the man i married.......

on sunday ray rode in the argus cycle tour for about the sixth time since we have been married........he used to ride quite a bit before we met.....think he had about ten under his belt by that time........there was one year we decided to do it together........

it was just before we got married, i was still living in a block of flats at the bottom of ou kaapse weg, in fish hoek valley, still teaching......we started training a little bit in the holidays but as term time set in the practices became less and less.......ray, having ridden the route before, knew it would be a good thing for me to experience a mountain pass before the day........so my mind would be prepared.......but i didn't want to do ou kaapse weg.........and i kept putting it off.......until all practicing came to a complete halt.......

on the morning of the ride i was pretty excited to be doing the ride with him......something different......something for us to do together.......

but i was intent on not pushing myself too hard.......it is a long ride after all!  i had decided that i would take on the attitude of "it's a fun ride-let's enjoy the scenery"........rather frustrating for someone who was used to riding at a pace and completing the tour in under five hours.......

we were doing fine until we reached the bottom of ou kaapse weg.........i could see home......and i could see the mountain up ahead.......my mind wasn't in it......i convinced him that i couldn't go on...... i chose home........he said he wanted to finish the ride......we were part of the stragglers by that time and although my legs (and mind) had given up ray's hadn't.........

when he got back to me after the race he told me that he had just missed the cut off time, seven hours in the saddle......but he had finished.......he told me how he had felt to fly past some of those stragglers, with legs that weren't tired......we giggled at how strange it must have been for them to see this guy come blazing past them still riding strong when it was late in the day and by this time no-one else should have been looking like they were riding with ease.........and even though i hadn't finished the race he didn't hold it against me.....

a few years later we were married and had kids.....our marriage was struggling........the Lord was restoring the past and i was still learning to let Him be my restorer.......i still wanted to do things my way.....wanted to fix the problems as quickly as they arose.........while he wanted to cross the bridges when we came to them.........(oh, how that phrase irritated me in those days)........I believed that what i wanted was right, what i expected ray to be was who he was meant to be.....

one day, after spending the morning in our room, avoiding all conversation and contact with my husband.......pleading with the Lord to help me to love him like He loves him......i knew i wasn't, but i still believed that i was right and he wasn't being the husband and father he was made to be.......

i climbed into the shower, knowing i had to be a part of our family, had to show my face to the kids...........being naked in front of the Lord tends to open my eyes.......He showed me how, as a little girl, i had desperately wanted to feel my father's presence, wanted him to be a part of our lives........but he wasn't, his mental illness had built walls between us....... his past had built walls between us........and although i knew he desperately wanted to be loved, it was all too often stolen from him.......our father-daughter relationship was not built on time or sharing experiences together.......and so i had expected ray to be the dad i had never had: the dad who was physically and mentally present one hundred percent of the time......in fact i wanted him to be more than the dad my dad was.......i wanted him to be perfect.......

i climbed out of the shower knowing that i had to say sorry........struggling with that too.......but eventually i did.....i found him outside hanging up the washing........being the dad he was made to be.....

we've been together almost twelve years now.......i believe that day was the turning point for us......the Lord has had to do a lot of restoring for me, but that's His business anyway so i'm thankful that i can hand over my struggles to Him.....it's too hard trying to do it on my own.........

when my eyes were finally opened, when i could finally let ray be the dad and husband he has been created to be, this is what the Lord showed me:

the man i married is my mr steady.......he'll keep on riding this race of life with me to the end......even go over mountains for me when i think i can't.......and if i let him lead i'll soon see that it is way better to  be on top of the mountains with him than to stay in the valleys of doubt without him.......

lately i've been asking the Lord to show me how to Love everyone like He does.......open your eyes to see how everyone reflects my Love.......each one of us reflects the Father's love.......believer or not.......He created all......and so all reflect His glory.........

when i look back on this experience in my life i can see how the Father used the man i married to reflect His Love for me.........even before we were married.......He has steadily stuck by me helping me to overcome mountains which i thought would never move.......

"To my Love, I am so thankful to the Father for blessing me with you........long ago you thought you could never fill the shoes.........you've done more than that already and we've only just begun......i look forward to riding with you till the end, i just know we're going to enjoy the ride.  Loveyoulotslikejellytots!"

last year's argus

learning to love like You......

i dropped my little girl at school today with a cooler box filled with fluffy toys and a fishing net........she is taking part in the second round of the speaker reader competition at school.......

after that i drove to the beach to meet a friend for our morning walk and watched the sea.....it was so peaceful, no wind, no white choppy horses......still.......be still and know that I am God.........

but my heart was not still......i was thinking of what she had said in the car: i really want to get through to the  finals mommy......i had reminded her to enjoy herself and to remember to speak loudly....it was the only encouragement i felt i should give but in my mind i was desperately wanting her to win, wanting her to succeed, wanting her to know what it is like to be a winner........

as i sat and looked at the sea His whisper led me down memory lane........to a girl who deeply believed that she could be a leader, knew that she could stand up in front of a crowd and encourage them to follow her lead......she knew it, but she didn't believe it........no-one had seen what lay deep within her, no-one knew her real desires, no-one had encouraged her to be what lay deep within.......

and then He whispered some more........this is what I believe about you: you can be who you want to be........just be still and know that I am in control........

and so He showed me that it's ok to want the very best for my child-He wants the very best for me........

but what if she doesn't achieve this desire Lord?  in My time it will happen.......this is a process, let me show you what is happening:

last year jenna came home and told you about the speaker reader competition, she chose her poem-even though you thought it probably wasn't the most dramatic, wouldn't appeal to the listener's, you knew she had to do what she chose......it fact she was pretty adamant it wasn't going to be any other way ;-) .......so you helped her to practice the best you could (even though she didn't always listen to your advice).......and she got through to the second round.......she knew her words but she spoke too softly.......a boy with a long joke, which made the audience laugh, won......

so this year when she came home and said i want to write a story about a penguin that will make the boys laugh, you knew she had learnt from her past experiences.......so while she dictated her story to you, you gently guided and discussed and encouraged her ideas while you typed......amazed at your little girl's creativity......

do you remember when she gave up gymnastics-even though she was so good at it- and I told you that the world looks at our talents as something we do and not as THE gift that i have placed deep within you poured out to them through the works I have prepared in advance for you to do?......  I told you that you need to encourage her to believe in (and receive) what I have given her............love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...... that these are the real gifts which we shouldn't hide under the jar, the talents we shouldn't bury in the ground.......these are the gifts i have created you to share, to bless the world with........this is Me being in control, this is Me training her in the gifts i have placed deep within her........this is Me being her teacher, giving her my knowledge.......

when you were a child there was no-one who consistently encouraged you to be who you are......this is the passing on of what I have blessed you with.......your legacy........

remember when she took part in the school play last year as fairy-sa-jolly-good-fellow?.......she really wanted to be in that play, you knew she could do it, believed she had the ability to remember the words......and then on the night she stood on the stage all beautiful and innocent......... and she forgot what she had to say.......it was tough for you to watch, especially when you took her little friends with the next night and you really wanted her to do well.........listening to the lady in front of you say: this little girl never remembers her words, broke your heart........you really wanted her to prove her wrong......but she didn't, she forgot again.........why? you asked.......because she doesn't believe in herself, she's just like you used to be.........you need to encourage her more........you went home and shared it with ray and you said you didn't know how to do that...........well, this is Me training you.....you know what lies deep within you now........speak it over her, bless her with your words, tell her who she is because of who I AM.........

don't teach her what the world teaches:it is what we do in life that is our purpose........her purpose is to know Me, to be in relationship with me, and when she knows this she will know the freedom that she was created for........to be exactly who she desires to be........for I placed those desires deep within her before she was even created in your womb........

this learning-to-love-like-you Lord, it ain't easy when i do it my way, i'm learning more and more everyday that it is only when i don't know how, when i say: i am weak, show me your ways, it is only then that You can burn away the fat of unbelief..........thank You Father for leading me on your paths and showing me Your ways........thank You that because of You i will wait patiently while You teach my precious jolly-good-fellow to spread the joy and love you have placed deep within her.......thank you for loving us just the way we are

if you have the time.......listen here to this song......hope it blesses you

how to loose weight effortlessly.......

i always used to wonder why when the people made sacrifices to the Lord in the old testament it was usually followed by words like this:

Exodus 29vs 25 and burn them on the altar for a sweet and satisfying fragrance before the Lord; it is an offering made by fire to the Lord.

especially when it came to fat.......fat?  why would the smell of fat please the Lord?  isn't that the stuff we are not supposed to eat?  wouldn't He just want the best meat from us?  surely He doesn't want the fat too?  that's the unhealthy stuff.......the stuff we really don't need.......

over the last few years i believe that He has slowly shown me why the smell of fat burning is pleasing to Him......

fat IS the stuff we really don't need, it's the beliefs about ourselves (and Him) that we have that hold us back from walking in Spirit and Truth........the things we think we need to do to be righteous.......and sometimes they are beliefs we don't even know are there until He gently shows us.........

when the Father first started pulling at my heartstrings, gently trying to help me to let go, i thought that He was asking me to sacrifice what I treasured most in the world.......instead He was really asking me to receive......

you see what i believed was that He was a God who asked you to give up things that are precious to you......because if i wasn't sacrificing something then i wasn't being a good person, wife, mother.....

and so in His gentle way He started showing me that He is a Father who wants us to receive His life.......not make sacrifices.......just believe and receive.......because what He is i am...... because of what Jesus sacrificed for me........no more sacrificing needed from me, it is finished........

He first whispered about renewing my mind.......changing what i believed in, to become someone i believe in........because when i find myself in Him: all His promises are yes! and amen (so be it!)....

i believed that i had chosen Him.......instead He had chosen me.......He had persued me......and when He renewed that belief i finally could begin to accept His gifts which He so willingly wanted me to receive.......

burning away the fat IS pleasing to our Lord.......and effortless when we receive what He freely gives.....His life in us, completing the good works He has begun.......

so around the end of 2011 when i was trying to come to terms with the fact that the life i was living was about to change i felt that i should join the gym.......honestly, i wasn't a gym person at the time, i'd tried that all before and it didn't really work......but i felt it was something that the Lord was saying i should do so i joined.......when the Lord says do, i often ask why? and because He's patient with me sometimes i think He gives me a glimpse of the why ;-)  .......but there's always so much more to Him........He was busy restoring........one of the things i had beaten myself up about when it came to home schooling was that i couldn't possibly have been a good home schooler because i just didn't have the self-discipline......instead He showed me that i do, when i believe what He says about me.......i have his mind......i have His self-control......and when i'm walking where He leads what was once a burden becomes very light to carry........so instead of finding gym to be a labour as it had been before, it became a blessing to me......in fact going to gym has become a place where He whispers His love to me often.......

one day last year, while in the pool doing aqua, i felt Him saying to me: like you are fully immersed in the water now, THIS is what I am going to do for you.......immerse you fully into Me.......

and so for a year i went to gym........and didn't loose one ounce of fat!

at the beginning of this year i was reconsidering gym......do i do this still......it wasn't working, i hadn't lost any weight....and then He reminded me about an eating plan i had followed when trying to conceive (which i still believe was one of the reasons why i eventually did conceive).......a balanced way of eating......and so i joined up again.....and in one month i lost three kilograms........why Lord?

by going to gym and doing the exercises, i showed you that i am within you and that because i am within you you DO have self-discipline.......you didn't need to run to anyone/anything else to find your way, what i have placed within you is good enough to do all things i will lead you to do.........and life is not about doing the right exercises to loose the fat.......the extra weight you carry.......feed on me, eat from my life and i will take away the fat (beliefs) that weigh you down.......be careful what/whom you feed off of-where/whom you get your life from.......you don't have to do the work i haven't created you for......this tires you out and becomes a burden to you.....just let me lead you and when you follow I will renew your mind to be like mine..........all I have is within you.......freely receive,

the past two months have been so interesting........i realise that i am at the beginning of a very exciting new step on this journey with Christ......His Love being poured out into me........and whereas before i believed that i was unworthy of receiving His Love, He is burning away the fat and i am longing to freely receive His Love........and so by His grace i live in hope that the weight of unbelief will continue to fall off effortlessly.......both in mind and body ;-)

A rare occurrence......me caught on camera! Dec 2011