, why do i feel comfortable to get naked in front of strangers?

and then He dug deeper.......you do this in your friendships too........it was true i did, and it was something which had bothered me in the past before.......

i had realised, a while back, that i found it easy to share personal struggles with new acquaintances, people whom i was just getting to know, who I didn't see often..........it had bothered me: why couldn't i share with people who were supposed to be my closest friends?

and then He gently whispered: you're afraid they won't love you.........

rejection hurts, and in the past it has caused me to build a wall.....don't let anyone see the real me, the ugly me, fat and all.......it was easier to share with relative strangers because they hadn't dared yet to commit to a friendship with me, it was more difficult to share with my closer friends because i feared that if they saw the real me they would walk away......stop loving me,

and this is when He guided me, gently with His rod.........it is time to share the naked truth of who you really are,

why?

if other's do not see your weaknesses they will not see My strength, they will not see My renewing, restoring power........

rest in Me, I accept you as you are, I will never leave you nor forsake you........

since then i have spent many restful sauna sessions with this lovely generous women,

and so now it is time for me to become naked with you.......

you will have noticed that I have switched off all comments-this is because i do not want to seek your approval anymore........i am choosing to believe that it is not in the approval of other's that i will find love........but rather it is in His Love that I have found approval,

i want to share with you the Love that the Lord has shown me.......and so when He leads I will follow, trusting that the green pastures He leads me to will bring refreshment and Life to your soul......as He has to mine......

It's been a year........

and what a roller coaster one it's been........

in the beginning I struggled to let go, I wrestled with my thoughts........oh yes, there was underlying peace, but all my thoughts had to be realigned, renewed to focus on what He was saying to me,

Jen's first school outing, so excited! 

 I thought it was my purpose to teach them and guide them to discover who they are.......and then He whispered:Trust me with them, let me be their Shepherd, their Teacher......and so we stepped out in faith,

After the first term Mike started play school, it took two full terms before I could let go fully and let him go everyday-the Lord is so patient!!

 when my eyes are on Him, remembering His promises: I will never leave you nor forsake you.........your paths I will make straight, your thoughts will become mine........then it is easy.....

but the times when I have picked up the burden again, when I look around and compare....or I think that it is my role to make sure that they get the best of everything, or think that the purpose is gaining knowledge and experiences......

when I forget that the purpose is knowing Him......then I struggle in my own strength

we have learnt that He provides even before we ask

 I thought that if I encouraged them to discover who they are, what their dreams were, where their talents lay that they would find purpose........now I know that their purpose is to know Him and in getting to know Him they will discover who they truly are........His children, created to be in relationship with the One who loves them more than I can......to bring Him glory while walking in His freedom.......not to focus on discovering self, but to focus on discovering Him....

it has been a busy year  filled with concerts, pushing me out of my comfort zone

 and all the while that He has been renewing my thoughts I have fallen more in love........more in love with Him, more in love with my husband, more in love with my children.......more in love with Life,

my handsome Prince of Justice, such a blessing to watch him grow this year

 submitting to His way is not easy for me when I live by laws-I must do.......to be a good mom, wife, friend, daughter .......I fail often under laws,

submitting to His ways is not easy when I live life in my strength.....I am weak, and my strength is like a tiny spark compared to the fire which burns when He leads.......

my beautiful Princess of Joy and Life, every moment must be experienced...

every experience is enjoyed!

so when I am strong in Him and I submit to His ways, relying on His strength.........trusting His Word, resting in what He has revealed to us.......knowing that He will continue to complete the good work He has begun, then I walk in freedom trusting that my children will follow........not because I taught them, but because He has........